I smack his arm. “My boyfriend.” I point out.
“Pft, yeah yeah. Lucky bitch.” He grumbles.
Harry manages to extricate himself from Molly long enough to give George one of those man, back slap hugs that they do. “I hear the food in prison is shit.” George says with a grin on his face.
“Eh, I’ve had worse.” Harry laughs.
“I ordered Pizza, and I have beer.”
“Oh, thank fuck.” Harry laughs. “Honestly, it’s like school dinners in there.”
I smile with him, but all I can think is that if I can’t fix this, then poor Harry is going to have bigger problems than shitty food.
We hang out, we eat pizza, we drink, we talk, and it’s almost as if nothing happened. Harry is his typical self, putting a brave face on and ensuring that I’m alright. It’s so programmed into him to protect me that he does it even when he can’t protect himself.
I was thinking about going to Theo’s tonight. I feel out on a limb. I feel like for once, I need to be strong for Harry, but I just don’t have it in me right now. I need Theo to prop me up, because that’s what he does. I just want him to hold me, because being in his arms makes me feel like the world can’t touch me.
I can’t just bail though. I won’t just run to my safe place. Harry is going to stay here for a couple of days, and then he’s heading back to Bournemouth. I have to go back to work tomorrow, before I lose my job. I’m going to stay at the flat so that I can spend as much time as possible with Harry. I text Theo, explaining that. He texts me back: ‘Take all the time you need. I love you sugar. Xx’.
Harry sleeps on the sofa. I offered my bed but he absolutely refused. Honestly, our sofa is really comfy anyway. I can attest to this, having spent many hung over days on it, sometimes for twenty four hours straight. I curl up in bed on my side, and miss the heat of Theo’s body wrapped around mine as I drift into a restless sleep.
“Shh, Princess, you look ugly when you cry.” He holds his hand over my mouth. I can barely breathe, as the panic constricts my chest. My head starts to swim, and black spots cloud my vision. Yes, pass out, please pass out, I think to myself.
He removes his hand, and I drag a lung full of air in. “Now, you are going to be a good girl. You’re going to shut up and be nice to my friend Dave here.” I glance behind him to see a suit. He has red hair, and pale blue eyes that cut through me. He doesn’t look like a nice man, but then Shaun’s friends never are. Shaun turns and leaves the room. I immediately pull back and curl myself into the corner.
“That’s right, you run.” He groans in a low voice.
“Please don’t hurt me.” I cry.
“It only makes it better when you beg.” He smiles wide and the fear intensifies, clawing at my neck until I can’t move. He grabs my arm roughly and pulls me from my corner. He unbuckles his belt and lowers his fly as I fight to get away from him.
He grabs me by the back of the neck and turns me around, forcing me face down onto the bed. He rips my shorts roughly down my legs and I scream as adrenalin floods my system. My heart hammers in my chest. I gasp for breath, but he pushes my face into the duvet harder, until I can’t breathe. I feel the familiar burning pain of him ramming himself into my body. I scream, and scream.
“Lilly!” I wake up screaming and crying. I shoot bolt upright, ready to fight the unseen demons that haunt me. My whole body is shaking as my pulse thunders in my ears. My skin is slick with sweat, and the sheets are drenched.
A pair of strong arms wrap around me in the darkness. “Theo?” I whisper.
A hand strokes my hair. “Afraid not beautiful, it’s just me.” George says quietly in my ear. He’s holding me tight. I wrap my arms around his broad chest and cling to him. I take deep breathes in and out. No-one can hurt me here.
He keeps stroking my hair until my breathing slows. “Thanks.” I whisper to him.
He pulls back and kisses my forehead. “Anytime.”
I slip out of his grasp and go about my usual post nightmare routine. I strip off and turn my shower to scalding hot. I scrub my skin until it hurts, until I feel like I have scoured the memories from my body, but of course they are always there, just waiting for me to drop my defences. Some things never fade, and no matter how hard you try to move on in life, they are a fundamental part of you.
I step out of the shower and dry myself. I leave the bathroom and go to my chest of drawers. There is a pile of bedding next to my laundry basket. I glance at the bed. There are clean sheets on the bed, and George is under the duvet, one arm thrown across his eyes. I smile. I’m so lucky to have him. His room is next to mine. Whenever he hears me scream, he comes running, and he always stays with me after a nightmare, because he knows I can’t sleep.