I lift my hand and strike him across the face. He doesn't move. I watch my handprint leave a white mark that fills quickly with red.
We stand there staring at each other. I'm panting hard and feeling hurt and shocked while he looks down at me, his eyes expressionless, a muscle in his jaw throbbing madly.
"You tricked me. How could you do that? We were supposed to celebrate my first ever success. I thought we were going to have a lovely dinner together." My voice trembles with emotion.
He closes his eyes and exhales. "I'm sorry, Star."
"If you just wanted to humiliate me why did you get me to dress up? So I could look like a complete fool in front of all your staff?" I sob.
"I asked you to dress up for this," he growls. It happens so fast I don't even get time to react. He grabs my upper-arms and his lips swoop down on mine.
I know it's a terrible, terrible cliché, but my mind goes blank, the world stops spinning. The sensation is electric. Every nerve in my body sparks alive. My mouth opens helplessly and his tongue pushes in. With a muffled sound that sounds almost like a sob I suck his tongue hard, as if it is life-giving.
There is nothing but us. Kissing on the sidewalk. The kiss goes on and on until he wrenches his mouth away and gazes down at me. He is breathing hard.
I stare up at him, shocked.
My mind whirls. I feel frightened. Why am I responding to his kisses like this? This is not sex. This is something else. I am in love with him! I have been for some time now. I just refused to admit it.
But this man can never be mine.
He'll get bored and I'll end up like all those other discarded women. I can't show him how I feel. I have to protect my heart. He will trample all over it. My lips move. Words tumble out of them. Trite words. Words that have no meaning to me.
"Allowing a gambler into your establishment and letting him gamble on credit is like taking an alcoholic to a bar and telling him to help himself."
He gives a short bark of humorless laughter. "You really don't know your husband at all, do you?"
My mouth opens and more trite nonsense pours out. "I know he needs my help."
"Do you really want him back after what you saw?" he asks incredulously.
I don't think. I say what is expected of me. "He's my husband."
He shakes his head. "You're unbelievable."
"It's called loyalty, Nikolai. You should try it sometime."
The reaction I get is far worse than when I slapped him. He goes white. For a while he says nothing. Just stares at me. Then he shakes his head. Not in disgust as he had before, but as if telling himself no.
"Fuck it, Star. You want him. Go on, go to him." He jerks his head. "He's in there. Tell him all is forgiven. The debt is paid in full. Take him home and go back to playing ostrich. You're so fucking good at it."
"Nikolai?"
He takes a step back as if I could contaminate him. "No, I should have known better. Go back to him. You deserve each other," he says harshly. He looks at me with contempt. How did we get from that spell-binding kiss to this? He turns on his heel and goes back into his club.
I stand there in the street for a few more moments. Did I just imagine that? I touch my mouth. It feels swollen and tender.
I know I can't go back in there and face Nigel. I'm too confused and wounded. In a daze, I turn my head. Andrei is waiting by the car. When he catches my eye, he opens the back door. Like a wound-up toy I walk towards him. I get into the car and he closes the door.
"Back to the house?" he asks.
I take a deep breath. "No." I tell him my address.
"Look-," he begins.
"Nikolai doesn't care anymore. He said I could go. Call him if you don't believe me."
He takes his phone out and hits a button. He says something in Russian and listens. The reply is also in Russian and very brief. He glances at me in the rearview mirror. When he catches my eyes he quickly looks away. The phone in his hand goes dead. He sighs.
"I will take you wherever you want."
"Thank you."
He starts the car and drives me home. When he gets to my street, the first tears start to fall from my eyes. He stops outside my house. It is in complete darkness. I fumble with the door but he gets out and opens it for me.
"I'll wait for you here."
For a split second, I almost tell him to go on ahead then something stops me. I nod, thank him, and walk up to my house. How I loved this house. Once, when I was a different person.
I climb the steps. I touch the front door. I know where the spare key is but I don't want to go in. It feels as if I no longer belong here. I turn away from it and go back down the steps.
Then I stop halfway.
Will I regret this decision all my life? Be brave, Star. Go all the way. There is nothing to fear but a lie. It's time I knew the truth. All of it. I turn around, pick up the spare key, and enter the house. It smells different. How strange that I cannot recognize the smell of my house.
I don't switch on the light. I go through the hallway and up the stairs. My footsteps are silent on the carpet. I enter the bedroom and flick the light switch.
For a second I am blinded, then I look around me. The bed is unmade. Yeah, I expected that. I walk to my closet I open it. It looks untouched. My hands move to the end of the rail. To the very end. There it is, my school uniform. Well, not my school uniform, but an exact copy to remind him of the first time we met. Bigger obviously, to take into account that I am no longer sixteen. I pull the hanger out and bring it to my nose.
I close my eyes and exhale. It is not pain. It is relief. Now I know for sure. I don't have to guess. I don't have to regret. It's hard evidence. The decision is as clear as day. Another woman's perfume. He's had someone else in this house and asked her to wear what I thought was our thing. What I wore the very first time we met.
How stupid of me.
Nikolai and Rosa were right all along. Nigel is a pervert. It makes me feel slightly sick to think how utterly naïve I've been. What a fool. How he must have laughed at me.
Never mind. I will have the last laugh.
I hook the hanger back into its place and close the cupboard. I look around me and shake my head. Incredible. It was all lies. Every bit. I walk to the door, switch off the light and go to stand at the window. In the moonlight I see my moon garden. The glowing white flowers that I planted to bloom at night.
I turn away and go down the stairs. I know now that the yellow room will never be used. No fat baby will wear those irresistible rompers. My birds will find their food elsewhere. My garden will make some other person happy. I go out of the front door and return the key to its secret place.
"Goodbye house."
I walk to the car and get into it. "Can you take me back to the club?"
"Of course," he says in his respectful manner.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Nikolai
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlKaVFqxERk
If You Leave Me Now
‘‘Sit down, Smirnov," Vasily says, nodding to the chair in front of his table.
I don't sit. There is no love lost between us. He considers me a trouble maker and I despise him. As the second in command he looks the other way while the Director presides over an institution run on brutality and cruelty.
Right now, though, I feel nothing except pure fear. I watch him as he leans his heavy frame on the table and feigns emotion.
‘‘I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your brother died this morning.''
In my soul, I already knew what he was going to say, but it doesn't lessen the impact of his words. I feel as if I am falling into a black bottomless hole. I try to grab hold of anything I can. My head feels light. I clutch onto the table edge in front of me.
‘‘I'm sorry, Nikolai. He fell over the banister."
"No," I gasp. "That's impossible. Someone must have pushed him."
He shakes his head slowly. "He didn't just fall. He jumped."
"That's a fucking lie," I snarl.
"We do not condone the use of such words in this institution," he says sternly.
"Someone pushed him."
"No one pushed him, Smirnov. He left a letter for you. A suicide note."
I stare at him in disbelief. It is a lie. They have killed my brother and now they are trying to make me believe that he killed himself. Why would he do that? "Where is the letter?" I say, my voice trembling with the raging fury that is threatening to consume me.
He takes a crumpled envelope that was sitting on his left, and holds it out to me.
I snatch it from him and tear it open. I see the handwriting and bile rushes up my throat. I try to swallow it down. Jesus! My brother took his own life!
My dear brother,
I hope you won't think I am a coward. I've tried my best to be as brave as possible. I know you are trying to escape this place. I know you can even leave tomorrow, but you are waiting for me, because you think I'm not strong enough to scale the wall. I don't want to hold you back. So I am going to be brave and not hold you back any longer.