Reading Online Novel

Sweetest Sin(89)



My heart pounded, but Mom burst ahead. She bore more pride for her failures than most people earned in their successes.

“You have every right to be mad,” she said. “I made mistakes. I messed up. Bad. And I paid the price. I lost my home. My family and friends. My husband.” Her voice wavered. “If it meant your dad would have lived, I’d have spent a lifetime in jail. God as my witness, Honor, for so long I wished it had been me. I would’ve given my life, my freedom, my soul if he might have stayed on this earth and been there for you.”

I sucked in a breath. It cooled the tears, but I didn’t know for how long. “Dad loved you.”

“Not as much as he loved you. And I love you too, baby. I never expressed it right. The drugs and the drinking…it put a distance between us. I could never tell people that they meant the world to me. And I know you must have thought you weren’t as important as my next high, but, believe me, honey. You were always more to me than the addiction. Even if you didn’t know it.”

“I knew it.” I hugged myself. “But I pretended I didn’t. It was easier that way. But I knew.”

“I never showed it.”

“Yes, you did. When I was sick and home from school, you’d cuddle me on the couch.”

Mom shook her head. “I was passed out most of the time anyway.”

“You taught me how to French braid my hair.”

“A mother should be more than that.”

I sighed. “On your bad days, you told Dad and Grandma to come help. You never wanted me to be alone. You tried to hide the sickness from me.”

“Because you were so innocent,” she said. “You still are.”

I didn’t feel that way anymore. “It doesn’t excuse my behavior. I should have helped more. I should have tried to understand.”

“That was your dad’s problem,” Mom said.

“That he helped?”

“To the detriment of himself. I see so much of him in you. You want a family. You are eager to love. You take responsibility for everyone and put too much pressure on yourself.” She leaned over the counter to take my hand. “You were a good child, and now you’ve grown into a great woman.”

“I don’t think so.” I didn’t pull away. “I tried to be good, but I’m…”

“You’ve not hurt anyone. You’ve not caused problems. You’re respectful and kind. Charitable.” Mom forced a smile. “And let’s not forget—you didn’t lose the best years of your life to a bottle of whiskey.”

I looked down. “Not all addictions are chemical, Mom. And some can ruin your life just the same.”

Mom settled in her chair. She pulled the uneaten chicken away from me and handed me the cookie instead. I watched as she dumped my sweet tea in the sink and filled the glass with milk instead.

I frowned. “What are you doing?”

“I know when my daughter needs her momma.” She tapped the cookie. “And I know when she’s talking about a man, even if she tries to hide it.”

“Mom—”

“The more capacity you have for love, the worse it hurts when your heart is broken.”

I shifted. “It’s okay. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Take it from me—talk about your problems. Don’t bundle them up tight, or you might lose them in a dark part of you that demands more pain to keep things hidden. Baby, learn from my mistakes. If you have someone in your life who wants to help, take that blessing.”

Blessing?

The only blessing I wanted was the one gift I’d never receive.

I didn’t know what to say. How to say it.

I couldn’t justify my behavior, the things I’d done, the life I’d ruined. I didn’t just tempt myself. No matter how beautiful our nights were, no matter how much we healed each other, when I came to be judged, my greatest sin wouldn’t be forgiven.

I desired a priest.

“I fell for the wrong man,” I said.

“How wrong?”

My eyebrow rose. “The worst…and the best.”

“Does he care for you?” she asked.

“He’s not supposed to.”

Mom arched an eyebrow. “But he does anyway?”

She made it sound like my mystery man was married—and he was. To the church. To his calling. To his ordination and faith.

And yet, I was glad she thought of me as an adulterer. It was better than the truth.

“He’s a good man with a good heart and soul,” I said. “If he could…I think he would love me.”

Mom didn’t like that. “That’s the only type of man worth your while. One who does love you. Who would care for you. Take you in sickness even if he never sees you healthy. If he can’t give you that, he’s not good enough for you.”