Cassie gets up and moves to a sofa near the window. Lilly pulls a couple of chairs over and we both sit facing her.
“I hear you’re being released tomorrow.” Lilly beams at her. Cassie’s eyes never move from me, even as Lilly talks to her. I shift, laying my arm across the back of Lilly’s chair, my fingers just grazing her arm. Her eyes zero in on the movement.
She eventually nods. “Yeah, I’m going to a safe house, where I can be independent, but have support.”
“That’s great.” Lilly encourages. I glance sideways at her. I swear I’ve never heard her use that tone of voice, ever. “You guys need to discuss what’s going to happen now…”
I say nothing and she elbows me in the ribs. I clear my throat. “Uh, yeah.” Lilly releases an exasperated sigh next to me.
“Maybe I should leave…” She says. I grab her shoulder, pinning her in her chair.
“No, you should stay.” Her eyes meet mine quickly as I try to silently beg her not to leave me.
She rolls her eyes. “You need help Cassie, and Theo is willing to provide that, aren’t you Theo?”
I nod. “Whatever you need. You can use my doctors, and I have a spare flat near where Lilly lives. I’ve already issued the tenants with their notice. They’ll be out by the end of the month.” Lilly and I discussed this earlier, and as you can imagine, these are all her suggestions. She thinks that Cassie would be better off with her near by. I hate that she is friendly with Cassie, only because I worry that it’s difficult for her, in fact I know it’s difficult for her. Our lives are hardly straight forward, but the way that I feel about Lilly is like some bullshit story out of a book. Somehow, amongst all the shit, we have perfection…except for Cassie. She’s like a stain on this chaotic perfection that we’ve created, and I resent her for that. I will admit that. She is an inconvenience to my life. Equally, she was a mistake that I made, and now have to deal with, for the rest of my life. In that sense, I am so grateful to Lilly. Her willingness to help Cassie just shows what an amazing person she is, and this makes me feel even more guilt for causing her any hurt.
Cassie avoids eye contact with either of us. “Thank you. Could you please leave now.” She whispers.
I glance at Lilly who looks hurt by Cassie’s words. “Cassie, Lilly is just trying…” Lilly puts her hand over mine, which is still resting on her shoulder. She glances at me and shakes her head.
“Okay, well I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll come and pick you up okay.” Lilly says in that soothing voice of hers. I have a fraction of her patience, and a bitterness toward Cassie that I can’t seem to shift.
Lilly is concerned about my attitude toward the child. I have no issue having a child. In fact, in a strange way, I’ve become quite fond of the idea. It’s just Cassie I have a problem with. If I can get custody of the baby, then Cassie need never be in our lives. Lilly will be ten times the mother that Cassie could ever hope to be. We can have our twisted version of perfection.
We walk to the car in silence. Lilly squeezes my hand, clearly sensing how uncomfortable I am right now. What the fuck is going on? My girlfriend is more okay with my knocked-up one night stand than I am.
“I’m sorry.” I tell her when we get in the car.
She tilts her head to the side with a small quirk of her lips. “What for?”
I release a breath and lean my head back against the head rest. I grip the steering wheel tight. “I just can’t deal with her, Lilly.”
There’s a long beat of silence before she responds. “She’s having your child, Theo, you have to deal with her.”
I shake my head. “I can’t watch you deal with her. It kills me to know what it must do to you. I just…”
She reaches out and touches my arm, drawing my eyes to her. She has a soft smile on her lips. “It does nothing to me, Theo. Honestly. I know beyond all doubt how much you love me. I know that what happened with Cassie was a drunken fumble.” She sighs, and her smiles fades. “And I know that I can never give you a child. You need to embrace this opportunity, because if you stay with me, then you will never get it again.”
“Lilly, never say never. Remember, there is nothing I would not do to make you happy. No amount of money I wouldn’t spend. If you wanted a child, I would make it happen.”
“I know.” She whispers. “But, that doesn’t mean you can walk away from this child.”
I shake my head. “I would never leave my child, you know that. It’s not the baby I have issues with, it’s Cassie.”