If I’d thought sitting on top of Cassio would allow me control, I’d been sorely mistaken. Cassio played me like a master controlled his puppet. His hands clamping down on my hips, he held me fast as he slammed into me from below, forcing me to take whatever he gave. Every thrust hit deeper than before, nudging a point I hadn’t known existed. I gave up my fight for control, surrendered to Cassio’s demands. Today he’d get this. There was still tomorrow.
I lay awake long after Giulia had fallen asleep, curled up on her side, facing me. This time she’d accepted it quietly when I’d pulled back after sex to sleep. I could still feel her warmth, smell her sweet scent, sense her closeness, and briefly, I considered pulling her toward me. Instead I stared up into the dark. Giulia had surprised me again today, in more regards than one. She was stubborn and kind. She stood up for herself without being bitchy.
And the sex… that had caught me completely off guard. I’d expected her to avoid the physical aspect of our marriage as long as possible until I eventually approached her because my desire couldn’t be suppressed anymore. I didn’t want to cheat, and I wouldn’t. The clusterfuck with Gaia… it had ruined everything. I didn’t want something like that to happen again and it wouldn’t.
I would not allow it.
I didn’t know Giulia, and she didn’t know me, but in bed, we worked well together. When she’d finally come for the first time, it was the sweetest triumph I could imagine.
Eating her sweet pussy was wonderful and rewarding in its own way. Gaia hadn’t wanted me to do it to her, so I hadn’t. Giulia was the first woman I’d gone down on in almost ten years, and I promised myself to eat her every goddamn night if she let me. In the short time of our marriage, I already felt younger. These last few months I’d felt old beyond my age, exhausted and wary. This exhilaration of the beginning would fade though. It was an illusion I couldn’t entertain.
As if to remind me of that irrefutable fact, Simona’s cry blared through the baby monitor, destroying any hope of falling asleep soon.
Giulia stirred beside me, a soft groan slipping out of those sweet lips. I turned the lights on and sat up. Another sleepless night.
Giulia blinked against the brightness, obviously disoriented. “What’s going on?”
“Simona wants the bottle.”
Giulia nodded slowly and slipped out of bed. I stood as well.
“You can sleep. I can handle it. I know you have to work tomorrow.”
I paused, watching as she slipped out of our bedroom. After a moment, I followed. Giulia didn’t have experience with children as had become apparent last night. I wasn’t sure she could handle Simona. Especially at night, my daughter was demanding and her cries absolutely nerve-racking. Had Giulia the necessary calm to handle her?
I didn’t think she’d ever hurt my children, she didn’t seem the type, but she was young. Feeling overwhelmed could be dangerous.
Simona’s cries didn’t stop, but they lessened in intensity. I hovered in the doorway to her room, stunned by what I saw. Giulia had bought a sort of baby sling that allowed her to carry Simona against her chest and was currently trying to close it in her back. It was obviously the first time she tried to do it. I walked toward her and helped her. I’d never seen such a thing, so it took us a couple of tries to close it.
“Thank you,” Giulia said. “I bought this today. The saleslady told me that it helps calm babies, so I thought I’d give it a try. It allows the child to feel connected to their mother…” She trailed off.
Simona peered up at me, her head resting against Giulia’s chest.
“Let’s get you something to eat, all right?” Giulia said softly and stroked Simona’s head. Then she smiled at me. “You can go back to sleep. My hands are free to prepare the bottle. See?” She raised her hands.
I nodded slowly. Giulia pressed her palm against Simona’s butt and headed into the corridor, all the while talking quietly to my daughter whose cries became less frequent. I kept following them downstairs. The dog trotted after us into the kitchen and sat down beside Giulia when she began preparing the bottle. She swayed gently from side to side, humming, which seemed to have a calming effect on Simona, even if she still whined occasionally.
Giulia threw a glance over her shoulder at me. “You don’t trust me to handle it yet, right?” She didn’t sound angry, only resigned.
“It’s not a matter of trust.” But it was. I’d never been very trusting, and now my capacity for it was almost completely exploited.
Giulia’s smile was sad. “It’s okay. They are your whole world. You want to protect them.” She tested the temperature of the milk then opened one strap of the sling so she could give the bottle to Simona who latched onto it at once. “I’m going to do my best to take care of them.”
I believed her.
Together, we walked back upstairs. I noticed the open door to Gaia’s old bedroom. Giulia followed my gaze. “Simona and I are fine, really.”
I headed to the bedroom. As expected, Daniele lay curled up on the covers of the bed in a new pajama set with Superman signs all over it. My heart felt heavy seeing his small form. Whenever I looked at this bed, all I saw was blood, but he sought comfort here. I picked him up. He snuggled against my warmth, and I held him tighter. I wished he’d allow this closeness when he was awake too, like he used to do in the past. I took him to bed before I went to Simona’s nursery once more. Giulia sat in the rocking chair and fed Simona.
Her expression became stern when she spotted me in the doorway. “Go to bed, Cassio. I mean it. I can handle this.”
I retreated slowly and went to bed. It didn’t take long before I fell asleep. I only woke briefly when Giulia crept back into bed later, but I wasn’t sure what time it was. She lay down so close to me that I could feel her warmth, but I didn’t mind. I was already drifting off again when her fingertips lightly brushed my hand.
Simona had woken one more time, but Giulia insisted I stay in bed as she took care of it.
Maybe that was why I felt more relaxed this morning than I’d felt in a long time. Despite her lack of sleep, Giulia got up once I was done in the bathroom and slipped in herself.
I went into Daniele’s room. He was awake, as usual at this time, already bent over his tablet. In the beginning I’d hide it from him, but when he played with that thing, it was the only time he looked even remotely happy, so I always gave it back to him. He didn’t look up when I entered, but his little shoulders hunched. I got down on my haunches beside his bed to be eye level with him. Still nothing.
“Daniele, come on. Put that aside.” No reaction. I took it away, and he started screaming, but I put it up on a shelf. I picked him up despite his struggling. His refusal to be close to me cut worse than those whips had many years ago.
I swallowed and put him down on the changing table. It was our ritual that I woke him. It had been like this since he was very small. He always loved our morning time… not anymore.
His teary eyes slanted to something behind me. I turned, finding Giulia in the doorway, her eyes full of emotion and the dog on her arm.
She came inside. “Loulou heard you crying and came up to check on you.”
Daniele quieted, regarding the dog with big eyes.
Giulia stopped beside the changing table so the dog could look down at Daniele and Daniele up at it. I undressed him and for once he didn’t fight. His wide eyes were fixated on the dog as I changed his diaper. Giulia took clothes out of the wardrobe and put them down beside me. Jeans, socks that looked like sneakers, and a sweater with the words “Big brother.”
“You get to wear your big brother shirt today,” she said, grinning.
Daniele’s mouth trembled into a small smile, and I had to look away for a moment. Clearing my throat, I said, “You are a good big brother. Simona needs you at her side.”
Daniele nodded slowly and let me put the clothes on. He could dress himself, more or less, but as with so many other things, he refused to do it since his mother’s death. I lifted him off the table but didn’t put him down so he could walk as I usually would have done. I pressed him to my body. His eyes remained on Loulou, but at least he didn’t try to squirm away from me.
“Let’s check on Simona,” I said.
We headed into Simona’s room together, and Giulia set Loulou down so she could pick up Simona. The dog trotted out of the room to do whatever it had in mind, probably pee on the expensive rugs. The moment it was out of sight, Daniele became restless. I lowered him to the floor before he could start to cry. He immediately walked away, probably to go in search of his tablet. Giulia held Simona but looked at me. The compassion in her expression didn’t infuriate me this morning. It only made me feel wistful. With Simona on her arm, she came over to me and touched my chest. “He’ll come around. Give it time. It takes time to heal.”
Would she be as optimistic if she knew what had happened?
I glanced down at my watch. “I need to go now.” Then, and I wasn’t sure why I cupped her cheek and pressed a light kiss to her mouth. “I appreciate your efforts.”
Surprise crossed her face. The same surprise I felt since minute one of our marriage. She wasn’t anything like I expected. She could have given in to teenage hysterics, but instead she tried to handle the tasks of her new life.