Straddling the Line(32)

She swiped at the tears, knowing how her dad would tell her not to cry over him.

"I'm sorry, Daddy. I know you'd be mad at me for the things I said to  Mom. But it's like she's forgotten you. She's got this whole new life  now. It's like she's moved on, and I can't seem to do that. I guess I'm  not as strong. I need your help."         

     



 

She shuddered as she inhaled, wishing like anything she could feel her  dad's big strong arms around her right now. Just one more time.

"Remember when we'd sit in the living room and watch football together?  Remember the popcorn fights? Mom would get so mad at us about that."

"That's because I'd have to do all the vacuuming, and a week later I'd still find popcorn kernels."

She half turned to find her mother standing just behind her. She came and sat on the bench next to her.

"I'm sorry for what I said to you. It was rude and unforgivable," Haven said.

Her mother put her arm around her. "You have no need to apologize. You were always taught to say what was on your mind."

"Not like that. It was disrespectful. Please forgive me."

"You're forgiven. I know what I'm doing must seem to you like I've moved  on from your father, when nothing could be further from the truth,  Haven." Her mother stared at the headstone, and Haven saw tears shimmer  in her eyes. "God, I loved that man with all my heart and soul. There  will never be a love in my life like him. He was the first, the last,  and everything to me."

Haven sniffled, and then she realized that her mother had buried the  love of her life. It had been utterly and completely cruel of her to  throw those words at her mother. Haven had lost her father, but her  mother had lost the man she had loved for more than thirty-three years.  She took her mother's hand and squeezed it.

"But your father made me promise that I wouldn't stop living, that I'd  continue to follow my dreams. And I did promise him that. When the  school told me about the dorm parent situation, I figured I'd make good  on that promise and go back to school-back to teaching again. I'd gotten  a little complacent. And if I sit in that house and wallow about losing  your father, I'll lose myself as well, Haven. I can't do that. I have  to keep living. Not just for you, but for myself. And for your dad."

Haven nodded. "I know you do."

Her mother turned to her. "And so do you. Your father would be so  disappointed in you if you allowed your world to stop because he died."

Haven inhaled on a sob. "I know he would. But I miss him so much."

"We still have each other. For as long as I'm alive, we'll still have  each other. But you have to go out and find your life, my sweet baby  girl. Promise me you'll do that."

Her mother wrapped her up in her arms. And just like that, she felt the  warmth of love surrounding her. It was as if for that moment, she felt  her dad's presence there, as well. Maybe it was just her imagination, or  wishful thinking, but a sense of well-being enveloped her.

"I will. I promise, Mom. Things will be better now. For both of us."

She looked at her dad's headstone, and for the first time since he died,  she was able to think about the future without that future feeling  empty.

Okay, Dad. For you. For Mom. It's time for all of us to move on.

TREVOR PUT AWAY THE LEFTOVER STEW AND DID THE dishes, and even made  another pitcher of tea, needing to keep his hands and his mind occupied  while he waited for Haven and her mom to get back. When he heard the car  doors, he wiped his hands on the dish towel and pulled out clean  glasses in case they wanted a drink.

Haven was the first to show up in the kitchen.

She arched a brow. "You did dishes?"

"Yeah. Are you still hungry?"

"No, I'm fine."

"How about some tea? I made more of that."

"Aren't you all domestic. I'd love a glass of tea."

He poured her a glass and handed it to her. "Where's your mom?"

"She went upstairs."

"Are you okay? Are the two of you okay?"

"We're good now. Thanks."

He took a seat next to her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

She took a couple of swallows of tea. "Not particularly, other than to  apologize to you as well. I wasn't my best today, but things are going  to be better now."

She didn't owe him any explanation. That was between her and her mother.  "You don't have to apologize to me, Haven. I told you before that  you're allowed to feel however you feel."

"Thanks for that. But I was rude, especially to my mom."

"You settled that, though, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Okay, then. Nothing more to talk about."

She took a deep breath. "I thought we might go for a walk, if that's all right with you."

He nodded. "Sure."

She grabbed her zip-up hoodie and he pulled on his sweatshirt before they stepped outside.         

     



 

Trevor felt the chill in the air, even through his sweatshirt. It made  him think of football. Crave it. He wanted to be in Tampa, with his  team. Much as he'd hated losing to Atlanta, to be shut out of postseason  baseball, he had to switch his mind-set.

Tampa had already played three games without him. He had to get his ass  in gear and his body ready for football. He was already in shape, but  football was a different game.

"You're quiet," Haven said.

"Thinking about football."

Her lips curved. "Already making the switch mentally?"

"Yeah."

"And you're ready to play."

He shifted his focus to her. Her eyes were red rimmed and swollen. Time  to shut off thoughts of himself and his game. "I'm ready to play. How  about you?"

"What about me?"

"How do you feel?"

They'd arrived at a public park just outside campus, so he took her hand  and led her to one of the picnic benches. They sat on top of the bench.

"I feel fine now. I went to the cemetery. I talked to my mom, and I know  this sounds silly, but I also talked to my dad. Everything feels  clearer to me."

"Good."

"I guess I was stuck in the past and I didn't want anything to change. I  didn't want my dad to have died." She looked over at him. "I've been in  denial, refusing to face a life without him."

He swept her hair away from her face. "It's been hard for you."

"Yeah, it has been. And that I can face now. It's been hard. It probably  always will be. I think that's what was so hard about seeing my mom  tonight. She was moving forward, and it appeared to be so easy for her."

"It's not easy for her, Haven. You have to realize that."

"I do now. It was petty and childish of me to say those things to her,  to accuse her of not mourning my father. She loved him. With everything  she had, she loved him every day they were together. She still does."

He nodded and scooted closer to her. "You both did. He was a very lucky man to have both of you."

"He had so many people who loved him. You, all the guys."

"Yeah, we did. It was hard losing the postseason and not getting that  phone call from him telling me everything was going to be okay. I miss  him, too."

"I know you do. He left a legacy, Trevor. People will remember him."

Her voice was stronger now, her eyes clearer.

"Of course we will. I couldn't have survived college without him. He was more like a father to me than my father ever was."

"Thanks for that. It means a lot to me to hear it."

"It's the truth."

"I guess it was just hard for me to let go of his memory."

He tilted her face to his. "You never have to do that. Don't even try. You just have to let go of the pain."

She nodded. "You're right." She leaned her head against his shoulder.  For a while, they just sat there side by side, his arm around her in the  dark. A few students walked by, no doubt heading back and forth to the  nearby library, which was open all night.

God, he sure as hell didn't miss college, at least not the academic part. That had been hell for him. He missed playing, though.

Haven shivered next to him.

"Ready to head back? It's getting cold out here," he said.

"Okay."

He slid off the table, then grasped Haven around the waist, pulling her  into his arms. She nestled against him, then wrapped her arms around him  and laid her head on his chest. She tilted her head back and looked up  at him.

"Thanks for being here with me and for not thinking I'm some giant mess of a crazy, raving bitch."

He laughed. "I don't think that about you."

"Oh, please. Even I think that about me."

"Well, you're wrong." He tipped her chin up with his fingers, then  brushed his lips across hers. "I think you're honest with your  emotions."

"I wasn't. I was running hot and cold, not facing them."

"You're more honest than most women I know, Haven."

"I'm going to try to be more honest in the future. I have to be. Running from how I feel has been tearing me apart."

Now he cupped her face in his hands. "You should never run from how you feel."