I glance at her as I slide behind the steering wheel. “Are you okay?”
“Mmmhmm.” She nods her head. “Can we go?” Her voice is strained. Bloody woman. She is so stubborn, it’s ridiculous.
The next two weeks are a combination of trips to the hospital, physiotherapy sessions and visits from Carol, the nurse I hired. Lilly has technically moved into my house now. I had movers pack up her room and bring everything over here, while she was still in the hospital.
Aside from Lilly’s physical state, things have been great. I love having her in my house. I love that my house is now our house.
Lilly gets better and better. She still needs more surgery on her ankle. I’m worried that she might end up with a permanent limp. I’ve organised for her to see a top orthopaedic surgeon. I want to get her the best possible treatment. Of course she kicks up a fuss, saying that Dr Ryker is more than capable. I know exactly why she’s so fond of Dr. Ryker. Apparently she’s been playing match maker, and trying to get Molly to date him. Needless to say, she’s bored.
It’s a Saturday night, and I’m sat on the sofa with Lilly’s casted leg in my lap. She has a cushion on her lap and she’s painting her nails.
“Please paint my toes.” She pouts. “I can’t reach.”
I cock an eyebrow. “There are very few things I would not do for you, this is one of them.”
“But they look awful.” She moans.
“Babe, get Molly to do it, this is girl shit.”
“It’s not hard…” She whines.
“No, and neither will I be, ever again if you insist on cutting my nuts off. No.”
Her lips twitch as she huffs a sigh. “Fine.”
I smile at her sulky face. She carries on painting her nails, her attention fixed on the task at hand. I grasp her calf, rubbing the muscle firmly. She groans a little and flicks her eyes up to mine.
“Why do you have to be so good at that?” She sighs.
I chuckle. She won’t take it easy, which means that she insists on hopping around here, there and everywhere. Then she wonders why her good leg gets tired, not to mention the blisters on her hands from using the crutches all the time.
She screws the lid back on her nail varnish, and rests her cheek against the back of the sofa. The crackling of the fire is the only sound in the room.
Just when I think she’s fallen asleep, she speaks. “Theo, I’m worried about you.” She says quietly.
I frown. “Why?”
She takes a deep breath. “I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it…” Oh here we go. “But, you haven’t said a word about Cassie or the baby since it happened.”
My fingers still. “It’s in the past. What’s the point in talking about it?”
“It was six weeks ago. You went from having a child to having nothing. It’s okay to feel that.” Her voice is soft.
I meet her sad eyes. “Lilly, I almost had nothing, because I almost lost you. You died…and, as cold as it may sound…I would have traded anything to save you.”
“But…”
“I didn’t want that baby in the first place.” I tell her. “Do I feel guilty…yes, of course I do. I could have done more, I know that. If I had been more supportive, then maybe she wouldn’t have lost her shit. Maybe one or both of them would still be here.” I shrug. “I can’t change it though.” I reach out and brush the back of her hand. “I can only make you happy.”
“You’re wrong…” She breathes. “You couldn’t have changed it.” She sighs. “When she was in that car, the things she was saying…she didn’t lose it because you wouldn’t help her, Theo. She lost it because you didn’t love her, and you were never going to. That baby was just a way to get to you.” She says. “It doesn’t mean that you aren’t supposed to feel something though.”
I do feel something. I feel guilty and resentful because an innocent child died, because Cassie needed to shove some shit up her nose. I do feel a loss. I feel the loss of what could have been, but at the same time, that was a dream, founded in an attempt to make the best of a bad situation. Lilly struggles with Cassie’s death, I know she does. She grieves for Cassie, grieves for her baby. Lilly didn’t have to sit in a hospital waiting room, while the person she loved was resuscitated. Nothing can compare to that. I can’t grieve for that baby, or for Cassie, because Lilly survived.
“There is nothing left to feel Lilly. It’s done. You are alive, and for that I am eternally grateful.” I squeeze her calf. “I nearly lost you. The rest just feels inconsequential.” I shrug.