The body was stashed, but there were still wide trails of blood on the pavement leading to the trunk. Not exactly subtle. I found a bucket in the shed behind the garage and filled it using the rusty outdoor spigot. Then I splashed the bloodstains with it, repeating this process until the sidewalk didn't look like the floor of a slaughter house. It wasn't exactly pristine, but it would have to do.
I trudged up the steps, carefully avoiding the ones that had been damaged by Caleb's gunfire. When I opened the door, Lauren stared at me with wide and frightened eyes like I was something from a horror flick. I looked down and realized that I had Caleb's blood all over me, and plenty of my own too thanks to the busted nose.
Well, no wonder she's scared after everything she's been through. It's all right now, though. I won't let anything bad happen to her again.
“Come on,” I said. I walked over to the freezer and broke some ice cubes out of the trays, wrapping them in a hand towel to hold against my nose. “We'd better get out of here. I'll drop you someplace safe, and then...”
“I'm not going anywhere with you,” Lauren answered, her voice trembling.
I was so confused by the words that it took me a moment to really get a grip on what she'd said. “What the fuck are you talking about? You saw what just happened. It's not safe for you here.”
“It's not safe for me anywhere as long as I'm with you,” she said. “I knew this was a bad idea. I knew things would never work between us, but I wanted them to so badly that I fooled myself into thinking it would somehow turn out fine. But it's never going to be fine. It's always going to be violence and gunshots and blood everywhere...”
“Babe, listen,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “You're freaked out. That's totally natural. All the bad shit you've seen over the past couple days would make just about anyone bug out. But we can't afford to lose it now, okay? We need to stay focused on getting you and the baby to a place where you'll be protected and away from the action.”
“The action?” Lauren repeated. “That's what you call this...this atrocity? Did you kill that man outside just now, Nic?”
“Damn straight I did,” I answered. “He was about to do the same to us, in case you didn't notice.”
“Not after you shot him in the arm and beat the hell out of him! You murdered a man in cold blood!”
“Well, what the fuck did you want me to do?” I asked, my voice raising defensively. I'd expected her to be grateful that I'd saved her life again, not lecture me about how I chose to do it. “Let him go? Call the cops on him? This doesn't work like that, Lauren.”
“Then it doesn't work at all, at least for me,” she said.
“Earlier, you asked what happened to Growler,” I said. “You really want to know? Okay. He was kidnapped by a guy named Giovanni. I'd killed one of Giovanni's people and since he was having trouble getting to me, he got to Growler instead. He spent weeks torturing Growler, cutting off body parts and sending them to us. Fuck, Growler barely got away—it was a miracle that he made it back to us, and even so, he's gonna spend the rest of his life looking like a mutilated freak.
“That's why Giovanni needs to be taken down hard, along with everyone who works for him, including that guy out there. I don't have a choice. It's just the way it's gotta be. I mean, fuck, you've gotta understand that, right? Wouldn't you feel the same if something like that happened to a friend of yours? Wouldn't you feel like you had to make the motherfuckers pay, just so the world could make some goddamn sense?”
Lauren had turned pale and her eyes were wide with fright.
Fuck. I was trying to explain myself, and I managed to make it even worse.
“Jesus, I can't believe these are the rules of the world you live in,” Lauren whispered. “You shot someone to death and made me listen to it, and you think that's something I should be able to understand? You've made me an accessory to murder, Nic! What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to say to the police if they come knocking on my door?”
“Tell them the same thing we tell them whenever they come to the Nest about some bullshit. You didn't see anything, you didn't hear anything, you don't know anything. They'll nod, write it down, and leave, and that'll be the end of it. You think they care when a scumhole like that gets put down? They don't, trust me.”
“So now you want me to lie to the cops and you're acting like it's no big deal,” she sighed, rubbing her temples. “Just like shooting someone to death is no big deal for you. God, it feels like I'm trapped in some kind of nightmare.”
I pressed the ice pack against my face and shut my eyes. I'd gotten so used to the idea that she wanted me to protect her that I couldn't believe she'd turn on me now over all of this. I had no idea what to say to her to make her feel better.
“Look, you're not trapped anywhere,” I sighed. “I've expected a lot from you when it comes to dealing with this shit and that wasn't fair. I get that now. I get that you probably just want to run away screaming from all of this, but darlin', I am begging you to hang in there a little bit longer so I can protect you. Just please let me do that, okay? If you feel like you need to leave me after this, I promise I won't stop you. Just let me finish dealing with all this stuff first. That's all I ask.”
“Do they know me?” Lauren asked. “These people who are out to get you...do they know who I am, or where I live?”
I remembered what Caleb had told me and I almost lied to Lauren, just to convince her not to run off. But I knew that wouldn't be right. “I don't think so,” I said. “But still, it's better to be safe than...”
“Than what? Sorry? I'm already sorry, Nic.” Lauren walked to the door and opened it. “I'm getting away from you before someone else shoots at me, or I have to watch you do something horrible again. Please don't try to find me.”
I couldn't believe she would walk away like that. I wasn't used to wanting anyone this much, and the idea of never seeing her again left a hole in me the size of a shotgun blast. “But what about the baby?” I asked. “I mean, it's my kid too. You're not even gonna give me a chance to be a father to it?”
Lauren looked into my eyes, wiping a tear away. “When this child gets old enough to wonder about who its father was, I'll say you were a one-night stand I never saw or heard from again. I'll say you were some random bartender or a grocery store clerk. I'll say I never knew who you were and that there's absolutely no way to find you. And Nic, if you care about that child even a little bit, you will never, ever show up in its life and bring it the kind of fear and heartache you've brought me.”
She walked out, slamming the door behind her.
I almost felt numb from the shock of what she'd said. My own dad had run out on me and my mom before I was even old enough to walk. I'd never been able to shake off the feelings of disappointment and rejection I'd had as a kid, and even though I tried to find him to demand answers when I got old enough, I'd never even gotten close to learning where he'd ended up. For all I knew, he'd been dead for years.
Like I'd told Lauren, I hadn't exactly been walking around eager to have a kid. I was usually pretty careful about using protection with girls, unlike a lot of the other Reapers. But I'd always told myself that if I ever had a kid of my own, whether I'd planned for it or not, I'd never abandon it. I'd raise it the best way I could and always be there when it needed me.
And now I was going to have a kid and I wanted to be its father more than anything, and I wouldn't be allowed to. If I were the kind of guy who cried, this would have been a good time.
I wasn't, though. So all I could do was stick to ending the war with the Bonaccorsos, and hope that Lauren would eventually reconsider her decision. I was already desperate to see her again.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Lauren
I took a bus from the west side to my apartment, crying most of the way. The other riders looked away, pretending not to notice. I knew I couldn't even afford to spend money on the bus fare, but I didn't care. I just felt like I needed to be home more than anything.
Home will feel safe, I thought. There won't be any gunshots or blood or gang wars. Home will make sense. I'll be able to rest and sleep and figure out what to do next.
Even though I knew it was still too early for me to actually feel the baby inside of me, my hand still drifted to my belly as though I could. Just knowing it was in there gave me comfort. I'd never see Nic again and that hurt a lot, but at least I wouldn't be completely alone.
I knew how much I had hurt Nic with the things I said, but I felt like I had to be harsh in breaking it off with him or he wouldn't accept it. I was afraid that I wouldn't have the willpower to say no to him again. Even after everything I'd been put through just by knowing him, it was hard to deny that deep down, some crazy part of me was still convinced that we belonged together.
I walked into my apartment and collapsed on the bed. I didn't even bother undressing—I was too exhausted. The more I tried to make sense of my own thoughts and feelings, the louder and more chaotic they seemed, like a nest of hornets buzzing inside my skull.