The hallway looks relatively clear. There’s a g-string hanging on the chandelier, and an empty bottle of Jack is sitting on the side table. I step into the front room, where the real carnage is. There are one, two, three…six girls passed out in various states of undress. There are three on the sofa, one on the coffee table and two on the floor…and a dog. An enormous, drooling English Bull dog to be exact. That’s new. I feel like I should be checking for pulses, but I don’t really want to touch any of them, they don’t look to be the most hygienic. I know the dog is still alive, because it’s snoring like a fucking chain saw.
I keep going, passing unconscious bodies, empty bottles and clothing as I go. I push open Hugo’s bedroom door. He’s on the bed, passed out, face down… in pussy. Literally. Fucking Hugo.
There are two women and a guy all butt naked and sprawled out on the bed. The dude’s hand is on Hugo’s arse. I know he likes to tag team, but he would not be happy about that shit. I laugh as I move next to the bed. I shove his shoulder. Nothing.
“Hugo.” I shove him again. “Hugo!” He startles awake with a shriek and lifts his head from his pillow of choice. “Wow, so manly.” His eyes squint into focus before he looks down at the pussy two inches from his face. A grin stretches across his face.
“Morning beautiful.” Yep, he’s talking to a pussy. “Now that was a fucking party.” He says glancing around the room. He notices the guys hand on his arse, and leaps up like he’s on fire. “Dude, not cool!” He points at the unconscious man as he stands next to the bed bollock fucking naked. I’m laughing so hard my sides hurt. See, when you need your mind taking off something, you come and see Hugo.
“Not funny. This is your fault.” He scowls at me.
“How the fuck is it my fault you got wasted and blatantly had some weird sex party with a dude?” I snort.
“Because you went and got all fucking hung up on that ginger gash. Now I have no tag team buddy, and I get groped by weirdo’s.” He huffs as he stands there with his hands on his hips, proudly showcasing his morning glory.
“Dude, put some fucking clothes on. I do not need to see your fucking wang.”
He gestures to his dick. “Rambo is a wild animal. He cannot be tamed. He needs relieving.” He points to the pussy he was just having an in depth conversation with. I glance further up the body to see a set of very fake tits. She’s laid on her back and those fuckers are not moving.
“Don’t let me stop you. I’ll just go and find a spot on the sofa next to the pile of pussy while I wait.” I’m actually serious. We’ve done this so many times.
“Or, we could tag team the two of them.” He wiggles his eyebrows and points to the other Barbie wannabe.
“I’m back with Lilly.” I say in a flat voice.
“That fucking woman ruins all my fun. Fine. Give me five minutes.”
I cock an eyebrow. “Really, five minutes?”
“I’m gonna bash one out in her. I’m not making fucking love to her, you pussy whipped bitch.” He rolls his eyes and turns back to the bed. He grabs Ms Silicone and pulls her legs apart. She barely even wakes up. He grabs both her tits and wobbles them. “Time to wake up.” He grins like a fucking sixteen year old as her tits bounce slightly. Okay, I’m leaving. “Stay Theo. See what you’re missing out on with your pussy whipped ways.” He laughs.
“Bag it up.” I say on my way out.
“He can’t be tamed or contained!” He yells. How his dick hasn’t dropped off yet I’ll never know.
Two hours later and the naked bodies have dispersed. Hugo is sat next to me in his boxers, because and I quote; he refuses to wear clothes if he doesn’t have to, and his house is a naked zone. I kid you not; I have actually heard him use that line when he has a party - leave your clothes at the door. The dog is still here, parked on the sofa next to Hugo. Apparently he’s called Gary, and Hugo has adopted him. Gary used to belong to a friend of Hugo’s, but he decided to take a crap in the designer shoe of the guys girlfriend. Oh, and he spunks on everything. Literally. The dog has the biggest fucking balls I’ve ever seen.
“Seriously, how does he not kick himself in the nuts?” I ask.
Hugo shrugs. “He’s mastered the big bollock waddle. You know when you get sweaty balls, and one sticks to your leg…that walk.”
“Dog has issues. Seriously, you need to find him a girl. He’s like, leaking.”
“He’s a fucking stud aren’t you Gaz. Only time he fucking moves is when he smells some flange on the go. Good lad.” He says, patting the dog on the head. Gary, just continues to pant, and dribble…from both ends.