“Oh to be young and wild again.” She laughs, checking her watch. “Shit, I have to go.” She says. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” I wave her off as I stand up, wrapping my scarf around my neck.
She stands and pulls on her coat. “I can’t remember the last time we hung out sober…well, when you were sober.” She laughs.
I narrow my eyes. “Ha fucking ha.”
I drop Molly off at a meeting, not far from the coffee shop. I have to swing by the flat to grab an overnight bag. I shower and change quickly whilst I’m there. I check my watch. It’s still only four o’clock. I‘m not ready to go back to Theo’s yet. I know that we’re going to have to broach what are several big fucking pink elephants. Hanging out with Molly was a welcome reprieve. A moment, where I could pretend that things are normal. But now…as I stand here in my empty flat, it all comes rushing back in again. I need just a little longer, and so I decide to just drive.
I drive for about half an hour, until I eventually find myself parked in front of a modern looking building. The sign reads South View Rehabilitation Facility. I don’t really know why I’m here. I wasn’t even consciously driving here. I think I feel as though I’m freefalling, out of control and scrambling to grasp onto something. In the last week, my world has turned on its axis, and my usual careful control has all gone to shit. Even this thing with Theo, it’s so intense. We’re either on or we’re off. We hate each other or we love each other. There’s no middle ground, no off switch, and I just…I need a moment. I’m scrambling to catch up. My focus is pulled in what feels like a hundred different directions.
I guess I want to see Cassie. In a cruel way, I think it’s refreshing to hang around with someone whose life is more of a mess than mine. I can help Cassie, where I can’t even help myself, and that somehow makes me feel better. I pity her, and even though I fucking hate pity myself, it makes me want to be here for her, even at the risk of stirring some unwelcome feelings.
I’d be lying if I said the baby thing didn’t bother me. I love Theo, in a way that I’ve never loved anyone. I’ve never been the girl that wanted the fairy tale life. Hell, I’d settle for just a little peace and happiness. I accept this, I accept that she will have his child, and I don’t begrudge them for it. I can’t resent Cassie for giving Theo something that I never will. Life is so brutally ironic. I never thought I would find someone who made me want that, and yet when I do, someone else gives him the one thing that I can’t. That’s just the way the chips fell.
I think what makes this harder, is watching Theo shun her. I worry that it’s because of me. What he doesn’t realise is that he’s just making it harder, because I would never forgive myself if I thought he left that child because of me. If I’m honest with myself, I’m scared of what will happen if he won’t step up for that child, because I don’t think I could love a man who could just turn his back on an innocent baby.
Yeah, my head literally feels like it’s ready to explode.
I turn off the engine, open the door and step out onto the tarmac. My heels click rhythmically as I walk across the car park.
I don’t know what I’m going to say to Cassie. I just know that I made a choice, and that choice includes her. Theo can’t face this right now. I have to have faith that he will come around, and I will stand in his stead until he does. I will make sure that baby is okay, even if it’s parents don’t seem to be overly bothered.
The nurse at the reception desk directs me through to a common room. It’s all modern and sleek, with several flat screen TV’s mounted on the walls. Cassie sits in the corner of the room on a big leather chair. She has a book in her hand and her attention is fixed on its pages. The window next to her has the curtains pulled back. The red light of the fading autumn sun washes over her features.
“Hey, Cassie.” I say quietly when I approach her.
She looks surprised before offering me a small smile. “Oh, hi Lilly. What are you doing here?” Guilt niggles at me. I haven’t been to see her since I brought her here over a week ago. I know she has no-one, and I feel awful knowing that she’s been here all alone. I’ve just had too much of my own shit going on.
I take a seat opposite her. She looks good. Well, better. Her skin has more colour, and she’s put on a little weight. “Well, it’s been a week. I wanted to see how you were doing.” I say quietly.
She nods and closes her book. “I’ve been good. I just…this is a safe place for me.”