Until her.
Until her admission, her whispered confession, and the moment of stolen peace, earned from her trembling fingers.
I had instructed her to sin.
I should have confessed then. Benjamin was the only priest who wouldn’t have immediately condemned me to Hell for destroying the precious bond between Confessor and Priest.
But to reveal that wicked misdeed, I’d have to share everything else. How it felt when she spoke my name. How my heart raced, blood boiled, and cock hardened with her every baited whisper.
That was my sin, and it was also my delight. The secret wickedness was meant only for me, and that soft, forsaken mew she whimpered within the confessional would forever belong to my soul.
And it was my fault.
If I wanted to save Honor, I had to first master the desires which burned through me. Unfortunately, I had no earthly or heavenly idea how to protect myself from such terrible beauty.
“Father…” This sort of talk necessitated formality, titles, and respect. “You’ve had a long life in the clergy.”
“Yes.”
“How did you learn to deny temptations?”
Benjamin took a deep breath. “Is such a thing possible?”
I was beginning to think no. “It must be.”
“Each man is different, Rafe.”
“I know. I thought I understood what made me unique—my personal strengths and weaknesses.”
“Which are?”
“Faith.”
He smiled. “Faith is both your strength and weakness?”
“My faith in the Lord is my greatest strength…but I have no faith in man.”
“Or yourself?”
“I am a man.”
“Yes,” Benjamin said. “You are a very young, very passionate man. This life was never going to be easy for someone like you.”
“But it is my life.”
“Yes.”
“Every day, men and woman are faced with temptations. They fear those uncertainties as much as they want their desires. It is that fear which traps them in sin.”
Benjamin sighed. “Are you so different?”
Yes. “I see no reason to fear what tempts us.”
“Why?”
“Because I would rather face it. Seize it, understand it. Then I would destroy it.”
He silenced, leaning against the pillow in a quiet prayer. Benjamin eventually looked to me, his eyes hazy with drugs and face jaundiced by the illness raging through his body.
“Do not put your Lord God to the test…” He groaned. “That’s in Deuteronomy. You don’t even have to read far into the book to find that command.”
“I’m not challenging God. I’m challenging myself.”
“Why?”
“So I can fight the temptations that endanger the virtue of those around me.”
“Virtue?” Benjamin tried to sit up. He didn’t make it, and his grimace of pain rolled through me. “Be careful, Rafe. You are a strong, fierce man, but temptation exists for a reason—to take advantage of those who would fall to their pride.”
“I am not proud of this.” My voice steadied. “Pride means I’d underestimate the danger. I do not. But the only way I will overcome this is if I face it. Challenge it.”
“This is a risky game.”
“It’s the only game that matters.”
And I meant it. Nothing meant more to me than my faith or my soul…except the sanctity of others. While other priests would run to avoid that confrontation, I met it head on.
And so would she.
“I will only say this once…” Benjamin leaned close, taking my hand. “I understand you, Raphael. I have, ever since you were the lost little boy that came looking to join my flock. You are a devoted priest, and every man finds the Lord in his own way. But…” His voice dropped. “You are young. You are attractive. You are a man who would draw attention, even if you were not wearing a cassock.”
“I understand that, Father.”
“You don’t. I know you are a faithful man. But the diocese?” He frowned. “You wanted a home, and so I spoke with the bishop and made it happen. Three years is a long time in a single parish, especially for a man…like you.”
“I know, Father.”
“When I am gone, you will be moved. Frequently. To avoid any…”
“Scandal?”
“Sacrilege.”
Right. Like what occurred last night. Like the thoughts and desires and need that still surged through my body and blood.
Maybe it was for the best. Maybe a change in diocese would shield Honor from my intentions, my presence.
Or maybe she was sent to me because I was the only one who could save her?
Maybe we’d save each other.
“Don’t worry about me,” I said. “You’ve taught me well.”