“And yet you have. Isn’t that a bitch?”
“Muse, I—”
“Save it!” I interrupt with a bark. “All I want from you right now is to borrow your car. I need to go to my father’s.”
“I can’t let you do that.” Before I can go completely off the deep end, he adds, “But I can take you.”
My lips tighten. I want to refuse him. Out of spite. Right now, I don’t want anything from Jasper, much less kindness. I’m clinging to the anger and the bitterness for dear life. The moment I let go of them, I feel I’ll just fall apart. And I can’t do that yet. I have too many questions. But I do need to get back to my father. And Jasper holds the only means by which to do so.
Swallowing a thick lump of resentment, I agree. I don’t really have much choice. “Fine. Let me get my things.” With that, I stalk off down the dock and across the yard to the cabin, flinging open the screen door and making my way toward the bedroom.
Angrily, I ball up my clothes, strewn here and there as Jasper and I left them after making love, and throw them into my suitcase. The ache in my chest as I think on those precious moments, moments that were nothing more than lies, goes deeper and deeper until I feel like it might gnaw right through my spine and leave nothing but a gaping hole in its wake.
I choke back a sob as I jerk the zipper closed and yank the case off the dresser. When I whirl around, Jasper is standing in the doorway, quiet and imposing. He’s watching me with his turbulent gold eyes, his expression not much different than it ever is. But I’ve gotten to know him well enough that I can see the subtle differences. I’ve memorized every nuance of his face, his body, the heart of the man I thought I was getting to know. That’s why I can see the tinge of regret crouching just beneath the surface.
A sob works its way up and out. I can’t deal with his softness now, his sweetness. Not now. I just can’t.
I stomp over to him, listing in one direction as I manage my luggage, and I throw my hand up between us. “Don’t.”
I hate that my voice breaks. Like a crack in a vase, I’m afraid that it will lead to total dissolution, so I grit my teeth against the surge of pain and I move past him.
Jasper catches my arm as I pass and he stops me. I don’t bother looking up at him. I keep my eyes trained straight ahead.
He holds me like this for long, tense minutes. I don’t know what he’s waiting for, but I know that I can’t stand it much longer.
One question pops out before I can stop it. “When?” Once it’s free, every muscle in my body clenches as I await the answer.
He doesn’t pretend not to know what I mean. As always, he’s extremely intuitive. He knows the question that’s eating a canker on my insides. Part of me has to know when he decided not to kill me. “I don’t know. I just knew that I couldn’t.”
I slump in his hold and lean for a few seconds against the doorjamb. “I’m not afraid of you,” I admit. And I’m not. “I’m only afraid of what knowing you and falling in love with you has done to me. I’ve never met someone who destroyed my hope. Until you. As much as I hate you right now, I know I’ll never love someone this much again. But you warned me, didn’t you?” I spit bitterly. “You told me you’d hurt me and you knew there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Not one damn thing.”
I turn my hateful, disgusted glare up to him as I yank my arm free and walk proudly to the car. I open the back door and throw my suitcase in, completely disregarding the supple leather of the seats.
Everything beautiful is getting trashed tonight, I think harshly, blinking back a swell of tears. I refuse to crumble. I. Refuse.
I climb in the passenger side of the still-running car and I wait. I see Jasper come through the door, turning to lock it behind him. He stands tall and imposing as ever, but something about his shoulders, the way they’re set a little lower, assures me that this ordeal has left its mark on him as well.
Good. I hope you’re hurting, too.
Although that should make me feel better, it actually makes me feel worse. Jasper has been hurt so much in life already, I only wanted to heal him, to love him. But that wasn’t to be because he only wanted to kill me.
The reality of our circumstances hits home again, bursting through my anger with a sucker punch to the heart. I gasp in the quiet of the car and reach for my aching chest. But when Jasper opens the driver’s side door and slides in behind the wheel, I let my hand fall away and turn to look out the window, into the inky blackness of the surrounding woods.
We ride in silence for miles and miles before Jasper speaks. I wonder that he didn’t think I was asleep, but knowing him, he can probably hear my heartbeat or something.