With all my love,
Your Pavel.
I look up from the letter. Vasily is watching me. I'm too stunned to feel anything. Not pain, not hurt, not anger. My brother jumped to his death because he did not want to hold me back!
"I want to see my brother."
"You'll be able to see him later. At the funeral."
I knew all about their funerals. They hold it at the back of the home. There is a small cemetery there and they bury all the children who die in there. There is no coffin. They are wrapped up in their bedsheet and lowered into the ground. One of the groundsmen then shovels dirt on top.
He was all I had in this world. I slam my fist into the wall. The pain comes instantly.
"I want to see him now," I roar.
Vasily jumps to his feet. "Calm down, Smirnov. I know you are upset and I am very sorry, but I will not allow you to destroy the property of this home. You cannot see him now. Those are the rules. If you don't stop this behavior I'll have to ask the nurse to bring you some sedatives to calm you down.''
"I don't need anything from you or anyone else,' I say in a low growl, and walk out of his office.
It is winter and there is a frosty wind blowing. The two groundsmen put him on the ground. I walk forward and open the bedsheet and look at his face. Even in death he looks like an angel. A beautiful, innocent angel.
I have to clench my hands to stop myself from shaking him. I kiss his cheek. It is like kissing a frozen stone. They have kept him in a very cold place. I touch his face for the last time. My fingers touch his hair, his eyelashes, his cold lips. I kiss him again, my lips lingering on his frosty cheek.
"I love you, Pavel. I'll always love you," I whisper in his ear.
Then I stand aside and watch them lower him into the ground. I still cannot actually believe he is dead. It never crossed my mind that I would be burying my baby brother.
Why? Why? Why?
I just can't understand why he did it. I just stand there devastated. I thought I had done everything in my power to keep him safe, but I couldn't save him from himself.
One of the little girls from his class comes to stand beside me. She says nothing. When the soil has been shoveled over his body and the staff have gone, she turns slightly towards me.
I look at her blankly. I've seen her talking with Pavel. There are tears in her eyes.
"They came for him at night," she whispers.
"What?"
She nods. "He untied the knot and went with them."
"What?"
She nods. "Yes, he did that all the time. I've seen him."
"Why?"
"He didn't want them to hurt you. He was protecting you. He knew if he did not do it they would hurt you."
My head feels as if it is bursting. I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to tear open the ground and bring my brother back to life. Like water rushing in from many different sources all trying to find their level. The different thoughts in my head all rush to merge in one place.
I want revenge.
I want revenge.
I want revenge.
She looks up at me with her sad, brown eyes. "I wanted you to know that he wasn't a coward. He always wanted to be like you. We all want to be like you."
I stare at her. Be like me. Suddenly I saw it all clearly. What a fool I have been. I couldn't even see that it was all a trick. The director had never wanted me. It was always Pavel he wanted and I had played right into his hands. I was the bait with which he used to catch my brother.
He was ready with the blow. Before my teeth could even sink into him he had already hit me. I put myself exactly where he wanted and he used me as the bargaining tool. He wanted Pavel to be willing.
It was my fault. Because of my supreme arrogance and ignorance Pavel was gone.
If I had just sucked the director's dick two years ago. If I had not tried to be such a hero. If I had compromised. If I had only sacrificed myself the way Pavel had. What a small thing it was to have done for him. I would suck the unwashed dicks of ten thousand men now if I could bring him back.
I fall to my knees and sob. Oh Pavel, Pavel, Pavel.
I will never be happy again.
I don't deserve it. Ever.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Star
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdHCec23BKE
Try
My heart is beating so hard and fast I have to take deep breaths to calm myself. The car comes to a stop and I quickly open the door and rush towards the club. The bouncers lift the ropes to allow me in.
"Where is Nikolai?" I ask one of the stunningly beautiful girls at the reception.
"In his office. Let me call him for you."
"Please don't call him. Just take me there."
She looks at me blankly. "I'm sorry, but I have to call him first."
"All right."
She calls him. "Er … Star is here to see you." Her eyebrows rise. "Okay. I'll tell her." She looks at me, embarrassed. "He doesn't want to see you. He says go home."
"Please, just take me to his office. He doesn't mean it. We just had an argument. I want to sort it out. Please help me," I cry. I know I sound like some obsessed stalker but I just can't let go. I have to make it right. I was so stupid and blind.
"I can't do that. I'll lose my job."
"Fine. Then let me just go into the club. I need to use the toilet. Did he say I couldn't use the toilet?"
"No."
"There you go then. I just need to use the toilet then I'm gone, okay."
She licks her lips nervously. "You need to use the toilet?"
"I need to use the toilet desperately."
"Go ahead."
"Thank you. Thank you so much."
"Just don't get me into trouble. Please."
"I won't. I promise."
I run through the club right past Nigel. He doesn't even see me. How could I have been such a fool for so long? I ask one of the waitresses to show me where Nikolai's office is. She points me towards the stairs. Semyon is standing at the bottom. I act cool as if I have every right to go up.
"I need to go up and see Nikolai," I say to him.
He nods. "Third door on the left."
I thank him and go up the stairs. I knock on the third door.
"Enter," he calls.
I feel my blood rush to my feet. Shit. I should have checked my make-up. Oh well. It's too late now. My hand shakes as I curl it around the door handle and push it open. What I see inside makes my heart drop. He is not alone. The ex-model I met earlier in the evening is sitting on one of the sofas. The only consolation is that she looks as confused as me.
He looks at me with a slight frown. I could have been a complete stranger to him. "Did Maria not pass the message on?"
"Yeah she passed the message on. It's not her fault. I told her I needed to use the toilet so she let me in."
"The toilets are downstairs." His voice is robotic.
"I'm not here for the toilet."
He exhales as if he is bored. "What are you here for, Star?"
I refuse to back down. I'll say what I came here to say. "You. I'm here for you."
"Do you know what I truly find repulsive?" he asks casually.
I take a deep breath. "Tell me."
"Desperate women. I've had my fill of you. I'm in the mood to take something different home with me tonight." He turns to the dark-haired beauty sitting on the sofa. "Do you want to come home with me for a fuck, Anastasia?"
She glances at me quickly then back to him. "Yes."
He turns back to me, his eyes cutting and derisive. "There you go. I'm sorted for tonight. Now, unless you are interested in a threesome you really should leave."
I stare at him in shock. My whole world feels like it is crumbling away. He doesn't want me anymore. For a few seconds I can't do anything. I just stand there frozen. Then I turn around and walk out of his club. I don't see anyone because my eyes are full of tears. I go outside and Andrei is waiting by the sidewalk. I dash away the tears.
"Do you want to go back to Surrey?" he asks.
"No," I sob. "Take me to my friend's house."
He looks at me worriedly.
"Fine. Don't take me. I'll just call a taxi."
He scratches his head, then nods and opens the car door for me. I get in and he drives me to Rosa's apartment.
Chapter Forty-Nine
Nikolai
My fate is to be alone. Everyone I loved is dead.
The gates are only left unattended when the bell rings. The bell only rings when something terrible happens. It has only rung twice since I have been here.
Once because a boy tried to escape and fell outside the wall. They brought him back with his bone sticking out of his leg. And the other time was when the cook accidentally burned herself very badly.
I'm not yet fifteen, but I am tall, broad, and bigger than most of the boys, and a few of the teachers. I am definitely stronger than my enemy. I watch and I wait for my opportunity. I know my enemy's movements like I know the back of my hand.
The time comes and I follow the director into the staff toilets.