Take a Breath(71)

I take his hand but I feel nervous. Does he want to shout at me?

We get into the small kitchen room where Michael grabs me a mug and pours a coffee for me. I wait for the barrage of words to come flying from his mouth, but he seems calm.

“Ana, are you okay? You don’t look yourself. I thought I had better take you from your desk for five minutes just to get you away from it all a bit.”

He hands me the coffee and I thank him. “It does seem a bit overwhelming to be honest. I feel like this is all my fault and that everyone will hate me for it. I don’t know. I just feel bad that’s all.”

Michael comes toward me and offers me a hug, which I accept.

“Ana, no one hates you okay? Everyone is just so keen to nail the son of a bitch, that if it takes us all having a strand of hair plucked from our heads, then so be it. You can’t feel bad about this.”

I nod my head on his shoulder, trying to wipe the tear that has escaped.

“Am I interrupting something?”

Michael and I both jump and I look to see Jake standing in the doorway. He spots that I’m upset and anger quickly fades to worry.

“What’s the matter, Ana? Has someone said something?”

He gives Michael and evil look and comes rushing over to give me a hug.

“Ana’s just upset that’s all. She thinks that people will hate her because of what’s happening today. I just tried to tell her that we all want the same thing and that’s to catch the sick asshole. She can never be hated for that. Sir.”

Jake nods and Michael quickly moves out the coffee room.

“Why didn’t you tell me you felt like this?

Jake cups my face and the tears begin to fall. “I don’t know. I just want it all to go away, Jake. I want to shut my eyes and know that when I open them, that it’s all been a bad dream and I can carry on with my life knowing that everyone around me is safe. I don’t want to be hated for bringing this sick individual out from under the hole he’s crawled out of. It’s because of me, Jake. Not anyone else. Me. He wants me and I just feel so bad. It’s just so wrong, all of it is wrong.”

Jake squeezes my head lightly. “Shh, Ana, please don’t do this to yourself. You’re not a bad person do you hear me? I won’t let you run yourself down like this and be the victim. It is not your fault. None of this is your fault. Ana, look at me. He decided to do this. He is the sick fucker. He made his choices. Not you.”

He stares deep into my eyes as the tears flow. I bury my head in his chest and sigh.

A couple of people come by and excused themselves once they see Jake and I interlocked in an embrace.

Jake grabs my arms and pulls me out. “Look, maybe you being here today isn’t such a good idea. I’m not going to leave you, I said I never would until he is caught. I’ll take you home now. I can get away. The Feds have it all under control here.”

I shake my head in protest. “No, Jake, not because of me I can stay. It’s ok.”

He stands firm. “No, Ana, it’s not ok. I’m taking you home.”

I nod my head and excuse myself so I can go to the ladies and freshen up. I didn’t want it to look too obvious that I had been crying. I go back to my desk to pack up getting sympathetic stares. This is just what I didn’t want.

Once back at my desk, I grab my bag and proceed shutting down the computer.

“What’s up, Missy?” Jessie asks.

I sit down in front of Jessie as she turns to face me. “Jake’s taking me home. I just don’t feel right being here when all this is going on around me. Because of me. I’ll feel better tomorrow. I just need to get away and clear my head.”

I place my hand on her shoulder. “I hope you have a great time tonight. Say hi to Jerry for me. I can’t wait to eventually meet him.”

She smiles brightly at me and squeezes my hand. “I’ll look forward to that.”

Jake comes over and hands Jessie a piece of paper. “There you go, Jessie. Have a good day off tomorrow and I’ll see you Thursday.”

She thanks Jake and we say our goodbyes before heading off.

The sun outside is piercingly hot now and I can’t wait to get in the car just to escape the heat. We make the journey home mainly in silence as exhaustion is finally setting in. I plonk myself down on the sofa as Jake heads for the kitchen. A few moments later he emerges with a ham and tomato sandwich on rye, and hands it to me.

“Ana, you have to eat please. I’m worried about you.”

I smile and bite into the sandwich, more to appease Jake than because I’m actually hungry. I just want to sleep. Sensing my exhaustion, Jake picks me up and carries me up the stairs to his room. He places me gently on the bed and takes my shoes off. I was wondering whether he was going to leave me, but instead he lays beside me and snuggles. We don’t say anything. We don’t have to. Just having him there with me is all I needed now. I sigh aloud and close my eyes. It’s not long before I’m sound asleep.