And when she’s lying limp beneath me, I grab her around the waist and flip her roughly onto her belly. When her face is turned into the pillow, I sink my fingers into the flesh of her hips and take her from behind. I drive my body viciously into hers over and over and over again, conscious only of the slap of skin against skin and the wet noises her slick body makes. But it’s not enough. I want to see her face. I need to see her face.
Barely breaking rhythm, I pull out, roll her back over and thrust into her again, holding her legs wide and her gaze hostage. With our eyes locked together, black soul colliding with white, I pummel her willing body until I spill every ounce of feeling I have left within me deep inside her body.
TWENTY-THREE
Muse
My entire body tingles. My entire soul weeps. I want to take Jasper in my arms and soothe him, but I know that he wouldn’t welcome it. I don’t know how to comfort him, or even if that’s possible. It seems he’s spent so long convincing himself that he’s a monster, he refuses to believe anything else.
I know that’s what he was just now trying to prove to me. He was showing me what an awful person he is. But it didn’t work. Despite his roughness, he never actually hurt me. What he doesn’t know is that such raw emotion, especially coming from someone who rarely shows any emotion, turned an amazing sexual encounter into one of the most breathtaking, earth-shattering experiences of my life. My mind is reeling and my heart is opening like a blossoming flower. And my body . . . my body feels as though an entire symphony was played out on my every nerve by expert hands.
But those might not have been the best gifts of all. The best gift might be when Jasper raises his head and speaks to me, surprising me yet again.
“I’m sorry,” he says flatly. The remorse isn’t evident in his voice, but I can see enough of his face and his eyes to read it as plain as day.
I reach up to touch his cheek. “Don’t be.”
“I didn’t use protection. I could’ve . . .”
He drops his forehead onto the pillow at the curve of my neck, so he doesn’t see the mild alarm that crosses my face.
Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about that. I was so caught up in my feelings and what just happened between us, the consequences of it hadn’t even sunk in yet. But they’re sinking in now.
I swallow hard. “I’m clean. I haven’t had sex since Matt and we were both tested, so . . .”
“I am, too. I’ve been tested, even though I don’t usually have unprotected sex.”
I nod, letting that bit calm half of my fears. The other half . . . only time will tell, but I try to focus on the positive. On what’s likely to happen. Or, rather, what’s likely not to happen.
“Good, so we’re clear there. As for the . . . other concern, I just got off my period a few days ago, so I think we’ll be okay.”
I send up a quick prayer that I don’t get pregnant, although, perversely, the thought of having Jasper’s child—a beautiful dark-haired girl or a handsome amber-eyed boy—gives me a warm, contented feeling in my chest.
Maybe you’re finally losing it, Muse. Maybe you finally cracked under the pressure.
“Okay,” he replies, the word muffled. “I don’t . . .” He raises his head and meets my eyes again. “I don’t usually lose control like that. In fact, I never do. Not. Ever. I just . . . I just don’t.” His expression is one of stilted disappointment. In himself, it seems.
“Jasper, it’s okay to have a feeling every once in a while.”
His expression is unyielding. “Feelings lead to weakness, to uncalculated actions and reactions.”
I smile, undeterred by his surliness. I’m beginning to think that’s just the way he tries to be. It makes it easier to not feel, makes it easier to keep people out. But that’s not going to work with me. I don’t know why I’m so determined to figure him out, to know him, to rescue him, but I am. I think Jasper needs me, whether he knows it or not. And I might need him, too.
“Ummm, I’m pretty sure there was nothing weak about what just happened.” A blush of sudden shyness stings my cheeks as I think about all the details of the past few minutes. “If that’s the monster you’re hiding, I think I’ll keep him around for a while.”
Even as I speak, I feel Jasper hardening where he still rests inside me. A thread of excitement is just working its way through me when he surprises me by taking my wrists again, this time in each of his hands and pinning them out to the sides. “Don’t you get it? You shouldn’t like this. You shouldn’t like me. I’m not a good person. I’m not someone you can just happily toy with and then go on about your life unscathed. Knowing me, spending time with me, will only end in unimaginable pain for you.”