No matter what he did, however many spiritual techniques he practiced, he hadn’t ever conquered the dream. It came without warning, always starting the same way. In silence.
He was in the jungle. He knew because he could smell the musty combination of life and rotting leaves. He could feel the dampness as the thick, humid air clung to him. It should have been dark because he’d always been blindfolded, but in his dream he could see everything. The trees, the birds, the sunlight filtering through the rain forest. What he couldn’t see was the knives.
They came without warning, invisible. There was the cool sensation of steel cutting through flesh. In the heartbeat of disbelief, as he watched the blood run down his arm, there wasn’t pain. That came a second later, the searing burn as healing scars were cut open again.
He clenched his teeth against the agony only to have the knives strike again and again. His chest, his legs, his belly. He wouldn’t scream, he told himself, sweat dripping nearly as fast as the blood. Wouldn’t let them win. But the sound was pulled from him, the agony winning yet again.
He came awake as suddenly as he’d fallen asleep. Every light was on, but the darkness still pressed down on him. His scars burned, as they always did. Phantom sensations that faded with the dawn.
He saw Aaron standing in the doorway. They stared at each other.
Nick’s throat was dry, his breathing harsh. Still he managed to say, “I’m okay.”
“You don’t look it.”
Nick shrugged.
“You need to talk to someone about this,” Aaron told him.
“No.”
“And here I thought you were more than a pretty face.” Aaron continued to study him. “The dreams aren’t going away.”
“I know.”
“That can’t be good for you.”
“I’m fine.”
“I can’t decide if you’re just stubborn or genuinely stupid.”
“Let me know what you come up with.”
“Don’t act tough with me,” Aaron told him. “Don’t forget I’ve heard you scream.”
He left. Nick lay back down, knowing he wouldn’t sleep again until dawn. He would get up in a few minutes, when the shaking had stopped, and catch his breath.
Aaron was only trying to help. The problem was, Nick didn’t believe there was a solution. The dreams were part of the price of what he had done. As he couldn’t find forgiveness, he would settle on making payments. Tonight had been little more than another installment.
IZZY STOOD in front of the storeroom, wishing someone other than her was in charge of feeding the horses. Or that someone else was responsible for getting the oats. But no. Feeding the horses was her job and she’d run out of oats two horses shy of finishing.
“Would you guys accept a couple of carrots instead?” she yelled into the barn. “Or an apple? How about a cookie?”She sensed someone behind her seconds before she heard footsteps or words.
“Who are you talking to?” Nick asked, coming up behind her.
“No one you know.”
She hadn’t seen him all the previous day. Aaron said he’d gone into town to run errands, but she thought maybe he’d been staying away from her because of the kiss. And if he was, did his disappearance mean something good or something bad?
This was when not being able to see was really annoying, she thought. Normally she could take one look at a guy and know if he wanted her. Or if he’d enjoyed himself. Now she couldn’t tell and she sure wasn’t going to ask.
What worried her most wasn’t the lack of information, it was that sex had always been a game for her. One she enjoyed and played well. But now she didn’t understand the rules. She couldn’t read the other player, which put her at a serious disadvantage. There was also the teeny, tiny fact that she hadn’t been playing when he’d kissed her. She’d felt the passion, the need and had wanted more.
“You need something in the storeroom?” he asked.
“Well, duh.”
“You think that kind of attitude is going to make me want to help you?”
She folded her arms across her chest and stared at him. “So you’re a conditional sort of person. You want to get before you give.”
“You’re the one who insisted we both take the blame for you falling the other night.”
“You scared me.”
“You were climbing alone.”
She sighed. “You need a new topic of conversation.”
“Get the surgery. Once you can see, you won’t be afraid of going into the storeroom.”
Not exactly the topic she’d been hoping for. “No, thanks.”
“Why not?”