“I’m not just anyone, Harlow. You should have told me. You let me get close to you and care about you, yet you kept this huge secret to yourself.” He looked almost dazed. His eyes stared at me and the fear in them was obvious.
“I was going to tell you. I just didn’t know how. I was afraid to lose this . . . this thing we have.”
He dropped his head and sat there without speaking. I wasn’t sure if he was angry or if he was scared, too.
“I’m the same person you’ve always known. I just have a condition that has to be monitored. I needed to trust you before I told you about it.”
He lifted his head. Disbelief in his eyes. “Trust me? Trust me? You had to trust me to warn me that falling in love with you might be a dangerous thing to do? Can you see how unfair that is? I was terrified to let myself have feelings for you because I was haunted by the idea of losing you. It controlled me. Then, when I decided to let that go and do what my heart wanted . . .” He shook his head and let out a hard laugh. “All along you were sick and you never told me.”
Sick? I wasn’t sick! “That is the exact reason I don’t tell people. They treat me like I’m sick. I’m not sick. I’ve been sick and I know what that’s like, but I’m not sick now. And you think me not telling you is unfair? You know nothing about fair. There are a lot of things in life that aren’t fair, but protecting myself is fair. Wanting to live life and not be left out of it is not unfair.”
Grant stood up and shook his head. “You can’t just let people get close to you and not trust them with that kind of information. When were you going to tell me? When I fell in love with you? When I told you I loved you, were you going to say ‘Oh, yeah, I may not live for long.’ ” He paused as pain sliced through his features, and he looked away from me. “Was that your plan?” he asked with a hitch in his voice.
“NO! I was going to tell you now. I didn’t expect you. I didn’t expect this thing between us, but I wanted it. I wanted you.” Tears burned my eyes as I jerked my skirt on and looked around for my shoes. I had to leave. I would face the vultures out there. It was time anyway.
I hated seeing him like this. I hated seeing the fear in his eyes. Maybe I should have told him sooner. Maybe it was selfish of me to keep it a secret from him, but I already knew how things went once someone knew. I never would have known what it was like to have Grant. I didn’t regret that.
“I had been planning on telling you today. I sat in the bath going over how I would tell you. I knew it was time that you knew. I didn’t want you hearing it on television or from someone else.” Tears burned my eyes.
“You lied to me,” he said with his voice devoid of emotion. It was as if he were shutting down inside. It was how he was going to cope. He didn’t intend to fight for us and make this work. He was going to protect himself. That told me what I needed to know. He didn’t have to tell me it was over. I read that loud and clear.
I walked over to my phone and texted Rush.
I need you to come get me. I’m about to walk out into this and deal with them now, and then I’m going home. Please.
“What are you doing?” Grant asked as I slipped my phone back into my purse.
“I’m leaving. It’s time for me to go,” I replied, then picked up my shoes and slipped them on.
“You can’t leave.” He slammed his hand against the wall, “Fuck! Why didn’t you tell me? I need time to process this, Harlow. You can’t just leave.”
I walked over to him and stood in front of him. This was it for us, and when I looked back on this day I would always have regrets. But telling Grant the truth before I left was important to me. “Because you would have treated me differently. I didn’t want to see in your eyes what I knew would be there. I wanted to be near you. I wanted to know what it was like to have a guy want me. I wanted to live. My heart may not be whole, but it still beats. I’m still alive. Why should I live like I’m dead?”
I stood there and waited for him to respond. He said nothing. The emotions in his eyes as he stared back at me were too much to define. I knew he was hurt. I also knew he felt betrayed, and I hated that I had made him feel that way. But for once in my life I chose me. I wanted Grant Carter and his sweet-talking magic words. I let myself have him and forgot about the facts. Hearing him say I may not live long was like being slapped in the face. No one said that to me. Everyone who loved me talked about my life being long. They believed and had faith. Grant was already digging my grave. I couldn’t let myself be near someone who expected me to die young.