After a few more minutes of driving, Brandon spoke, “What was it?”
I stared at the road ahead of us, and then out the side window. I let another minute go by before I responded, “Photos of them. Together.” I knew Trish was the one who took the pictures, since her arm was stretched out, and I was positive she was the one that sent them from his phone, but that didn't change anything. It still happened.
Brandon's right hand clenched the steering wheel ‘til his fingers were white, his left ran over his buzzed hair, down his face and stopped at his mouth. “I'm so sorry Harper.”
I snorted and turned my head to stare at him, “Why? I deserve this, it's what I did to you.”
“No you don't.” He said sternly, “You don't deserve this at all.” He put the car in park and turned it off.
“Where are we?” I looked at the cliff overlooking the ocean, it was a beautiful view and there were benches near the edge.
“I came here a lot after I found out about you and Chase. I'm sorry, I can take you somewhere else, I just didn't know where to go.”
“This is fine.”
“Uh, if you want to sit out there, I'll wait in here. Or if you want to sit in here I can go outside.”
“I'll go out there, you don't have to stay Brandon.”
He gently grabbed my hand, “I'll be here, and I'll let Bree know where you are.” When I looked down to our hands he dropped mine and forced both of his onto the steering wheel.
Nodding, I took off the seat belt and made my way to one of the benches. I sat there silently screaming. I screamed at Trish for continuously putting herself out there for my boyfriend and ruining everything. I screamed at Chase for doing this to our son, for breaking my heart, and leaving me for another woman when he promised he wouldn't. And mostly I screamed at myself, for hurting Brandon and being stupid enough to think that Chase and I could be together for any amount of time. After the anger subsided, the hurt came back full force and I cried and held my stomach, promising our son that I would make sure he had the perfect life. I'd been prepared for a life with my baby, one where Chase didn't want to be involved, but the last two months he'd been so convincing in playing the part of expecting daddy that it hurt to think about doing this alone. Regardless of what Claire and Bree said, Chase was their family, and he came first. I didn't know if I'd still be welcome to stay there, and for a few moments I panicked while I thought about where I would go, but I knew when the time came, I could take my money back out of the account and go wherever I needed. I would figure it out and we would be just fine. My gummy bear and me. I cried until no more tears would produce, then sat there some more trying to come to terms with what happened and how different things would be from here on out.
Brandon sat down next to me and spoke softly, “I need to take you to eat something.”
Was he serious? The last thing I was thinking about was food. “I'm not hungry.”
“That's fine if you're not,” he sighed and turned my head so I was facing him, “but you're pregnant Harper, you need to eat something.”
“I told you at the house, I just had breakfast.”
“It's almost five.” His tone was soft, careful.
I quickly looked at the sky and the placement of the sun. He was right, we'd been here for over eight hours. Now that I knew how much time had elapsed, I started noticing my back was stiff, my bottom was completely numb and my stomach was growling. I tried to stand up but was struggling after being in one position for so long. Brandon wrapped an arm around my waist, pulled me up and helped me to the car. We drove to Panera and Brandon led me to a booth in the back and sat in silence until most of my sandwich was gone.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Claire had told me dozens of times since they “adopted” me into their family that I really needed to start sharing my feelings. Said it would kill me one day to keep them all bottled up. I'd laughed at her then, but started opening up more and was surprised to find how much better I felt when I did. “Um, sure, I guess.” I watched Brandon's patient expression for a few minutes to make sure I wasn't going to break down in the restaurant. That must have been why he brought us to the back. “I'm angry. Not just for myself, but for the baby. It's one thing to leave me, it's another to leave him. Even if he were to say he still wanted to be in his life once he was born, I'd always worry that he'd just hurt him in the end too. I want him to have two parents that love each other and love him. You understand that more than anyone.”
Brandon simply nodded.
“I'm upset that he did this, but I don't know why I am. From the beginning, I knew Chase wasn't the kind of guy to be in a relationship, and then after that stupid weekend with him, I kept pushing him back because I knew one day he would leave me. From the first day I met him, we'd push each other away and he would ignore me for long periods of time. His family told me it was because I was with you, and he couldn't stand to see us together. But I didn't know that until you and I had broken up, and even then wasn't sure I believed it.” I knew I shouldn't say this next part, but it was like I couldn't stop talking now that I'd started, I had wanted to talk to Brandon about everything, and apparently I was going to do it now, “I regretted that weekend with him instantly, I couldn't believe I'd done that to you. I was so in love with you,” I choked up a bit and had to clear my throat and take a calming breath to continue, “and for some stupid reason I was in love with him too. I always had been, and hated it. I wanted him out of my mind, out of my heart and out of my life.