She stared at the ground as she walked back and forth across the living room and kitchen, turning around and retracing her own steps several times in a row.
In all their years together, he’d never seen her like this. Sure, he’d witnessed more than his share of panic attacks and crying fits, but nothing like this. She was so agitated and so angry, pacing around his apartment back and forth, back and forth, like she was stuck on train tracks that moved her on the same path over and over again.
“So what do we do now?” Gage said, trying to get Fiona’s attention. But she didn’t look at him, her head bowed as she continued to move past him. Gage cleared his throat, speaking louder this time. “We’ve got to go back to square one, right?”
“I can’t fucking believe that we…” Fiona trailed off, shaking her head.
“What? Say it,” Gage said, leaning against the wall to look at her as she moved.
Fiona sighed deeply, her breath coming out ragged and rough. “We’re just…wasting our time. We don’t know what we’re doing here. We might as well just sit on our asses while he carves Tori up into bits.”
“Hey,” Gage said. “Don’t talk like that. It doesn’t help anything.”
“Well, what the hell will? Huh? What the fuck can we do to actually help? I’m just…” Fiona shook her head again and fell back into silence, picking up the pace until she was practically power-walking across the room.
“Hey, baby, baby, stop,” Gage said, stepping in front of Fiona to freeze her in her tracks. He grabbed her shoulders to hold her in place, but his grasp was gentle. She could have shrugged out of it if she wanted to. But she didn’t.
“Don’t call me that,” Fiona whispered. Her eyes were now wide and full of fear, but at least she wasn’t running away from him.
“It’s what you are,” Gage said. “No matter what, you know? You’re my…well, you know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t,” Fiona said, shaking her head again and staring down at their feet. “I don’t…I don’t feel good, Gage. I don’t feel okay.”
“Okay, okay, how can I help?” Gage asked, beginning to rub his hands gently over her shoulders, trying to work out the tremendous amounts of pressure he found between her shoulder-blades.
Fiona’s throat worked as she visibly swallowed, finally lifting her eyes to look into Gage’s. “Maybe just…hold me?” She leaned forward, slowly folding her body into Gage, who quickly wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest.
“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be alright,” Gage murmured into her hair, rubbing a hand down the top half of her back, feeling her spine through the back of her sweater and dress.
“It’s not; it’s not. It won’t be okay, Gage. I’m not okay,” Fiona whimpered into the fabric of his shirt, her words muffled but still audible.
Gage smoothed over the back of her head, scratching lightly at her scalp, feeling her sink deeper into his body. “Let’s go to the couch,” he murmured, dropping a kiss on the top of her head before pulling back to lead her over to the sofa.
They settled onto the cushions of the couch, Fiona pressing her body right up against Gage’s and reaching over to grab his hand. He could feel her pulse pounding through the thin skin of her wrist, her blood rushing right against him. Gage rubbed his fingers over the back of her hand, willing her heart to calm down, but it thumped hard and fast like a war drum. “You’re going to be okay,” he whispered to Fiona.
“How can you say that?” Fiona whispered, clutching harder at his hand until her nails dug into his skin. “I’ve never been okay, as long as you’ve known me. I’ve always been…”
“You’ve always been strong,” Gage argued. He didn’t mind feeling her nails dig into his skin. He was willing to take whatever pain she had to offer if it would make her feel better. “You’ve always been tough. You’ve weathered every storm. You’ll make it through this one, too, even if…” Even if we don’t find Tori in time, he thought to himself, not saying the words out loud. He wasn’t sure if Fiona could bear to hear them right now.
“But that’s just it,” Fiona said. “I’m not so sure I have made it through every situation. I…I think there’s something wrong with me. I think there’s something really wrong, like I’m dead inside or something.”