I turned, looking for Kaidan. I had to say good-bye. My dad shook his head. In the madness I made eye contact with Kopano, whose worried eyes tore at me.
My father continued to shove me from behind, up the narrow stairs and down the darkened hall, shoulder-to-shoulder with other Neph. I kept turning, trying to peer around my dad’s solid body, frantic for a glimpse of Kai.
And there he was, also attempting to push through the people. I reached my arm back, feeling my dad’s hands firm around my waist. Kaidan’s warm fingers locked around mine, and our gazes held. In those blue eyes was a shattered look that made my soul ache.
“Enough!” my father scolded gruffly, pulling me and breaking my connection to Kai. I screamed out. We burst into the frozen night, where my father hailed a waiting cab, opening the door and flinging me inside. He gave directions to the cabdriver.
“Straight to the hotel,” my dad said to me, throwing cash on my lap. “I’ll deal with you later.”
He slammed the door shut.
“What’s going on at that club?” the cabbie asked as he laid on the gas pedal. “There a fire in there or something?”
I couldn’t answer. I spun around in the seat, staring at Kaidan on the edge of the sidewalk, hands on his head, air condensing like smoke from his lips, watching me leave.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
UNDERNEATH
Going back to school after that weekend was surreal. I tried to focus on Jay and Roni, who were both hurting. They weren’t talking at the moment, despite Jay’s efforts to apologize. The depth of their sadness only gave me more hope for their possible future. It was clear how much they cared for each other.
I kept thinking about how the angel said I would be a test for many souls. Maybe he was bluffing Rahab. Could angels bluff? No matter what he said, there was no way I’d do the work of my father. I would rather die.
Marna had come to me bearing bad news the day after the summit. Kaidan was moving to L.A. right away, and the band would soon follow. I’d been given instructions not to call. He’d left without saying good-bye. Knowing he lived so close had been my security blanket, and now he was gone.
Marna revealed another piece of information about the night of the summit. Kaidan had hidden a knife in the sole of his boot, which would explain the one he held when he’d stood, ready to fight for me. Fortunately nobody had noticed, because the light had been the room’s focus.
It was better this way, I told myself. Safer. I repeated it to myself like a mantra.
I checked the mail and took it up to the apartment when I got home from school. Patti wasn’t home from work yet.
I almost threw the small postcard away with the rest of the junk mail, but the Arizona postmark caught my attention.
It was hard to say how long I stared at that postcard, overwhelmed, before I grabbed my keys. I ran out of the apartment, in a hurry to drive and get my bearings. It didn’t matter where. I just needed to be on the open road.
Halfway to Atlanta I ended up at the top of Lookout Point. Since it was the middle of the day, I was the only one up there. I felt the rush of being somewhere otherwise forbidden, and staring out at the great expanse, I understood why I’d been drawn to that particular place.
I cut the car off and sat there looking at the postcard in my lap. On the front was a picture of the Grand Canyon. Though it was a beautiful scene, I knew the picture could not do it justice. I flipped the postcard over and read the tiny, boxy scratch of male handwriting next to my name and address.
I’m sorry.
That was all it said. But those two words spoke many things to me. Sorrow and regret. Heartache and lost opportunity. And ultimately, sacrifice.
I tried to imagine Kaidan driving a moving van with all his stuff, making a detour and standing at the edge of the enormous abyss. How small he must have felt. Did he realize, as I did now, that it was all so much bigger than us?
I climbed out of the car, clutching the postcard in my hand and bracing myself against the chilly wind of the higher altitude. Walking to the roped edge, I looked out at the vastness of the divide. Our own canyon, though not so grand. The valley before me dipped low, and every inch of plant life was covered in a leafy vine, like a rain forest jungle. Kudzu: the vine that ate the South. I’d always thought it was beautiful, in a wild sort of way, but not today. Today I felt bad for the trees that suffocated underneath.
I pulled out my cell phone, scrolled down, and dialed before I had time to change my mind. I didn’t know what I’d say or what I wanted to hear him say. I didn’t even care if we said nothing, and simply shared silent airtime. Maybe I could bask in the sound of his voice mail one last time....
“The number you dialed has been disconnected....”