Honor crossed her arms. Didn’t she realize it offered more of her curves for my inspection?
No. She didn’t.
And that made me all the more wicked.
Eve…playing with the forbidden fruit without realizing the damning consequences.
“I have fought it,” she said. “But you are the one who keeps me close, Father. You wanted me here, in the choir, in the groups.”
“Yes, because I can protect you.”
Amen.
“How?”
I extended my hands. “Temptation is inescapable, but surrendering is a choice. We fear what we don’t know, the forces we don’t understand. If we wish to fight this, we must take the opportunity to understand what burns in us. If we discover why we would sin together, then we’ll have the power to deny it in our most basic instincts.”
“Deny it?” She repeated. “Do you think it’s that easy?”
“No. No test of faith is ever easy.”
Honor frowned. “I didn’t think we were supposed to test our faith?”
“Our faith is constantly tested. We must challenge our humanity. Deny the animalistic needs, terrible desires, and wicked perversions that would tarnish our soul.”
I spoke harshly. Too aggressively. Honor stiffened, and her beautiful expression twisted into confusion.
“Father Rafe, you speak as if all sex is…evil.”
She wouldn’t know. I didn’t expect someone of her innocence to understand.
“Yes, Honor. Every touch.”
“But—” Her words turned from hushed heat to quiet pity. I clenched my jaw as she looked upon me, too gentle to realize the truth. “That’s not what I imagined sex would be.”
“How would you imagine us then?” I asked. “Answer honestly.”
“Well, this…” She tucked her hair behind her ears. “This would be…dangerous. Wrong. Tempting and forbidden. Exciting, though I know we’d suffer for it.”
“Then you understand.”
“No, I don’t.” She frowned. “Sex between lovers, between a man and a woman, married and connected? That would be something…beautiful and holy.”
Poor angel.
Innocent angel.
“Sex is a declaration of power over another person.” An old darkness clouded my mind. I refused to let it take hold. I lost too many years to that evil. “The strong enforce their will upon a weaker body.”
“But—”
“It is raw, primal, animalistic. An invasion of body and soul.”
Honor frowned. “Some would call that the ultimate trust, Father.”
“And I see it for the truth—a moment when you are lost, without escape. You would be taken and made for a man’s desires.”
She shook her head. “Or you are made beautiful, safe, and lost only within tender affection and loving promise.”
“You’re naïve.”
“And you’re…in such despair.”
I wouldn’t allow her to pity me. “I recognize my desires because they are shared by all men. I have no faith in us.”
Honor glanced to the locked door. “Do you have faith in yourself?”
I tapped my collar. “Yes, though I struggle, as all men do. But I can control myself. I vowed to temper those thoughts, those desires, those sins.” I held her stare. “And you will resist as well.”
“How? Do you want us to…deliberately tempt ourselves?”
“Yes.”
“That doesn’t make any sense.”
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind,” I quoted. “And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
“Shouldn’t we leave this to Him then?” she asked.
“We will not be rid of this lust until we understand it. We can hide from it. We can ignore it. But we will always be a slave to it unless we conquer it ourselves.”
Her lips parted as though she would argue.
As though she feared she would fail.
“I want to explore our temptations,” I said. “Bend our bodies to our spiritual limit and prove we are unbreakable in our vows. We will test ourselves so that we can be prepared to deny our weaknesses.”
Honor spoke softly. “And if we can’t do this, Father? If we surrender to it?”
“We won’t.”
“But if we do?”
“There is no if. We cannot fail.”
“Then why risk it?”
I wouldn’t have her lose faith so quickly. I seized her in my arms, just as I did before, just as closely and fiercely.
Only this time…I kissed the words from her.
And in that moment, she became mine.