I knock on the door and, both wish and don’t wish, that Carter is there. He swings the door open, smiling until he sees me then his smile drops.
“What the fuck happened, Kalie!” He pulls me into his arms and sizes up Trevor.
“Carter…Trevor. Be nice, Carter. He’s just dropping me off.”
I turn to Trevor and pull him in for a hug. “Thank you, Trevor, really.”
“No problem, Kalie.” He smiles a small smile at me before he turns and walks away.
I walk in and shut the door, turning my body to a worried Carter. “Please give me time, Carter. I can’t do this with you right now.”
“No! Fuck that, Kalie. What the fuck happened?”
I roll my eyes because I really didn’t expect him to take my answer as a legitimate response.
“A lot of stuff happened, Carter. I’m just not ready, okay? Please don’t. I’m going to take a very long bath and sleep for a few days, and then I’m going to see a doc.”
I walk out of the living room and make my way to my bedroom. I look around and something inside me aches. The last time I was in here was with Ade. They were happy times, times when I was only his. I think a part of me feels like I’ve disappointed him in a way. He loved it so much when he found out I’d only ever been with him after all these years, and even though the men who touched me didn’t go all the way, I still feel disgusting. I feel as though he will never be able to see me as his innocent girl anymore. I feel dirty on the inside as much as I do on the outside.
Removing his hoodie that has the Sinful Souls emblem on the front of it, I fold it up and place it neatly on my bed. I tap it a couple of times before getting a towel out of my wardrobe, wrapping it around me and making my way to the bathroom.
The tub begins to fill as I turn the taps, then I pour every single bath salt I can see into it. Bubble baths, soaps, they’re all are poured into the bath. Tears begin rolling down my cheeks again as I begin to get angry about what’s happened. I’m a mess. There’s no doubt about that. I sincerely hope there’s some way that I can learn to live with what’s happened.
I feel like an idiot in a way. Poor Alaina, she was treated much, much, worse than I was. Yet, somehow she handled it perfectly. And it’s at that moment that I realize what Phoebe was talking about. She would always say how I was not cut out for their lifestyle. Vicky and her both said it. I understand that now—because I’m not. There’s no way that I would ever be okay with living in a crazy world like that.
Once I am satisfied with the amount of soap in the bath, I take off my underwear and throw them into the corner. I place one foot into the scorching hot water before putting in my second foot. It’s so hot that my skin tingles from the sensation of the heat. I suck in a breath, and quickly sink into the bath, biting down on my lip to stop me from crying out. The pain feels good. It takes away the pain that I feel ripping into the deepest depths of my soul, even if it is just temporary.
After a few minutes, the pain disintegrates and the warmth overwhelms me. I lie back in the bath, turn on my sound dock and push play on Evanescence ‘Going Under.’ I slide my head under the water and stay there for as long as I can until I’ve run out of breath. Floating on my back to the surface, I run my hands over my face to remove my hair from my eyes. While I just lie there staring at the ceiling allowing the lyrics of the song to float through my ears and dig into my now contaminated soul.
Hours pass, and when I begin to get goose bumps over my skin from the temperature of the water dropping, I pull the plug out and stand as I get out of the bath. Picking up my towel, I wrap it around myself and open the bathroom cabinet. There’s no doubt in my mind that I need something to help me sleep tonight. I see one of Carter’s Xanax tablet bottles sitting there from his accident. They’re begging me to pick them up—so I do. I pop the container lid open and drop two in one go then close the cupboard.
Turning to leave the bathroom, I stand on my old underwear that’s on the floor. I look down at them briefly before bending down to pick them up. I instantly feel sick. I swing the bathroom door open, run past Carter and dash into my room, slamming my door shut behind me. I move quickly to my desk, open my drawer and pull out some scissors and begin cutting them up into tiny little pieces before dumping them into a plastic bag and throwing it into my trash can. Once I’m done, I look down to my shaking hands. Fat tears drop from my eyes again and I swipe them away angrily.
It’s here and now that I decide that I will let this hurt for one night. I will cry for one night only. Cry for the girl I lost. However, after that, I will not let them have it. I’ll see someone to help me work through my issues, but I will not let it bring me down. Throwing my towel off, I pick up Ade’s hoodie again and shove it on then get under my bed covers.