I took a steadying breath in, here was where it got difficult. For me. For Daisy. For the memory of Rick.
"Sometimes things don't go as you plan," I whispered, and felt more than saw Daisy slip off the swing and come towards me.
I looked up and there she was, an adult's gaze staring out of a child's innocent face.
"Bad things happened, didn't they, Mummy?" She crawled onto my lap, no doubt needing the comfort of touch.
"You are so clever, Daisy-girl," I whispered into her hair. "I'm so proud of the young lady you are becoming."
"He's dead," she said, snuggling in further.
"Yes," I agreed, voice slightly broken. "I'm so sorry, baby. He'd want to be here for you growing up, but Rick, well, he couldn't stop chasing his dreams."
I gave her a kiss on the head, inhaled the shampoo we'd used on her hair the night before, and held her tight.
"A bad man killed him, and that bad man is trying to stop me from telling the world that I know."
Oh dear God, was I doing the right thing? She's only five years old. But kids see things, we think they don't. And if I did this, I wanted her to hear at least some of the... sordid details from me. I am her mother. It would be me who prepared her for what could possibly come.
"I love you so much, Daisy. You are my world, you know that, right?"
"Yep," she whispered.
"If I thought running from this bad man would work, I'd do it. I'd pack our bags and we'd run. But you know what I've discovered?"
"What?" Still one word answers, she was frightened and I was causing this fear.
I swallowed thickly, but pressed on. "I trust our new friends. I trust Detective Pierce. I trust Abi and Ben. And Genevieve and Nick. Adam and Kelly and Eva. I trust them all to keep you safe, even if there comes a time when I may not be able to."
"Mummy?" She swung her head towards me, fear and angst darkening her face and slicing through my heart. "Don't go," she begged, throwing her arms around my neck, burying her face in the crook of my neck.
Oh, hell, this was pure torture. This was insanely wrong. I'd made a mistake, I shouldn't have said anything. I can't do this to my baby girl. I can't sacrifice myself, cost Daisy her mother, I just can't.
But if I don't do this, what am I teaching my daughter?
I started crying along with her, so unsure if this was the correct thing to do, but so certain that one day I'd regret not doing the right thing in the end. One day she'd find out the truth, maybe from someone other than me, and how would she look at her mother then? Knowing I hid, I let a man get away with murdering her father, when I had the means to stop him and those he worked with. The means to do what was right.
I clung to her as she clung to me, rocking back and forth in the middle of a backyard. And even though my thoughts made sense, and were the only correct thing to do, I rebelled against them. This was my daughter. My baby. Mine. I could never let her go.
Strong arms suddenly wrapped around us, the brush of hot lips and tickle of a goatee beard across my cheek. The gentle murmur of Pierce's words as they caressed my heart and settled Daisy's whimper.
"I'll make sure your Mummy is safe, Daisy-girl," he said, and I watched as her tear-filled eyes lifted up to his face. A sense of wonder crossed her features when she looked up at the man who still held us both in his arms. "I won't let anything bad happen to her, I swear." Oh God, another promise that should never be made. "But she has to do this," he added and I sucked in a breath, surprised he actually understood. "It's the right thing to do, Daisy, and you want your Mummy to make you proud, don't you? Just like she's so very proud of you."
Daisy nodded, flicked her gaze between the two of us and then sniffed loudly, managing to wipe a hideous amount of snot on her sleeve at the same time. I forced myself not to cringe, not to reach for her sleeve and immediately clean it. Now was not the time to let my aversion to snot take over.
But I did make sure that sleeve didn't come in contact with my skin.
"You promise?" she asked Pierce, crossing her arms over her chest and holding his gaze.
"Daisy," I warned, about to explain how Ryan couldn't make such vows.
"I promise," Pierce said, squeezing the arm that was snaked around my back to let me know he had this, and I was not to interrupt at all.
"I know you got to do the right thing, Mummy," Daisy said softly, still eyeing Pierce with an expression I hadn't seen on her face before. It looked to be half awe, half determination. And maybe another half of child-like love.
I was so very proud of her right then, though. I smiled and leaned forward to give her a kiss and a cuddle, completely forgetting about the snot covered sleeve.