“No,” I reply with so much force, she startles. “Never have I used you, Carly.” I want to tell her that I hadn’t used her for information, but I guess in a way, I did. At least that’s how it might have started out.
I grab her by the arms and turn her to face me. I’m not holding her tight enough to hurt her, but just enough so that she can’t pull away. “You were always the best part of this operation. You and our daughter are the only things that kept me going when I wanted to give up and walk away. He was never the reason I wanted to be with you,” I tell her, all but getting down on my knees and begging.
“And I don’t believe you,” she whispers, more tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. “I need to say something to my mom. You can wait by the front door,” she tells me, pulling back. I don’t want to hurt her or cause her more pain, so I let go. That one action feels like it signifies so much more than her leaving the room. It’s like she’s pulling away forever and I’ve let her go. I’ve lost her.
I follow her out of the room while she grabs her mom. They scurry down the hallway, and even though I can’t hear the words they’re saying, I can hear their collective cries. Natalia is sitting in her highchair eating a pancake and peaches. I sit next to her and let her shovel her soggy food into my mouth. Fear grips me so tightly by the balls that I almost choke on it. I try not to let my mind wander, but I can’t help but feel like this is the last time I’ll be sitting here with her inside of this apartment. The finality in the moment cuts deeper than I could have ever imagined.
A few minutes later, Carly returns and grabs her jacket. The look on Georgia’s face is one of pure devastation. I want to avoid the look she’s giving me, but I can’t. This is the bed that I made, and it’s time to lie in it. Sadness fills her eyes along with the tears. Sadness for Roman, but maybe even sadness for me. Because she knows. She knows what this has cost me. Her daughter. The woman I love.
Carly remains silent the entire ride to the jail where her father is being kept. She sits as close to the door as humanly possible, as if she can’t get far enough away from me. When we pull into the parking lot, she’s out the passenger door before I even get the ignition shut off. I have to jog to catch up with her before she can make it in through the front security doors. She falls back only briefly as she allows me to get us through security. Once on the other side, I place my hand on her lower back to guide her towards the interrogation room that Roman is waiting in. She doesn’t pull away, but the distance is evident.
“Do you want me to go in with you?” I ask, halting her progress.
“No. I need to do this alone,” she tells me with decisiveness. I search her face for any sign of weakness, anything that shows me she can’t handle what she’s about to face, but I only find the strong, beautiful woman that I love. So, as much as it pains me, I nod and open the door for her. I scan the room quickly to make sure they’re left alone before turning and walking back out.
Now I wait. I wait for Carly and Roman to finish their talk. I wait to find out if the woman I love is going to walk away at the end of the day. I wait to find out if my job is the only thing keeping me warm tonight. My legs feel weak as the weight of my emotions and the exhaustion set in. I slide down the white brick wall until my ass is planted firmly on the hard tile floor. Dropping my head onto my knees, I let my fatigue get the best of me.
Chapter Twenty-Five – The Weight Is
Too Much To Bear
Carly
I sit across from Roman, the tired man who resembles the father I used to know. I knew that I needed to see him, but now that I’m here, I just can’t seem to find the right words. His eyes speak of sadness and pity as he continues to return my gaze.
“Carlina, you must know that this life is one I never wanted for you. I only wanted the best for you and your mother, which was why I had to push you away. If something had happened to one of you, it would have been too unbearable. This life, it was the only life I had known. It was the only thing I had that was mine. I couldn’t give it up. Too many people, too much was riding on it. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of you and Georgie. I love you both so much. That’s why I did what I did. That’s why I sent you away. Away from the danger. Away from the tainted life that I was living. I made the choice, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I love you and your mother more than my own life. That’s why I needed to know you were safe.”