I had no clue which way my friends had gone.
“Wait,” Kaidan called from behind me. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second, but kept walking. Then I felt his hand around my wrist, spinning me in a half circle and pulling me to his chest. His face was so close. He reached down and cupped my face with one woolly hand, and wiped the top corner of my lip hard with his thumb. I flinched back.
“What are you doing?”
“I...” He appeared to have no idea himself. “I wanted to see your freckle.”
A vulnerable tenderness flashed across his face, more painful to see than the coldness. It took every ounce of strength I had not to beg for one last kiss. As fast as his expression had softened, it was back to stone again.
“What do you want from me, Kai?”
“For starters?” His voice lowered to sexy, dangerous depths. “I want to introduce myself to every freckle on your body.”
A powerful shiver ripped through me.
“So, just something physical, then?” I clarified. “That’s all you want?”
“Tell me you hate me,” he demanded. I felt the air of his words against my face.
“But I don’t hate you. I couldn’t.”
“You could,” he assured me, pulling me tighter. “And you should.”
“I’m letting you go.” My voice shook. “But only because I have to. I need to move on with my life, but I’ll never hate you.”
“The one who got away,” Kaidan murmured.
“Nobody got away,” I corrected him. “And so help me, if you start comparing us to an unfinished game that went into overtime—”
He released me and I stumbled back a step. I had to get away before I started clinging and begging him to admit his feelings, whatever they might have been. It was necessary to rip off this Band-Aid, and fast. So, as I’d done at the airport, I walked away from him, dragging my heart behind me. I didn’t look back. Game over.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
HOLIDAY CHEERLESSNESS
I’d seen people with depression. I’d been bowled over by the hopelessness that sank the air around them. Murky storm clouds as heavy as sandbags.
I carried around a gloomy cloud of my own after Halloween. It was far worse than when I’d returned from California. Each day I tried to rein it in, reminding myself there was always hope. Hope for the earth, hope for humanity. Just not hope for Kaidan and me.
I dealt with the pain by shutting down. The more time asleep, the better. I missed school a few times, just to lie in bed. Failed a major test. Lost weight. But I knew time would heal the ache, and everything would be okay. I could move on. I would come back to life. Eventually. But not yet.
Patti made my favorite things on Thanksgiving: sweet potatoes with marshmallows, corn pudding, key lime pie. I knew the spectacular spread was meant to lure me out of my hole. It was just the two of us. On past Thanksgiving mornings we’d worked the food bank, and then celebrated dinner with Patti’s church friends, but we couldn’t be caught doing those things now.
Patti chattered away about nothing, placing a heaping plate in front of me. She tried to fake it, but she wasn’t happy these days either. I watched her cut a slice of turkey and take a bite.
“Anna, please eat.”
“I’m not very hungry.”
“That’s because your stomach’s wilted away to nothing.”
I busied my mouth by taking a sip of water.
“That’s it.” Patti threw her napkin on the table. “I’m calling Kaidan. I know this has something to do with him.”
Her words poked me to life. “No!”
“Then I need you to pull yourself out of this,” she said. “It’s gone on long enough. For goodness’ sake, Anna! If I thought medication would work for you, I’d have taken you to the doctor already. You can’t give up. You have to continue putting effort into everything, especially school.”
“School is...” I couldn’t even form a coherent sentence.
“School is still important,” Patti insisted. “And so are you. There’s no floating through life; you have to stay alert. Your life has a purpose. Whether you’re called on to fulfill that purpose today or when you’re a hundred, you’ve got to be a productive part of society between now and then! Do you think I’m going to let you lie in bed for the next however many years?”
I shook my head. She was right. I had needed the past month to mourn, but it was time to try to get back to my life.
I eyed my plate and took a small, tentative bite of sweet potatoes. Flavors and scents brought back strong memories. The rich sweetness filled me with a longing for the love and comfort of my childhood. When I looked up at Patti, tears were leaving warm trails down my face.