‘This,’ she said in a quivering voice, ‘has gone far enough.’
The words may have been weak, but on Edmund they fell like a hammer blow. I was almost disappointed not to see a substantial bump swelling up on his head.
‘W-what?’
‘I said, this has gone far enough.’ She turned back to him, and as she did I could see the moisture on her face glittering in the moonlight. She seemed to have an endless supply of tears tonight. Dear me… This love thing seemed to require an enormous quantity of bodily fluids.
‘Please,’ she continued, ‘do not torture me further by actually asking me. I could not bear it.’
His voice in return was broken. Utterly defeated. ‘You no longer love me then.’
Ella twitched as if she had been hit by a whip. Rushing forward, she grasped the poles of the fence.
‘Of course I love you, Edmund. More than my own life!’
His face came up, displaying a whirling mix of hope and despair.
‘Then you will come with me?’
‘No! I cannot!’
‘But Ella, my love… I… I do not understand. If you love me, if you really, truly love me…?’
Ella leaned her head against the fence. She didn’t seem to have the strength to hold it up anymore. The wind tugged at her hair, pulling a few loose strands through the iron poles and onto Edmund’s side of the fence, as if everything in her was straining to go to him.
How come the weather is so bloody romantic? Why isn’t it raining buckets out here?
‘Edmund… I cannot find the words to answer you. But I do not have to. The poet has already given me my lines, which I tell to you now: Yes, I do love you. Desperately, with all my heart. But I could not love thee, Dear, so much, Loved I not honour more.’[41]
Behind the bushes I cocked my head, trying to find the logic in her last statement. I thought it was pretty darn daft, myself. Somebody had written that down, and been published? I would never fall in love myself, of course, but if I did, I didn’t think honour would enter into the equation in any major way. Honour, respectability - they were mostly nicely sounding terms for means of curtailing a girl’s freedom. Really, I loved my little sister, but sometimes she really could be a silly goose. She should just say yes to the fellow and-
Hey! What are you doing? You’re supposed to not want her to run away with him.
Oh, right. No! I definitely didn’t want that!
‘Don’t you see?’ She reached out to tenderly touch the hair of the broken man kneeling in front of her. ‘I’d rather cherish my love for you as a tender, secret memory, than do what I know to be wrong. Yes, I could go with you now and spend the rest of my days in bliss, but where would be the good in that? Far better that I marry Sir Philip, knowing that I have done right, preserving the honour of my family and of yours, than that I destroy them for earthly happiness. I might spend the rest of my days in misery, but at least I will do so with a clear conscience.’
Um… All right…
I had always suspected that my sister was, on some level, completely off her rocker. It was gratifying to have one’s suspicions confirmed. Besides this purely intellectual gratification, though, I could not receive much satisfaction from the fact.
Though he might in general have a higher opinion of her degree of sanity, in this case Edmund seemed to share my views.
‘I’d prefer the earthly happiness,’ he told her outright.
A weak little smile appeared on her face.
‘That is your warm heart overwhelming your better nature, Edmund, and I love you for it. But please, do not tempt me any further. It pains me to refuse you.’
‘You can still say yes.’
‘No, I cannot. We must not see each other again, Edmund. I will become Sir Philip’s wife… and you…’
She closed her eyes for a moment, and I could see the next words would be the hardest for her.
‘… and you go, find yourself a girl who is not bound. Do not let yourself be dragged into misery. Find love, be happy. Maybe I can continue to live, as long as I know that you are happy.’
‘But I cannot be happy without you, Ella! Not ever!’
‘Do not say such a thing, Edmund! It pains me!’
Then why the heck is she smiling through her tears?
I scratched my head, nonplussed. This love thing was obviously more complicated than I had thought. Oh, I was so glad I didn’t have anything to do with it myself.
‘I will ask you one final time, Ella.’ Slowly, Edmund rose to his feet. Her hand slid into his, and he held it firmly. ‘Will you elope with me?’
She shook her head.
‘No.’
‘You refuse to go against your aunt’s wishes in the matter of Sir Philip?’