By the time I get to the fourth floor he is waiting for me outside the lift. He looks well, very well. There is no trace of sadness or regret in his face. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
He smiles at me and I smile back at him. With complete confidence, he curls his arm around my back possessively, and leads me into her apartment. Inside, he wraps his arms around me and tries to kiss me, but I evade him.
"Don't," I mutter, and walk away from him.
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing. I just need a bit of time."
He looks at me strangely. "Okay."
"So how are you?"
He shrugs. "Without you, I'm nothing, Star."
"It sure doesn't look like it," I mutter under my breath.
He walks up to me and touches my hair, his eyes pained. "Star? Why did you say that? I'm putting on a happy face because I don't want to spoil the little time we have together."
I look up deep into his eyes. He is not lying. But you never could tell when he was lying, could you? I ignore that voice of reason and let myself believe him. I love him. I know I love him. Of course, I love him. What I have with Nikolai is just lust. Sex. It will burn itself out. I know that. This is the real thing.
He bends his head and lets his lips gently brush mine. I stiffen.
"I want to make love to you, Star," he says.
"No," I gasp.
"Why not?"
"I can't," I gasp.
"Why not?"
"I'm not a whore, Nigel. I can't go from his bed to yours. Just like that," I cry.
"Jesus, Star. I'm your fucking husband."
I cover my face with my hands. "I know. I know, but I just can't do it. Not here. Not in Rosa's apartment."
"She'll never know. Come on."
"I promised her we wouldn't do it here."
"What a fucking selfish lesbian bitch! Why should she care if we fuck?"
I take a step back. "Stop being horrible about her, Nigel. Please," I cry angrily. It seems easier to fight about Rosa than deal with what is really going on.
He seems to take a hold of himself and forces a smile. "I didn't come here to fight with you about Rosa, Star. I just want to talk to you. Why don't we sit down and talk, hmmm?"
"I can't. The driver is waiting downstairs."
"Fuck's sake, Star. He's a driver. That's his fucking lot in life. He waits around all day for people."
I look at him astonished as if I have never seen him before. This arrogance. Where did it come from? Was it always there?
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just hurt and angry and I'm lashing out on all the wrong people. Of course, you have to go. It's okay. I'm glad I got to see you, and see for myself that you are well."
"Yeah, I'm well."
He pauses. "He doesn't do anything kinky to you, does he?"
I flush to the roots of my hair. "No," I croak.
"I'll kill him if he hurts a hair on your head," he thunders.
My head starts to hurt. "I got to go."
"Won't you even kiss me before you go?"
I walk up to him and press my lips against his. I don't know what I expect, but I feel nothing. He wraps his arms around me and deepens the kiss. His tongue seeks entry, hooks my tongue into his mouth and sucks it ardently. My mind stays alert. It tells me it's getting late. He slips his other hand down and tries to lift up my skirt.
I pull away angrily. "I told you not to do that."
"What are you doing? Saving yourself for him?" he sneers.
My eyes widen. "How dare you?"
He runs his hand through his hair distractedly. ‘I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. I can't handle this. You're my woman and … " He drops his hand in a defeated gesture. "Never mind. What's the fucking point?"
"I wish I'd never come."
"I'm sorry, darling. All I ever seem to do is apologize."
"We're both stressed. Don't worry about it."
"Your mother keeps calling."
"I'll call her today. I'm telling everybody I'm on a writing retreat for a month. So if you can keep to the same story it should all be well."
"Right. That's a good idea." He looks at me beseechingly. "I'm counting the days when you will come back home."
I drop my eyes. "Yeah, me too."
"I can't wait for us to start our new life. We'll do different things. I'll be home more. We'll have a new life together. A better life."
He doesn't understand. I liked my old life, very much, but I found out it was a lie. "Okay."
"I love you."
"Me too. I've got to go."
He walks me to the lift. "I'll hang around here for a few minutes before I come down."
I smile. "Talk to you later."
The lift doors open. I go in and turn around to face him. He looks at me intently as if he will never see me again. The doors close on him and I exhale and lean against the metal wall. I don't allow myself to think. I just repeat in my head.
I love my husband. I love my husband. I love my husband.
Like a mantra, and like a mantra it stuns my mind, so I stop thinking.
I become blank.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Star
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HKoqNJtMTQ
Skyfall
"Finished meeting your friend?" Oleg asks over his shoulder.
I catch a glimpse of his face in the rearview mirror. "Yes, thank you. We can go back now," I tell him. I suddenly feel very tired. I let my body lean back into the seat and close my eyes. I decide at that moment that I won't meet Nigel again during this month. It stressed me out and it didn't make me or him feel good. Right now I even feel as if I've done something shameful.
My phone pings. It is Nigel telling me he is sorry. I feel too exhausted to answer. I delete the message and stare out of the window until we reach Nikolai's house.
"Will you need me again today?" Oleg asks with a smile.
"Probably not. It'll likely be tomorrow."
"Just let me know," he says, before getting out of the car to open my door for me.
I walk to the house and press the buzzer. Yana opens the door.
"Hello, Miss Minton," she greets formally.
I hear footsteps coming from behind her and instantly my body stiffens and reacts so much that Yana cannot help but notice. She looks behind her then takes a respectful step backwards.
"May I speak to you in the library?" Nikolai asks.
Nervous energy cuts through me like a bolt of electricity. "Of course," I say as casually as I can.
Without another word, he turns and walks away. His tall body stiff and purposeful. I swallow my anxiety and follow him into the library.
"Close the door," he says, stopping in the middle of the room.
I shut the door quietly and turn around.
He looks at me and his face is entirely without expression. I mean nothing. Nothing. A shiver goes through me. I lift my chin. I won't let him scare me. I haven't done anything wrong.
"Where have you been?" His voice is pleasant.
"Nowhere," I say defiantly. I shouldn't feel guilty. I went to see my husband.
"I'll ask you one more time. Where have you been?"
"And I'll tell you one more time. Nowhere."
He walks over to me and catches me by the throat. I feel fear flash through me at the cold expression in his eyes. I swallow hard but I don't blink or back down.
"Did you give your body to him?"
My eyes widen with shock.
"Did you?" he asks again, his hand tightening around my throat.
"No, no I didn't," I choke out.
His hand eases the pressure on my throat but his eyes are narrowed and hard. "Why did you go to him then?"
Hot tears fill my eyes even though I try to hold them back.
"Tears, Star? I thought you were better than that."
"How did you know?"
"I have to be stupid not to. Rosa is at work and you sneak off to her apartment for fifteen minutes."
"I just wanted to see him again," I say miserably.
"I forbade any contact between you and him."
"No. That's not true," I deny hotly. "You instructed me not to call him. I didn't. I've not broken any of your stupid rules."
"But you do call and text him. All the fucking time."
"Well then, what do you want from me? He's my husband and he's ill and unhappy. I can't just leave him alone for one month. I need to know that he's okay," I cry defensively.
"He's neither ill nor unhappy. He's a psychopath who is playing you."
"I love him and I want to go back to him." It's far from the truth but that's what comes out of my mouth.
His lips twist cynically. "Why? Does he make you scream uncontrollably when you cum? Do you make those little kitten noises and rub your hot cunt on his dick to make yourself cum because you are so fucking desperate to cum?"
More tears run down my cheeks. "Fuck off you cold, ugly bastard."
"Answer the question," he orders coldly.
"None of your fucking business," I scream.
He smiles. An ugly movement of his lips. "If you didn't have sex. What did you do?"