Even if it destroyed me.
My voice hardened. I’d never voiced the truth, not even to Benjamin.
“I became a priest because I wanted to live a celibate life. I thought…it’d protect me.”
Honor lowered her eyes. The guilt dulled her spirit, and I wouldn’t tolerate it. She’d done nothing wrong.
“I don’t regret our nights together,” I said. “I just wanted to protect you from…me. I always thought sex was something vulgar, destructive, and sadistic. What we did, I did to you.”
She looked up, her voice soft and steady. “And was it as vile as you had thought it’d be?”
No.
Not in the least.
Her body, her soul, her touch had been a glorious, tender blessing.
“Did I hurt you?” I whispered. “Honestly, Honor. I need to know.”
“You’ve never once hurt me.”
I ached to believe her, but it was the first time I feared hope would be a sin.
“Honor, I’ve wanted you from the moment I met you. I imagined you beneath me. Impaled on me. Serving me.”
Her smile was too warm. “And I imagined you above me. Within me. I wanted to serve you…that was my pleasure.”
No. No, no, no. She didn’t understand.
“You’re twisting my words,” I said.
“I’m not. You think you’re corrupted.” She shrugged. “It’s not a sin to want someone. To want that connection with another person.”
“But I had such dark and terrible urges. I had to fight them.”
“Were they dark? Did you honestly want to hurt me?”
“Never. No.” The thought revolted me, but so did my desires. “But the things I’d have done to your body…”
“I wanted you to do that to me. I wanted to experience it with you.”
It couldn’t be right. I didn’t look at her, fearing the images I’d see. The memory of her naked body was almost as frightening as the kindness of her smile.
“Father.” How was her voice so comforting? “You told me we had to deny temptation so we could fight our sins and test our faith. But you weren’t battling temptation, were you? You were hating yourself. You desired me, and you thought that meant you’d abuse me…just like you’d been hurt.”
I gritted my teeth.
Hell was guilt. Hell was shame.
Hell was admitting a truth no man should have uttered.
“I wanted to prove that I was stronger than my father,” I said. “That I could be tempted, but that I had the strength to walk away. I wanted to know that it was possible to desire and lust, but not become a monster like him. I had to know I could deny myself those perversions…and, in the end, I couldn’t.”
Honor touched my cheek. Why didn’t I push her away? “That’s because what we have isn’t a perversion. It’s not pain or abuse. It hasn’t shamed me or hurt me or ruined me.”
“What was it?”
“Amazing.” She leaned in close. “Perfect. Something that was always meant to happen.”
Her lips met mine. Soft. Tender.
Loving.
“Have you forgiven him?” she asked.
Such a simple question which was only answered in a lifetime of hatred. Benjamin had asked the same question. I had no answer for him then. I couldn’t imagine the truth now.
I clenched my jaw. “No. He molded me into something I hate. He does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation. I fear my father’s sins as much as I fear my own.”
“Why?”
I closed my eyes. “Because I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You haven’t hurt me.”
“Yet.”
Honor’s hand wove through my hair. A touch so intimate and warm I was amazed at how much she healed in the grace of her fingers.
“You can’t fear your desires.”
“And I can’t trust them.”
“Why?”
“Because I only want you, my angel. My body, my blood, my soul wants you. That is my true confession, Honor. I would whisper a thousand prayers for a chance to experience the miracle of your kiss.”
“It’s no miracle.” She stared at me, so beautiful and honest. “It’d be a sin to deny what we feel. What we are together.”
“What are we?”
“Healed.”
I hardened, lost in the grace of her words. I could fight my urges. I could deny my instincts. I could hate myself, my thoughts, and my soul. But I couldn’t refuse her.
My body craved her touch, and my heart begged for her comforts, her kindness, and the words we could never whisper.
I caressed her cheek. Her mouth parted in a breathless sigh, and I stroked my thumb over her soft lips. She kissed me before she revealed too much.