And we were off.
It was a disaster. At first I was simply paralyzed with fear, trembling from top to bottom, pale and sweating, as if I’d suddenly come down with the flu. Reminding myself that I wanted to outdo Jenny I dug deep and found some hidden reserve of strength. I muttered my mantra a few times and took a couple of small steps forward. The last I recall before I collapsed was Damien shouting, “Cut!”
When I came round, all groggy and confused, I saw Damien and Alexandra looking down at me. Damien’s face was etched with worry, and I felt like such a wimp. A fake spider, a fucking fake and here I was on the floor after fainting with fear.
After flying so high in the first few days of filming I felt like a complete failure. The heady rush of excitement that caused me to perform so well the previous day had evaporated and I had absolutely no self-confidence left.
“I’ve suspended shooting for the day,” Damien said, his fingers brushing my hair away from my face.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, tears welling as I started to sob.
“Hey, don’t worry,” Damien crooned as he knelt beside me and enveloped my in his arms. “It’s no big deal. Don’t you worry about it.”
I think that’s the moment I started loving him. He was just so kind. I don’t know how much work and time and money I cost him that day, but there he was, just being nice to me. I was suddenly homesick for my dad, and I clung to Damien and let all the anguish pour out of me. It wasn’t just the scene and the fact I’d let Damien and Alexandra – everybody in fact – down, I felt so foolish for flaking like that in front of everyone, and on film as well. I think those wrenching sobs were also for what Jenny and Rafe had done, were cathartic and a sign that maybe I’d come some way towards being repaired. I’d always bear the scars, like a vase that’s been dropped and glued back together. I’d never be the same, but I’d be whole again.
When my sobs had subsided to sniffles, while I was still curled in Damien’s comforting, masculine embrace, Alexandra also knelt and stroked my hair to comfort me. “Oh, my God, Kylie, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were so afraid of spiders,” she said.
“It isn’t your fault,” I snuffled.
“It isn’t anyone’s fault,” Damien interjected. “Now, come on, Kylie. Let’s get you up and back to the hotel. We’ve got that dinner tonight. You’ve got to look fabulous for the paparazzi. They’ve been hounding us so we’ll give them a photo opportunity later.”
Despite his kindness I still worried about Damien’s real feelings. Was he angry at me despite his outward show of concern for me?
And, as he helped me to my feet and escorted me to the limo, my leg’s as shaky as a newborn colt’s, I noticed a strange expression on Alexandra’s face. She smiled and waved when she saw me looking at her, but I couldn’t quite understand why she’d looked so pleased.
4.
On the evening of my humiliating fainting session on set I forgot all about the odd look on Alexandra’s face. The chaos of being surrounded by a pack of baying paparazzi pushed that scene from my mind. We gave the paparazzi their pound of flesh, and as the cameras whirred and the flashbulbs exploded, while the picture hungry photographers all called out instructions to look their way or to face this way and that, barking at us like a pack of dogs, all I could do was worry about Damien. I was concerned about how he felt about the incident with the spider. Was he secretly pissed off with me? With my self-confidence at basement level I might have been worrying unnecessarily, agonizing over every sentence Damien spoke, over-analyzing and maybe finding hidden meaning behind his reassurances that it was really OK.
I was also unsure about how Damien felt about me. I was falling for him and wondered how he really felt about me deep inside. He’d said a lot of nice things to me, kind and tender murmurs of endearment, especially as we made love, but being so emotionally vulnerable after my day made me question everything.
My cellphone rang and I noticed a quick flick of irritation on Damien’s face when I pulled it from my purse.
I experienced a cold wave of shock when I saw Rafe’s name appear on the screen. My cheeks flushed when I glanced at Damien, but to my relief he’d turned away and was smiling and waving and showing off. He joked with a few of the photographers while I declined the call and turned the phone off. I posed and smiled for the cameras before, finally, Damien took my elbow and steered me into the restaurant, the other cast members following us in.