"I wasn't going to, you know. As soon as I got off the phone with that demon-and let me tell you, that was weird-I was going to head right back, and … I don't know. I don't know what I would have done. I would have stood by you."
"You could have gotten yourself killed."
He shrugged, like that was inconsequential. "I did actually head back, and then … then I saw Dante."
I crossed my arms, still fearful about approaching him, largely because I was afraid I'd throw myself at him. "I knew that's what you'd done. But why? You don't like him. You know what kind of person he is."
Seth nodded. "I don't like him, but … they would have killed him, wouldn't they?"
I thought about Jerome, that cold and barely repressed anger in his eyes. He'd been pissed off, and I knew it must have killed him to not be able to take his wrath out on Grace. There were taboos about directly harming and interfering with mortals, but well, it wasn't unheard of, and there were always loopholes. He would have gotten in less trouble for it than for smiting Grace.
"Well," I said, "let's just say, they would have at least made him suffer considerably."
"I figured. And I couldn't let that happen … not even to him. What he did was wrong-it seriously messed things up for you and put you at risk. But in some bizarre, crazy way, he did it because he loved you. And I'm not sure someone should be tortured for that. And … " Seth studied me carefully. "I had a feeling you wouldn't have wanted that."
He was right. No matter how much I'd been hurt, despite the betrayal … I had cared about Dante. I still did a little. "God, I have to stop getting involved with unstable men. Where is he now?"
"I dropped him off at his place. He started coming around and was able to walk and everything."
"If he has any sense, he'll be long gone. I think Jerome'll have a long memory."
"And, so … things are back to normal?"
I took awhile to answer. "Yeah. I'm back in full succubus glory."
He turned away and began pacing. "I knew it would happen … knew this was coming, and yet … I kept pretending it wouldn't."
"Me too. I think somewhere in my head, I had this fantasy that I could find Jerome and still be with you."
Seth stopped and looked at me. "We still can be. I meant what I said … that I would try again … "
I met his gaze levelly. "What about Maddie?"
"I … I would end it with her … "
"Do you love her?" My words were blunt. I think I caught him by surprise.
"Yes … but it's different. Different from the way I love you."
"It doesn't matter," I said. "You and I can't be together. If you have a chance to be happy, then you need to take it. We can't do this to her again. It's wrong. She doesn't deserve it."
"I told you I'd end things with her first if we were getting back together. I can't cheat anymore."
"You can't break up," I said, surprised by the vehemence in my own voice. "She loves you. You love her. And after what we did to her … "
"You want me to stay with her as some sort of compensation?"
I balked. "Well, no … not exactly. But you guys deserve each other. You deserve to be happy. And you aren't ever going to be happy with me. It's going to always be up and down-just like before."
"I'm starting to think all relationships are like that," he said wearily. "I still don't want to hurt you. I can't stand that-I can't forget what Hugh said, about how that would destroy you. And yet … something keeps pulling us back. I told you-we're never going to be able to stay apart." I knew exactly what he meant, but I didn't say so. "I thought ending things before would fix all that, that the short-term pain would be worth the long-term stability. But I was wrong. We just found a whole new set of problems, and Maddie's in the middle. I'm willing to try again … no matter how hard it is."
"You were right to end it with us," I said harshly. "And I'm not willing to do it again."
He stared at me, shocked. My words were a lie, of course. Part of me wanted to try again, to endure anything to be with him. But I couldn't stop thinking about Maddie. Couldn't stop thinking about the hurt she would go through. It was ironic, really. Last time, he'd gone out of his way to hurt me purposely because it was for the greater good. Now I was doing the same for both of them, saving her from heartache and him from more grief with me. We were in an endless cycle.
"You can't mean that. I know you can't." His face was a mixture of incredulity and pain.
I shook my head. "I do. You and me are a disaster. What we did during this stasis … it was wrong. It was disgraceful. Immoral. We betrayed someone who loves both of us, who wishes nothing but the best for us. How could we do that? What kind of precedent is that? How could we expect to have a solid relationship that was built on that sort of sordid foundation? One that was built on lies and deceit?" Saying those words hurt. It was tarnishing the beauty of these precious few days we had, but I needed to make my case.