“I just want her to listen to me. I don’t want anything else. I want her to know . . . that . . . that she was special. That night was special. That’s all. Nothing else. I’m not asking for a second chance. I can’t do that. I just want her forgiveness. And I can’t live with myself if she believes I took her innocence as a game. It was never a game.”
Rush stood there staring at me as if I were speaking a different language. I was rambling. I wasn’t making sense. At least not to him. I needed to talk to Blaire, dammit.
“You just want her to know that your fucking her meant something? Is that what I’m understanding? You don’t want anything else?”
I flinched at his description but nodded.
“Can I ask why?”
The image of Bethy doubled over wailing as they lowered Jace’s body into the ground was etched in my brain. “I can’t love someone the way you love Blaire.”
Rush cocked one of his eyebrows. “Why is that?”
“Because it scares the hell out of me. I’m not going to be that vulnerable. I don’t want to be.”
Rush didn’t look as if he understood, but he finally nodded his head toward his Rover. “I’m headed home. If you want Blaire’s advice then meet me there and you can tell her this crazy shit. But she isn’t going to take your side in this. I’m warning you now.”
I didn’t expect her to. “I know.”
“When you tell her you slept with Nan after taking Harlow’s virginity then I’d duck, because the gun will come out, and this time I’m pretty damn sure she’ll pull the trigger,” he said with an amused grin before walking out toward his truck without looking back at me.
He was right. Blaire was going to chew my ass out. But once she got over it she’d help me, if only because she would understand that Harlow deserved it.
Thirty minutes later, Blaire was glaring at me. Her face had gone from horrified to completely pissed off. Nate had luckily crawled into her lap, otherwise I was pretty sure she’d have taken a swing at me.
“You want me to take him, baby?” Rush asked, walking into the living room.
“No. Leave him in her arms. I’m safer that way,” I replied.
Rush chuckled and walked over to sit beside her. Nate went to Rush with a happy laugh and I watched my badass best friend become complete sappy mush as Nate laid a loud smacking kiss on Rush’s face. Yeah . . . that kind of love. I couldn’t do that. What if something happened to Nate? How could Rush wake up every morning?
“I’m not like Rush. I can’t do this. This . . . life. I can’t love someone so completely that they hold my heart in their hands. I’m not that strong. I’ve had bad experiences with that kind of trust. But I care about Harlow. I let it get far with her. I let her in enough to care that I’ve hurt her. I don’t want her to be hurt. Help me, please.”
Blaire’s angry glare softened some, and she leaned forward, not taking her eyes off me. “Why? Tell me why, Grant. What is it about what I have with Rush that you can’t take?”
I wasn’t dredging up my past and talking about my childhood like that was a good excuse. And none of us wanted to bring up Jace. That was still too fresh. “I’m not ready for that. I would eventually hurt Harlow, and I can’t do that. I just want to get her to listen to my explanation and walk away from this as friends. She’s sweet and special and I can’t stand the idea of her thinking I used her.” Friends. That word sounded flat. If Harlow forgave me, could I live with just being friends? How was I supposed to look at her and not remember how good she felt in my arms? Was I asking for something impossible? I didn’t want to leave Rosemary. Hell, I couldn’t leave Rosemary. Someone needed to make sure Harlow survived with Nan.
Blaire tucked a strand of her long white-blond hair behind her ear and pierced me with her steady gaze. “You don’t want her but you want her to know that what y’all did was special to you. I can understand that. It’s typical you. You don’t like hurting people.”
“Can you tell me what to do? She hates me right now.”
Nate reached over and tugged at Blaire’s hair and giggled happily.
“Don’t pull Momma’s hair. We’ve gone over this, dude,” Rush said, saving Blaire from another hard tug.
Blaire thanked Rush and pressed a kiss to Nate’s head then turned back to me.
“Let me talk to her. Then I’ll let you know when you can talk to her. Until then, stay out of Nan’s bed, especially now that Harlow’s living there.”
“Not going there again. I’m hanging up the whiskey, too.”