“Is there anything I should know about Mom?”
The change is so subtle, I could easily have missed it had I not been watching him so closely. But I am watching him closely, so I didn’t miss the shift. His nostrils flared the tiniest bit before settling back into their normal state. It was a miniscule reaction, but a reaction nonetheless.
“What’s got you thinking about your mother? She left a long time ago.”
“Did she, Dad? Did she really just up and leave like you said? Or was there more to it?”
“What’s this about, Muse?”
My heart, worn out from the events of the last few hours, isn’t too worn out to accelerate, flooding my muscles with blood and adrenaline. “Tell me what happened, Dad. Everything that happened. The whole truth.”
His eyes search mine. I wonder if he’s looking for a weakness to exploit, some way to spin this that will make it more palatable. Because I know it’s not. The fact that he’s hidden something from me for so long tells me that it’s nothing that I want to hear. But the thing is, I need to hear it.
“Before you go trying to soften the facts for my poor virgin ears, let me remind you that I have been through a lot in the last year. I’m done with blind trust. I’m done with partial explanations and being stuck in the dark. If you don’t tell me what I want to know then I’ll find someone who will. And that probably won’t end well. We both know what could happen if I go snooping around in your affairs. Nothing good, I’d say.”
I see his Adam’s apple bob with his gulp and my nerves tingle with dread. His eyes never leave mine as he pulls out a stool and sits facing me. “Muse, before I answer your question I want to remind you that all I’ve ever done has been for the good of you or the good of this country. Sometimes both. There are things I’m ashamed of just because of the nature of the way they happened, but if I could go back and do it over, I don’t think I’d change anything, because it’s all been the right thing to do.”
My breath is coming short and shallow. “Tell me what happened, Dad. Just tell me.”
There’s a long silence before he begins. “I met your mother when I was stationed in North Dakota doing some cold-weather training. She worked at a little diner there. Stole my heart the first time I laid eyes on her. We had only been dating a couple of months when I found out that I was being transferred to Germany. I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving her, so I asked her to marry me. She said yes. We had a little informal ceremony and then packed up and moved halfway across the world.
“Things were fine at first, even after we moved back to the states two years later. Within a few months of coming back, she got pregnant with you, so I put in for a desk job in Texas. Anything to get out of the field, away from the travel. I wanted our family, especially you, to have stability and not have to move around so much.
“I was pretty sure I’d get the job. Even then I had a high clearance, but that position required top-level credentials, so they vetted me for it.” His pause makes the bottom of my stomach drop. “That’s when they found out about her.”
My pulse stutters like a hiccup high in my chest. “Found out what?”
“She worked for an intelligence group that fed state secrets to a terrorist organization in the Middle East.”
Sweet Jesus, will this day never end?
“M-my mother was a spy? Or a terrorist?”
At this moment, my father looks ten years older, his face that of a man who has seen more tragedy and heartbreak than I ever knew. He doesn’t deny my deduction, but he doesn’t address it either. He goes a different route.
“All you need to know about your mother is that she was the woman who gave birth to the most beautiful child in the world. She passed on only good things to you. Your green eyes, your quick smile, your art, your fierce loyalty. Your courage. I’ve never seen anyone as fearless as you when it comes to the people they love. I will always be grateful to her for giving me the best part of my whole life. You.”
The lump in my throat is so big I fear that it might stop me from taking the deep breath that I so desperately need. “So what happened? Did she really just leave us? And you let her go? Or . . . ?”
A short, sad pause. “Yes. She did leave us. That was the truth. After I applied for the transfer, I think she knew it was just a matter of time before she was discovered. She knew they’d take us both apart before they gave me top clearance.”
“Do you know what happened to her after that?”
His face blanches, and he looks down and away. “Yes.”