His chest felt heavy with so many words still unsaid. He drew her away from the path and guided her to a bench under a giant chestnut tree. The wood was warm under his hands when he gripped the base of the seat tight. He glanced at her, and then away.
'That fear of losing someone is the reason why I swore I never wanted to be in love with a woman. In Paris, as we grew closer, that fear intensified. I was worried that if I fell in love with you I'd only end up losing you at some point in the future. And that thought terrified me.'
His jaw ached with tension and he had to work it loose before he continued.
'And rather than face that fear I refused to acknowledge what you meant to me. After we slept together all my feelings for you were exposed, and I panicked. I couldn't handle how I was feeling. How close I felt to you, how I wanted you in my life. And when you said you were leaving I didn't know how to ask you to stay.' Shaking his head, he added, 'At first I was angry at you for going. I wanted you not to love me.'
He gave a rueful laugh and looked towards the sky in disbelief.
'I was cross that you had fallen in love with me. As if somebody can opt in or out of falling in love. And then I tried to convince myself that perhaps you going was for the best. That if you stayed any longer I wouldn't be able to hide my feelings for you. And then I realised I was kidding myself-that I was lost without you. I missed you, Aideen, with every fibre of my being.'
He risked a quick glance in her direction and her look of compassion caught him off-guard. His throat tightened, but he forced himself to speak.
'For so long I thought I'd failed not only Orla but my mum and dad, too. That I had not faced up to my responsibilities. But now I realise I have to accept that I did the best I could in looking after Orla. That I couldn't do any more. I have to stop blaming myself.'
His heart raced in his chest and he squeezed his hands even tighter on the edge of the seat before he continued.
'Today, as Orla and I spoke, I could see for the first time in a very long time that we can have a relationship that works, one that's supportive and loving. And I realised that I have to stop worrying that I will mess up relationships... I have to let go of my fear of losing those I love. I also realised that if I let you go then I would really have failed. Failed you. And myself.'
Tears shone brightly in her eyes and his hand rose to capture her face. His thumb slowly stroked her skin. She was about to say something, but he spoke first.
'That first time I opened my door to you the night of the storm-when you fell into my arms and soaked me through-I looked into those startled brown eyes and deep inside myself I recognised you. Recognised that you are the one. But I was too wrapped up in feelings of guilt and fear to see it. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, so I kept telling myself not to fall for you. I hadn't reckoned on how you would worm your way into my heart. How my resilience would waver each time you smiled and laughed. I hadn't reckoned on the joy and fun you brought into my life. Just how mind-blowingly and crazily I would be physically attracted to you. How I'd lose my mind and my heart to you when we made love.'
His hand dropped from her cheek to hold hers. Blood pounded in his ears.
'I love you, Aideen. I don't know how, but in a matter of weeks you've turned my life upside down. I can't even pinpoint when I fell in love with you. Perhaps it was at every moment that you challenged me, whether it was on the tennis court or in how I chose to spend my life. Of course I didn't want to listen to you, but you loosened yet another chink in the armour I had wrapped around myself for years. Or maybe it was after I saw your delight went we ate at my club next to the Eiffel Tower. Until the day I die I will remember just how stunningly beautiful you looked that night.'
He watched her shocked expression, saw her hand pressed to her mouth. His stomach clenched.
He leant towards her and said in a low voice, 'Since Paris, all I can think of is our lovemaking...your soft whispers. I'm in love with you, Aideen Ryan.'
She said nothing, just shook her head, her hand still over her mouth. Didn't she believe him? Panic gripped him. Should he just stop? No. He had to tell her how much he loved her. How much he needed her in his life.
'I'm in love with your chocolate eyes, your smiling mouth, your messy chatterbox ways. There's so much I want to know about you. How you like to celebrate Halloween, Christmas, birthdays. What's your favourite flavour of ice cream? There's so much I want to experience with you. So much more I want to learn about you and fall in love with. To go along with how much I love your lips. The never-ending length of your eyelashes. Your constant daydreaming. The five tiny piercings in your right ear.'
That, at least, elicited a smile.
'In Paris I was convinced I couldn't give you the love you deserve. You had been hurt enough in the past without me adding to it. For so long I allowed my fear of losing those close to me to push people away. I was certain I wasn't capable of being in an effective relationship. I was terrified of taking that blind leap of faith-of telling someone you love them and all the vulnerabilities and uncertainties that go with that.'
He looked into her eyes, his heart thumping wildly.
'You helped bring Orla and her baby girl back into my life. My life was pretty empty until you arrived into it. My heart had shut down. I was tired of losing people I loved. But you kick-started it with a bang within hours of turning up in my life. That night of the storm I tried to shut you out, but you kept worming your way in with your warmth and humour.'
He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair.
'At first I thought helping you would be a good distraction from everything that was happening with Orla. But, in truth, now I realise that I wanted to make up for failing Orla so badly by helping you instead. I hadn't anticipated that it would actually be more about you helping me. As each day passed you became a bigger and bigger part of my life...until now I can't imagine a life with you. So much so that in the past week I couldn't settle to anything. I grew increasingly restless, and the only way I could think of distracting myself was by taking to the road again, by selling Ashbrooke. But the truth is I can't live without you. You have made me want to live life again-fully. You are the most beautiful, courageous, kind, funny, and tender woman I have ever met and I want you in my life...for ever.'
* * *
Her head swam with all his words. It would be so easy to give in to her heart, give in to the chemistry and attraction that drew her like a magnet to him. She wanted nothing more than to spend every second of the rest of her life with him, to know every single inch of him.
But they were from different worlds, and no amount of love would change that.
'I don't know what to say. Oh, Patrick... You know how I feel for you, but this is never going to work. We're too different. We're not equals. I don't want to be in an unbalanced relationship.'
The pull of his hand on hers forced her to look back up at him. Gentle eyes held her gaze.
'What are you afraid of?'
Her pulse pounded at his question and her throat dried. 'That you will have power over me. That I will spend my life feeling inadequate, unequal, that I didn't contribute my fair share.'
He pulled her closer until there was only an inch separating them. His beautiful gaze held hers with such compassion and warmth tears trickled down her cheeks in response.
'Have I ever done any of those things to you? Made you feel like you aren't my equal?'
'No...'
'Do you trust me?'
Her heart burst forth with the truth and she answered resoundingly. 'Yes, I trust you.'
'Will you trust me when I say that we are equals? That we are both bringing different but equally important things to this relationship? You are bringing empathy, joy, creativity...and you brought my family back together. What could be more important than that? You have a love for me that no one else can ever give me. How can any of those things be of less importance than wealth?' Before she could answer he said quickly, 'You do love me, don't you?'
She struggled to speak against the wave of emotions that churned in her body. She squeezed his hands, needing to clutch on to his strength in order to carry on. 'I love you with all my heart. You are kind and generous. More handsome than any man deserves to be. You make me feel like the most special person in the world. When we made love I felt an intimacy, a love for you, that was so intense, so real...it was almost frightening. I love you so much... But you have so much wealth, and I have practically nothing... It doesn't seem right. And I'm so confused.'