I couldn't allow myself to dwell on the tattooed freak or the ex-cop Simon Andrews. If I did that, I'd be an absolute mess, and I had Daisy to think of. But stopping myself from thinking of the legal side of my problems wasn't so easy to deny. Despite my history. Despite my association with the man who laundered McLaren's dirty money. Despite the fact I stole from a drug king. I am a good person. A law abiding person. I'd like to think a morally upright person.
At least I was trying to be.
So the ledger and my possession of it, and what that could mean legally for me, was definitely forefront in my mind.
Forty minutes after Ryan had finished his call with Dominic, he received a text message back. Delay. We're working on it. Have faith, it said. An hour became an indefinite amount of time and I started to pace.
It was Ryan who put Daisy to bed. Ryan who sang Daisy Bell as she drifted off to sleep. Ryan who tucked her sheets in tightly, and kissed her sweet, sweet head. I watched, but I was trembling. From head to toe, and I couldn’t let her see me like that.
I'd thought I was happy to be rid of my icy confident shield. But I was drowning here. Ironic, isn't it? It was me drowning in Ryan's mother's house. Not him.
He was so much stronger than I'd ever been.
"Hey," he whispered, as he pulled the door to Daisy's room shut. "Hang in there, babe. We'll get through this."
My head shook from side to side. "How?" I whispered.
"Well, first a hot bath with copious amounts of bubbles." I blinked up at him. "You smell like bleach." He wrapped me in his arms and nuzzled his face into my neck, despite the bleach comment. "I wanna smell my Marie," he murmured.
"You want to see me naked," I pointed out.
"Yeah, that too. But if you want to bathe alone, I can manage."
"I don't know if I want a bath at all," I argued.
"Come on." He started pulling me towards the bathroom off our bedroom. "Let me run one and then you can decide."
He settled me on a stool in the corner and then fussed around pouring bath foam into the running water and lighting a couple of candles on the windowsill. I couldn't help but smile at his efforts. At any other time, with any other thoughts running through my head, it would have been romantic.
He turned to look at me, that intense gleam in his eyes. The candlelight flickered, making the colours melt and gold and reds flare up in amongst the brown.
"Do you want me to undress you?" he asked, but he didn't wait for an answer. "Just so you know, that would be my preferred." I smiled, huffing out a snort of amusement despite myself. "But I gotta be honest too. If I undress you, there'll be kissing and fondling and licking and maybe biting, and well, the bath might get a little cold."
The smile widened as I began to slip out of my t-shirt and undo my jeans.
He growled, but just crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the wall, eyes half-lidded.
I hadn't actually thought about how easy it was to be with this man. How comfortable and natural. How undressing in front of him, while he hungrily watched and made no bones about wanting to touch and taste, was a simple thing to do. No embarrassment. No hesitation. Just a swelling of tingles inside my stomach, butterflies on the wing, electricity arcing out between us.
But he made no move to breach the gap, he just leaned back, breathed deeply, and enjoyed the show.
I slipped into the bath and let the warm water envelope me, the strawberry smelling bubbles floated around my breasts, kissing my skin, clinging where Ryan's eyes clung to.
"Fuck, you're beautiful," he murmured, moving to kneel beside the bath.
"Aren't you getting in?" Amazing how he could get me to live outside of myself, just by being him, just by being near, just by letting me be me. He didn't demand I snap out of it. He didn't tell me not to worry. He didn't try to make me do something I couldn't stomach right now. He never judged. He just watched and waited, waiting for me to come back to him where it was safe and he was my courage, my rudder, guiding me straight through the storm.
"In case you didn't realise this yet," he purred, picking up a sponge and coating it in liquid soap. "I like watching."
"Oh," I said, sinking down into the water, feeling light again, my body floating, my heart lifting off along side it. "I had noticed."
"Mmmm," he murmured. "But, maybe, just a little touch."
His hand snaked out and a hot palm wrapped around my breast, thumb and forefinger rubbing my nipple. One simple touch and I was on fire. All other thoughts but Ryan's hands fled from my mind.
"Look at that," he husked. "Begging for my teeth."
"You'll get wet," I pointed out.