And all he'd ever get from me.
Chapter 13
I Like You Just The Way You Are
I sat on the swing, under the flowering Cherry Tree, and tried to still my breathing. Unclench my fists. Slow my heart.
I was so fucking incensed.
But what had I expected? He'd even warned me.
"This is what I do, Marie. This is my job."
I took a shuddering deep breath in, and then another. And another. Until I was finally able to see a few feet in front of me, instead of the haze of red that had coated my vision just now.
Standing there, arms crossed over black t-shirt, was Ben.
I huffed out a semi-snort of surprise. I'd expected one of the women, if not all of them. I'd even contemplated Pierce following me out here to offer up excuses or just tell me how it is in the big, bad world of Detective Pierce.
But Ben?
That just took all the wind right out of my sails.
"I'd offer you a seat, but there's only one swing," I said with a small, embarrassed smile. He'd had to intervene before I assaulted a cop, after all.
"I'm good," he replied. "Are you?"
"What do you think?"
He grunted, and stared off into the distance.
"Is it safe out here?" I asked, not entirely sure if I cared right then.
"Yeah. ASI is monitoring, and Koki and Brook are on perimeter checks."
I shook my head. Pierce was putting a lot into keeping me and my daughter safe.
That fucking ledger. He didn't even know what I had, but he sure as hell wanted it too.
Ben remained silent. Just stood there. Like a sentry or personal guard. But I didn't get the feeling he was here to guard me. I think he was here in support. Silent support, but support anyway.
I swung the seat of the swing slowly and took a good look at him. He had a bandage on the side and back of his head, some shadows beneath his eyes, but otherwise he looked OK. I bet he had a headache. I did and I hadn't even been knocked on the head. Or had I?
I reached up absently and ran fingers through my hair, against my scalp. There were a few raised nicks, probably from the glass shattering, but no sore spots that I could detect.
"The docs reckoned your brain was bruised from the sudden deceleration of the car," Ben offered, eyes still on the horizon, but clearly having seen my self assessment. "And then the lateral movement as the vehicle rolled compounded the concussion. No fractured skull, all internal damage, but minor. Good to see you up and about," he finished.
"Good to see you up and about, too," I supplied, and meant it.
He shrugged. "I was only out for twenty or so minutes. Long enough for you guys to cause mayhem on Auckland city streets. It was all over by the time Jason woke me up."
"Twenty minutes," I said absently. "It felt much longer."
"It always does."
Silence hung like thick fog between us. He didn’t look at me, and I didn't look at him. We might as well have been mired in haze; only two feet apart and we couldn't see the other.
"I'm sorry," I finally said, finding the courage to say what I'd wanted to say from the moment I'd heard that he was hurt.
"It's my job," he said, and I think it was automatic to say it, but it fired up that anger inside my stomach all over again.
"No it's not," I argued, stopping the swing with my feet thumping onto solid ground. "That's not part of the job. Being hurt, possibly killed. You don't go to work and think, OK I might die today, but I'm going anyway. You go thinking you'll be all right, you'll live to see another day, despite what might be thrown at you. Otherwise how do you get out of bed?"
Ben was looking at me now, staring right into my eyes. His arms were still crossed over his chest, making the Tiki tattoo poking out from under his sleeve, seem bigger than usual. Uglier than usual. Fiercer than usual. Just like the man.
"What do think Pierce thinks when he goes to work each day?" he asked, stunning the ever loving crap out of me. How had we segued to Pierce?
"I have no idea," I shot back, the first thing to come to my mind.
"Do you think," Ben asked, "that he says to himself, I'll use someone to get what I need on this criminal I'm investigating, hurt them in the process, just so I can close my case?"
My jaw clicked, from where I was gritting my teeth so firmly.
"Nah," Ben offered. "The prick is focused, I'll give him that. But in all honesty, I don't think he plans it. I think it just happens."
"You mean right circumstance, right time?" I asked, a note of derision in my tone.
"I mean," Ben said steadily, "he has a job to do, people to protect, and sometimes he has to make a bad call, to get the right outcome. Sometimes he has do things he doesn't want to do, to save more than just one person in the end."