“No wonder Emma fell for you so quickly,” she says under her breath, but it makes me crack a much-needed smile.
Only minutes later, the nurse lays Collin on my chest. The feeling of fulfillment washes over me with a rush, immediately calming my nerves. This is my baby boy. God, I wish Emma were here.
“Hey.” I catch the nurse while she is covering us with blankets. “Is there any way for you to check on my wife? They told me she was fine, but I need an update.”
“Sure. Not a problem.” She once again smiles warmly at me. I seriously need to have Jesse make this woman a muffin basket.
“Can you ask them when I’ll be able to see her? Wait, can I take him with me to see her?” I ask, desperate to see her but unwilling to leave him.
“No, he has to stay here, unfortunately. She’ll be able to come down and see him soon enough. Just take lots of pictures of him with your phone in the meantime. She’ll want to see them as soon as she wakes up.” Yep, this woman is totally getting chocolate chip muffins from Jesse.
I lost my phone during the accident, but Sarah quickly pulls out hers and starts snapping pictures.
As if instinctually, Collin’s little head flops to the side. He looks up at me and opens his eyes. It completely steals my breath and sends my emotions spinning.
“Hey, buddy.” I gently kiss him on the head as my eyes begin to water.
I’ve been through a lot in my life, but I am not emotionally equipped for this moment. I wrap my arms tight around him, holding and protecting him as best I can. This is overwhelming, and the very idea that I get to spend a lifetime with this little boy and his mom has me turning my own head to hide the tears.
“Manda didn’t want kids,” I hear Sarah say from the corner.
“What?” I ask, completely dumbfounded.
“The reason she wouldn’t marry you is because she didn’t want kids. She knew you did, and she couldn’t live with the idea of you sacrificing that for her. She was terrified you would eventually resent her for it.”
“No, that’s not true. She and I talked about having kids a million times.”
“No, you talked about it a million times. Manda just never corrected you. She was planning to tell you the night of the accident.” Sarah closes her eyes when the memories become too much.
I lovingly kiss the baby and wait eagerly for her to continue.
“One of the last things I remember from that night is standing with her in the bathroom at Westies. She was panicking that you were going to leave her when she told you.” Sarah chews her bottom lip as the painful memories spread like wildfire through the room.
“Not possible.” I curl him even closer into my chest.
“She was a mess. She loved you so much, but she never wanted to be a mom. She was too scared to tell you but more afraid to lose you.”
“I wouldn’t have left,” I whisper to keep my voice from cracking while looking down at Collin asleep in my arms.
I’m not lying. I wouldn’t have left, but I also wouldn’t give up this moment of holding my child for anything. Despite my earlier fears and reservations, I’ve always wanted kids and a family. It happened sooner than I was prepared for with Emma, but sitting here now, I know I wouldn’t change it for the world. Sarah is the last person I want to have a chat with, but ironically enough, she is also the only person who will ever understand.
“I loved her, and if you had told me this years ago, it would have devastated me. I would have done anything to hold on to Manda. Absolutely anything—except give up this.” I pause to allow my racing mind to catch up. “Manda was water, but Emma—she’s air. I couldn’t have survived without either one of them, but this right here—this is life.”
“This is full circle, Caleb. That night…the wreck—it was only a single moment, but it destroyed us all. Maybe this is where we’re all reborn. We’re all involved in this one miracle tonight. Think about it. Me, you, Brett’s out there with Jesse, Casey has probably already left to be with Eli, Emma’s recovering, and right now, your son is cuddled against Manda’s name over your heart. Maybe this is the reason and culmination of all of the hurt. It all happened just to get here—just to get to him.” Her words sink into my heart, and I can’t say that I disagree with her.
Originally hate, pain, remorse, and grief ruled my life. But now, love, acceptance, and forgiveness have led me to this minute. Somewhere deep inside, for the first time in almost six years, it finally gives Manda’s death a purpose. One that doesn’t fill me with hate or resentment. Instead, it’s filled my arms with a blond-haired and sure-to-be blue-eyed baby.