Swept into the Rich Man's World(29)

His chest felt heavy with so many words still unsaid. He drew her away  from the path and guided her to a bench under a giant chestnut tree. The  wood was warm under his hands when he gripped the base of the seat  tight. He glanced at her, and then away.

'That fear of losing someone is the reason why I swore I never wanted to  be in love with a woman. In Paris, as we grew closer, that fear  intensified. I was worried that if I fell in love with you I'd only end  up losing you at some point in the future. And that thought terrified  me.'

His jaw ached with tension and he had to work it loose before he continued.

'And rather than face that fear I refused to acknowledge what you meant  to me. After we slept together all my feelings for you were exposed, and  I panicked. I couldn't handle how I was feeling. How close I felt to  you, how I wanted you in my life. And when you said you were leaving I  didn't know how to ask you to stay.' Shaking his head, he added, 'At  first I was angry at you for going. I wanted you not to love me.'

He gave a rueful laugh and looked towards the sky in disbelief.

'I was cross that you had fallen in love with me. As if somebody can opt  in or out of falling in love. And then I tried to convince myself that  perhaps you going was for the best. That if you stayed any longer I  wouldn't be able to hide my feelings for you. And then I realised I was  kidding myself-that I was lost without you. I missed you, Aideen, with  every fibre of my being.'

He risked a quick glance in her direction and her look of compassion  caught him off-guard. His throat tightened, but he forced himself to  speak.

'For so long I thought I'd failed not only Orla but my mum and dad, too.  That I had not faced up to my responsibilities. But now I realise I  have to accept that I did the best I could in looking after Orla. That I  couldn't do any more. I have to stop blaming myself.'

His heart raced in his chest and he squeezed his hands even tighter on the edge of the seat before he continued.

'Today, as Orla and I spoke, I could see for the first time in a very  long time that we can have a relationship that works, one that's  supportive and loving. And I realised that I have to stop worrying that I  will mess up relationships... I have to let go of my fear of losing  those I love. I also realised that if I let you go then I would really  have failed. Failed you. And myself.'

Tears shone brightly in her eyes and his hand rose to capture her face.  His thumb slowly stroked her skin. She was about to say something, but  he spoke first.

'That first time I opened my door to you the night of the storm-when you  fell into my arms and soaked me through-I looked into those startled  brown eyes and deep inside myself I recognised you. Recognised that you  are the one. But I was too wrapped up in feelings of guilt and fear to  see it. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, so I kept telling  myself not to fall for you. I hadn't reckoned on how you would worm your  way into my heart. How my resilience would waver each time you smiled  and laughed. I hadn't reckoned on the joy and fun you brought into my  life. Just how mind-blowingly and crazily I would be physically  attracted to you. How I'd lose my mind and my heart to you when we made  love.'                       
       
           



       

His hand dropped from her cheek to hold hers. Blood pounded in his ears.

'I love you, Aideen. I don't know how, but in a matter of weeks you've  turned my life upside down. I can't even pinpoint when I fell in love  with you. Perhaps it was at every moment that you challenged me, whether  it was on the tennis court or in how I chose to spend my life. Of  course I didn't want to listen to you, but you loosened yet another  chink in the armour I had wrapped around myself for years. Or maybe it  was after I saw your delight went we ate at my club next to the Eiffel  Tower. Until the day I die I will remember just how stunningly beautiful  you looked that night.'

He watched her shocked expression, saw her hand pressed to her mouth. His stomach clenched.

He leant towards her and said in a low voice, 'Since Paris, all I can  think of is our lovemaking...your soft whispers. I'm in love with you,  Aideen Ryan.'

She said nothing, just shook her head, her hand still over her mouth.  Didn't she believe him? Panic gripped him. Should he just stop? No. He  had to tell her how much he loved her. How much he needed her in his  life.

'I'm in love with your chocolate eyes, your smiling mouth, your messy  chatterbox ways. There's so much I want to know about you. How you like  to celebrate Halloween, Christmas, birthdays. What's your favourite  flavour of ice cream? There's so much I want to experience with you. So  much more I want to learn about you and fall in love with. To go along  with how much I love your lips. The never-ending length of your  eyelashes. Your constant daydreaming. The five tiny piercings in your  right ear.'

That, at least, elicited a smile.

'In Paris I was convinced I couldn't give you the love you deserve. You  had been hurt enough in the past without me adding to it. For so long I  allowed my fear of losing those close to me to push people away. I was  certain I wasn't capable of being in an effective relationship. I was  terrified of taking that blind leap of faith-of telling someone you love  them and all the vulnerabilities and uncertainties that go with that.'

He looked into her eyes, his heart thumping wildly.

'You helped bring Orla and her baby girl back into my life. My life was  pretty empty until you arrived into it. My heart had shut down. I was  tired of losing people I loved. But you kick-started it with a bang  within hours of turning up in my life. That night of the storm I tried  to shut you out, but you kept worming your way in with your warmth and  humour.'

He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.

'At first I thought helping you would be a good distraction from  everything that was happening with Orla. But, in truth, now I realise  that I wanted to make up for failing Orla so badly by helping you  instead. I hadn't anticipated that it would actually be more about you  helping me. As each day passed you became a bigger and bigger part of my  life...until now I can't imagine a life with you. So much so that in  the past week I couldn't settle to anything. I grew increasingly  restless, and the only way I could think of distracting myself was by  taking to the road again, by selling Ashbrooke. But the truth is I can't  live without you. You have made me want to live life again-fully. You  are the most beautiful, courageous, kind, funny, and tender woman I have  ever met and I want you in my life...for ever.'

* * *

Her head swam with all his words. It would be so easy to give in to her  heart, give in to the chemistry and attraction that drew her like a  magnet to him. She wanted nothing more than to spend every second of the  rest of her life with him, to know every single inch of him.

But they were from different worlds, and no amount of love would change that.

'I don't know what to say. Oh, Patrick... You know how I feel for you,  but this is never going to work. We're too different. We're not equals. I  don't want to be in an unbalanced relationship.'

The pull of his hand on hers forced her to look back up at him. Gentle eyes held her gaze.

'What are you afraid of?'

Her pulse pounded at his question and her throat dried. 'That you will  have power over me. That I will spend my life feeling inadequate,  unequal, that I didn't contribute my fair share.'                       
       
           



       

He pulled her closer until there was only an inch separating them. His  beautiful gaze held hers with such compassion and warmth tears trickled  down her cheeks in response.

'Have I ever done any of those things to you? Made you feel like you aren't my equal?'

'No...'

'Do you trust me?'

Her heart burst forth with the truth and she answered resoundingly. 'Yes, I trust you.'

'Will you trust me when I say that we are equals? That we are both  bringing different but equally important things to this relationship?  You are bringing empathy, joy, creativity...and you brought my family  back together. What could be more important than that? You have a love  for me that no one else can ever give me. How can any of those things be  of less importance than wealth?' Before she could answer he said  quickly, 'You do love me, don't you?'

She struggled to speak against the wave of emotions that churned in her  body. She squeezed his hands, needing to clutch on to his strength in  order to carry on. 'I love you with all my heart. You are kind and  generous. More handsome than any man deserves to be. You make me feel  like the most special person in the world. When we made love I felt an  intimacy, a love for you, that was so intense, so real...it was almost  frightening. I love you so much... But you have so much wealth, and I  have practically nothing... It doesn't seem right. And I'm so confused.'