“You might as well come up babe. Hugo tends to chat.” I tell Lilly. Hugo always has gossip, which he insists on telling me whether I want to hear it or not. By that, I mean he likes to list this weeks conquests, including a blow by blow of exactly what rating he would give them.
Lilly begrudgingly comes with me. I take my key out of my pocket. “Wait, aren’t you going to knock?” She hisses.
“No. Trust me, when it comes to Hugo it’s pointless. The important people have keys. That would be me and there was a girl called Tiffany who had one for a while.”
“Wait. Hugo gave his key to a girl?!” Well, when she says it like that it sounds ridiculous.
I laugh. “She was his favourite hooker.”
She rolls her eyes. “Figures.” She mumbles.
I push the key into the lock and pause. “Two things. Firstly, don’t be alarmed by what you may see in here. It’s a Sunday, it will be rough. Secondly, don’t bring up the Molly thing…please?” I eye her seriously.
“Believe me, the last thing I want to talk to Hugo about, is how he used my best friend as a human deposit box.” She grumbles.
I cough to cover my laughter. “Yep, that would do it. Thirdly, Hugo has a no clothes rule in his house.” She cocks an eyebrow. “Lets remind ourselves that the women who come here are…easy.”
She snorts. “You think.”
“Anyway, Hugo might be naked. There is no point in telling him to get dressed because he won’t. Show no fear.” I grasp her shoulder, attempting to keep a straight face.
“I think I might hurl.” She says. “In fact, why don’t I just wait in the car after all?”
I laugh. “Nope, I have some business stuff I need to talk to him about. I’m not leaving you in the car.”
“You’d rather I become scarred by Hugo’s wang?”
I fight the smile trying desperately to pull at my lips. “Hey, he’s entertaining if nothing else.”
She sighs. “Okay.”
I turn the key and cringe at what may be lurking behind the door. Okay, no bodies in the hallway. I turn the corner into the front room. It’s clean, there are no piles of vomit in the corner, no underwear hanging from the fixtures.
“Ah, hey dude.” Hugo calls from the sofa. He’s led on his back, wearing just his boxers, reading…is that a girly magazine? In between his knees is Gary, on his back, snoring like a bloody chainsaw. His back legs are splayed out and his monumentally big balls are in full view.
“Ah, he’s so cute.” Lilly coo’s at the dog.
Hugo lowers the magazine and grins. “Thanks sweetness, you can pet me if you like.” He thrusts his crotch upwards.
“Uh, I’d rather pour bleach in my eyes, but thanks.” She replies.
She perches on the end of the sofa and Gary drags his fat lazy arse over to her. She rubs under his upturned chin and the fucker laps it up. He grunts and rolls over, dragging himself onto her lap. Fuck, that dog is ugly. Son of a bitch looks at me with a smug as shit expression on his face as Lilly hugs him. He’s practically getting to motorboat her.
I turn back to Hugo who shrugs. “Gary’s got skills. Ladies fucking love him.
“Why? He’s gross.”
“Oh, you are not. You’re just a bit ugly.” Lilly defends him. The dog starts panting like some dirty old man. “Babe, you should know that the reason he has that dog is because his mate’s missus couldn’t cope with him dribbling everywhere.”
“It’s just a bit of spit, isn’t it?” She’s talking to the dog. What, am I suddenly invisible?
I smile. “It wasn’t that kind of dribble.” I raise my eyebrows. She glances up at me. I wait for her to realise what I mean and shove him off but she doesn’t.
“Well, this place is like fucking spunk central. Not like a little extra is going to hurt.” She says bluntly. Hugo barks out a laugh.
“I swear to god dude, if you hadn’t spotted her first…” Hugo smirks.
“Hugo, there is not enough money in the world that could make me get within ten feet of what is in your pants.” She points at the offending area. God, when will she learn that this shit is like foreplay to him? There is nothing she can say that will offend him. The more vile names they call him, the more he likes it. He’s a sick fucker.
He grabs his crotch, through his very thin boxers. “Everyone wants a ride on my trouser snake. Rambo’s a wild stallion.” He wiggles his eyebrows.
“I’m surprised it hasn’t dropped off.” She mumbles.
“Fuck, so am I.” He replies with a shrug.