I’m going to make her believe that she killed him.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
LILLY
“Lilly, it has been three days.” Harry tells me for what feels like the thousandth bloody time. I know he means well, but it’s just not helpful right now.
“I have told you, Harry, we will give him a chance.”
“Lilly, I know he wants to play hero, but it will be you and I who suffer when he fucks up.”
“He won’t fuck up.” I snap.
He slams his palms down on the breakfast bar. “For one fucking second, will you pull your head out of your loved up arse and see the writing on the fucking wall!” He shouts. What the hell?! Harry has never spoken to me like that, ever.
“I am! I see that if we run now, we will always be running Harry. I have finally found something and someone worth standing still for, please don’t begrudge me that.”
He presses his lips together. “I don’t want to Lilly, but you have to realise that some people, they don’t get to stand still. Life dealt us a shit hand, and now we have to deal with it. Marriage, kids, stable lives, that’s not something we can have. Maybe one day, but not right now. We’ve had it pretty good for the last few years, but we always knew it might catch up to us one day.” He says softly. “Theo, he loves you. I have no doubt about that. He will never understand this though. He lives a privileged life. We live a dangerous one. I don’t say this to be cruel. I say it because I love you and I want you to be safe.”
“I know.” I whisper. Is he right? Am I living in a dream? To live a life with Theo, that’s surely a fantasy right? Fuck. Am I doing the right thing trusting him? Maybe Harry’s right, maybe Theo can never comprehend what it is to live with these sorts of demons constantly chasing you. I think that’s what I like about him though. He has this care free air around him all the time. His world is untouched by ugliness, and it’s very much what he makes it. When I’m with him, he pulls me into his world. He makes me feel protected, loved, safe. Am I blinded by that, by his love? Perhaps Harry is right, and safety is not a luxury that I get. Fuck, I don’t know. My mind is a jumble of random thoughts, each one conflicting with the last. I’m just praying that Theo can make this right. I really want to believe that he can, because if he doesn’t, then I have a horrible decision to make. Stay or go. Do I take the ultimate gamble and risk everything for the possibility of happiness, for love? We have the kind of love that some people search their whole lives for and never find, but I risk going to prison in an attempt to try and keep it. Or I can run, and settle for a life of freedom, but without that love. Fuck, I can’t make these kinds of decisions. There’s just too much hanging in the balance, and too many potential regrets.
I know Theo said he would run with me, but it’s ridiculous, a romantic but stupid idea. He has too much here to leave behind, and I will not let him leave that baby here with Cassie for a mother. He seems to think that all he needs in life is me, but that’s because he’s never had to live without everything he has. Life on the run is hard. You have to change your name, be careful who you speak to. Even simple things like opening a bank account are difficult. Honestly, I don’t think he has it in him, and I worry that he would resent me for it in the long run.
I can only hope that he manages to pull it out of the bag. Funny how a couple of weeks ago, I wished more than anything that I had never met Theodore Ellis. Him having a baby with someone else seemed so catastrophic, and yet now it pales into insignificance. Now, I would give anything for Cassie to be our only problem.
“Look, I’m not trying to force your hand, but I’ve always done what’s best for you haven’t I?” Harry’s emerald eyes plead with me. I nod. He has always done what’s best, and until now it’s allowed us to live relatively normal lives. I won’t pretend I haven’t spent the last few years looking over my shoulder, because I have. I have also managed to become a solicitor and make something of myself, and given the circumstances, that’s pretty bloody amazing. “I have booked a flight for tomorrow evening to Norway.”
“Norway? Why Norway?”
He shrugs. “A friend of mine owns a cabin out there.” Of course he would want to go to some cabin in the middle of bloody nowhere. Harry is always prepared to run. When you’ve helped kill someone, you tend to be cautious. He has money stashed in bank accounts all over the world. Not Theo kind of money, but enough for us to lay low for a few months before finding somewhere to rebuild our lives. He’s right. We have been lucky up until now.