“Nothing good comes from anger,” he said. “Trust me. It’ll keep you from thinking clearly. I know you don’t want that. Don’t lose hope. Remember, hell is only a holding place. You’ll get your shot at judgment. We can’t know everything about the ultimate plan. It’d be like trying to teach infants quantum physics.”
I rubbed my face, trying to nod and swallow the sob in my chest. I didn’t want to go to hell. There was nothing more petrifying than the idea of a place absent of love.
“Two minutes!” hollered a guard by the door. “Wrap it up and say your good-byes, folks.”
We both stood. I came around the table and went into his thick, solid arms. He smelled like soap. It was surreal to be hugged by him, but so right. He kissed the top of my head.
“I love you, Dad.”
“You don’t know how good those words sound to me. I’ve loved you every day of your life. Thank you for coming to me. I’m proud of you.”
He pulled away and lifted my chin to make me look at him.
“Remember everything I told you, got that?”
I nodded.
“And tell the Rowe boy to keep his paws off my little girl, ’cause I’ll be out soon to take care of him if he doesn’t.”
“Daaaad.”
Embarrassing.
A whistle blew and we pulled away from each other. Everyone was standing, hugging, and walking to the doors. My stomach tightened.
“Please be careful,” he urged.
“I’ll see you soon?”
“You bet.” He kissed my forehead and I grudgingly joined the other visitors leaving.
At the door I turned back. He was still watching me, tall and stoic. My whole life I’d fooled myself into thinking I didn’t need his love, but I’d been wrong. Everyone needed their father’s love.
A freshly shaved Kaidan leaned against his shiny black SUV with his arms crossed in the bright California sunshine. He stood up and took off his sunglasses when he saw me. I couldn’t look at him. I walked past and opened the door, climbing in.
He didn’t ask any questions. He just got in and drove, keeping his eyes on the road. When we’d driven five miles from the prison, I hid my face in my hands and let loose every tear I had in me.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
FIRST SACRIFICE
Across from the hotel was a tiny Laundromat with five washers and five dryers run by coin slots. I spent the afternoon doing laundry while Kaidan went to the hotel’s gym. He’d given me his phone in case the convent called. I sat alone in a small chair, thinking, while the dryer ran.
I’d asked Kaidan if he’d been listening to our conversation while he waited at the prison. He admitted that when he returned that afternoon, he listened for a moment to make sure I was okay, but that was it, and I believed him.
I told him every detail of what my father said. He had been a quiet listener, not saying much. Not even I told you so about the final part.
The clothes were finally dry, so I stood there pulling them out one at a time, folding them.
I jumped and let out an embarrassing squeak when two hands came around my waist.
“Just me, luv,” he said, close to my ear. “Aren’t you the picture of domestication? Do you cook as well?”
I put both hands on the edge of the dryer to steady myself. The machine was still hot.
“Kai,” I said. I could feel his nose and mouth move over my hair. Why was he doing this to me? Telling me not to romanticize him, and then nuzzling me from behind? “You shouldn’t...”
My knees were shaking. I was so confused. What I really wanted to do was close my eyes and lean back into him, pretending for just a moment that we were together. But I pressed on from a place inside of me that was stronger than my body. I couldn’t be one of his momentary girls.
“Unless you’re going to be my boyfriend, you shouldn’t touch me like this.”
He did not pull away, repulsed, as I had expected. Instead, he spoke into my hair.
“The Neph are not permitted to be in relationships, especially not with one another.”
“Nobody has to know,” I said into the air, closing my eyes. “Just us.”
“It can never happen.” His rejection was gentle, but firm.
Again, from the place of strength, I found myself taking his hands, untwining them from around my waist, and moving them away from me. A second later he was gone. Hot and then cold, over and over.
It can never happen. I had to lean on the dryer now, breathing deeply, feeling the heat. For once my eyes stayed dry.
I had known in my heart there was no chance. Of course there wasn’t. He hadn’t said he did not want to be with me, only that it wasn’t allowed. I tried to cling to that, but I knew I shouldn’t. Whatever the reason, there would never be an “us,” not even in secret, certainly not exclusive, and the sooner I got my head wrapped around that fact, the better.