Sweet Surrender(72)

“Why didn’t you?”

“I was young. Scared. I had no place to go. No one I could count on. And at the heart of everything, she was still my mother. I couldn’t leave her because I knew she wouldn’t survive without me.”

Gray wrapped his arms around her and pulled until she was tight against his chest. He reclined until they were both leaning back staring up at the night sky.

She closed her eyes and savored the strength in his embrace. The comfort and acceptance. The understanding.

“So what happened?” he asked.

She knew he meant how she ended up here, with Pop, away from her mother. Her lips trembled at the memory of that night.

“When I was twenty, I was working two jobs, so I wasn’t around much to babysit her. I bought food, paid the bills and never gave her money. I thought by doing so, she wouldn’t have a way to pay for drugs. I underestimated how far she’d go to get what she wanted.

“When I got home from my second job, I found her passed out in the living room of our tiny apartment. She wasn’t breathing. I called 911 and did as much CPR as I remembered. When the ambulance got there, they were able to resuscitate her and take her to a hospital.

“I can remember sitting in the waiting room at the hospital feeling guilty because I wasn’t sure if I wanted her to survive or not.” She shuddered, trying to wipe away the guilt she still felt. “How horrible is that? Wishing my own mother dead.”

Gray’s arms tightened around her. “Not horrible. It’s human.”

“They found Pop’s phone number in her purse and called him. When he and Connor showed up, I bawled my eyes out on Pop’s shoulder. Connor took me to a hotel and stayed with me while Pop got Mom sorted out. He set her up in rehab and what else I’m not even sure. At the time I didn’t care. I was too relieved not to have had to deal with it myself. He and Connor took me back to Houston with them, told me I was part of their family. Pop gave me a stiff lecture about not enabling my mother and told me to wash my hands of her.”

She shifted against Gray, turning slightly so that her cheek rested on his shoulder. He looked down at her, his eyes soft with sympathy.

“Do you have any idea how relieving it was to have someone say it was okay to take myself out of my relationship with my mother? It sounds silly, but I needed someone to tell me it was okay, that I wasn’t a bad person.”

Gray nodded and touched a finger to her chin. “Most people wouldn’t have done all you did for her.”

“When Pop told me he wanted to adopt me…I can remember staring at him, so stunned. Then I burst into tears and cried a river. He thought he’d upset me, but it was the most wonderful thing anyone had ever done for me. For the first time, I felt like I truly belonged. He and Connor were my family. Here I was, twenty years old, and I felt like a child all over again.”

Gray kissed her forehead and touched his fingers to her cheek, running invisible lines from her cheekbone to her ear.

“So you’ve been with Pop ever since.”

She nodded slightly, not wanting to knock his hand from her face. “He moved me into one of his apartments, gave me a job at Malone and Sons, and gave me a stern lecture about ever allowing my mother back into my life.”

“But she’s calling you,” he said quietly.

She tensed, but he continued stroking her cheek, and she gradually relaxed. “Yes. She’s calling again. Same routine. She wants money. In her defense, I’ve always come through for her, even after Pop told me never to give her anything. He once said that if you give a dog a handout, they’ll never leave you alone. He was right. Only this time I refused to help her.”

She lowered her voice and looked away. He touched the cheek she now presented as she looked out toward the ocean. “She’s in trouble, and all I want is for her to go away. I’ve tried ignoring it. I haven’t told Pop about the phone calls, and if he knew, he’d be hurt and angry that I hadn’t told him. But I didn’t want to keep burdening him with my problems. He’s done enough for me. I knew it was time for me to draw my line in the sand. Only this time I think she really does need help.”

“You can’t fix her life,” Gray said gently. “Pop is right. If you keep bailing her out of trouble, she’ll never go away. And the thing is, she may never get her act together. Then where does that put you? Always in a position of being her crutch.”

She nodded. “I know. I keep telling myself that, but then I go back to the fact that she’s my mother. If you have no one else in the world, you’re supposed to at least have your mother, right?”