I say nothing for a long time. “How do you manage it?”
“Manage what?” She asks quietly.
“You should be angry, or upset, or…something, over this shit, and yet, you’re the strong one.” She amazes me.
She shrugs. “People make mistakes. We all have our part to play. If I hadn’t run, you may not have slept with her. If you weren’t so bloody charming the first time you slept with her, then she may not have fallen in love with you, and tried to trap you.” She cocks an eyebrow. “Note. Next time, just let her see you’re an arsehole. You don’t need to pretend to be nice to get into a girls pants. You look like that.” She rolls her eyes, a small smile on her lips. “My point is; we all have regrets, but we also have to deal with the consequences of our actions. I take responsibility for that. I help Cassie, because you won’t, but you know as well as I do Theo, that it’s not my place. It’s yours.” I say nothing. How do you force yourself to be okay with something when you really aren’t? Lilly takes my hand. “I’ll help you.” She says that now.
“How are you going to feel about all this when she has that baby Lilly? You’re disturbingly rational now, but you can’t possibly be okay with it. I don’t want to cause you any more pain.”
She sighs. “I can’t say how I will feel, but I will stand by you.”
I lean close to her and stroke my fingertips over the soft skin of her cheek. “I don’t deserve you.” I whisper to her. Right now I’m angry and upset, and I’m pissed that she won’t drop it. I can also see that she’s genuinely trying to help.
She smiles. “More than you know.”
I reach for her and pull her across the sofa until she’s straddling me. “I know.” I whisper. I take her face in my hands and kiss her gently.
“Just, promise me you will try, Theo.” She says quietly. “You were there for me, and although you can’t see it now, this is me doing the same.”
I nod. I’m not ready to discuss this properly. I can’t even explain where I’m at with this. I resent Cassie, and I’m terrified I’m going to resent my own child. Everything feels tainted by this one thing. I’m a selfish bastard. With Lilly by my side, I have the perfect life. Cassie is an imperfection, a dirty smudge on the sparkling veneer. Then there is Lilly. Beautiful, strong, fearless Lilly. She deserves better. She deserves perfect. I don’t want to feel like this, but I do. I can’t help it. Lilly is right. I need to sort my shit out.
“Okay.” I say quietly. This isn’t something that I can talk out. I need to do this on my own.
CHAPTER FIVE
LILLY
Today is the day where Harry will either come home or be charged, and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I wake up ridiculously early. I can’t sleep.
I glance over at Theo’s sleeping form. The duvet is just grazing his hip bones, showcasing that amazing torso of his. The sight sends my heart skittering against my ribcage. His arm is thrown across his eyes, and the ink that decorates his arms and torso stands out stark in the faint morning light. I’m freaking out. Every ingrained instinct in me wants to scream, drink a bottle of vodka and go completely fucking numb. I don’t though, because of Theo. He brings this peace, which is like a drug in itself. I feel a sudden calm control, knowing that he will be there to catch me if or when it all goes to shit. Theodore Ellis may not be most people’s idea of stable, but he’s my rock. He’s always lent me his implacable strength. He keeps me centred. He’s my safe harbour. The knowledge once terrified me, hell it still does, but when you know someone loves you with everything they have, you trust them. I know Theo loves me fiercely, he knows no other way. With him it’s all or nothing. He couldn’t give a fuck about most people, but if he loves, then he loves wholeheartedly. So, I trust him with my heart. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t scare the shit out of me to do so.
He stirs in his sleep and rolls towards me. “Why aren’t you sleeping?” He says groggily, without opening his eyes.
“I can’t. I’m too nervous.” I whisper to him. He reaches out an arm, feeling around until he finds me.
A small frown line appears on his forehead. He still doesn’t open his eyes. “Why are you all the way over there?” He grumbles sleepily, before pulling me to him. He wraps his arms around me tight and tucks my head under his chin. His bare chest is like being pressed up against a radiator. “It will be fine, sugar. I won’t let anything happen to Harry.”