Stolen Course(73)

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I always come home. It’s not like I’m out trolling the bars.”

“I know you go to Manda’s grave every night. Avoiding me and our life together in the here and now, all while engrossing yourself in the past. I swore I would never have an issue with your past, but up until now, you have never made me feel like the other woman. However, despite all of that, I’m still standing here because I fucking love you, and we have a child, even if you do avoid it at all costs.”

“We don’t have a child yet, so stop acting like it’s toddling around in the den while I ignore it,” he responds so fast it makes my head snap.

“Oh really? We don’t have a child yet?” I stand up from the chair and pull my dress shirt tight against my stomach. “What the hell do you call this then?” I rub my rounding belly. I walk over to my purse, remove this morning’s ultrasound picture, and slap it down on the table. He stares for a minute at the image but doesn’t make a single move to pick it up. “Because I call that your son.”

I can’t take it anymore. I turn and walk away, leaving Caleb and an “It’s a boy!” ultrasound picture alone in the kitchen. Fuck him for ruining this for me.





I CAN hear my pulse in my ears as Emma storms off, leaving me with the weird black-and-white image of our…son? I can’t even begin to contain my rage as I stomp down the hall after her.

“You found out the sex of the baby today without even telling me you had a doctor’s appointment?!” I stop at her—our—bedroom door.

“After the way you acted last time, I didn’t exactly think you would care,” she smarts back while slipping off her shoes and sliding on her favorite flip-flops.

“Wow, okay. So are you just doing this entire pregnancy on your own now?”

“That’s the way if feels.” She turns away from me and takes off her dress shirt before pulling on her favorite T-shirt.

“Well I sure as hell can’t be involved if you don’t tell me what the fuck is going on. I’m not a mind reader.”

She lets out a loud sigh but finally turns to face me. “Look, I’m sorry. They called me this morning saying I needed to come in. My blood work had a few markers for birth defects so—”

“What?” I interrupt as my face goes pale. Things might be rocky with me and Emma right now, but that is my baby she is carrying. I must look pretty worried, because for the first time in weeks, she steps up to hug me.

“No, it’s fine. He’s fine. The ultrasound ruled out any defects. It was just precautionary.”

“Are you sure?” I ask as I release the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

“Yeah, I’m positive. We got the all-clear. He’s perfect.” She holds me tight around the waist. With the relief still sliding through me, I put my arms around her shoulders and pull her flush against my body.

We stand in silence, just enjoying the moment of closeness.

“Why do you go to Manda’s grave?” she asks into my chest, not stepping away but not looking up at me either.

I sigh and try to find the answer. I’m not completely sure why. All I know is that it grounds me.

“I don’t know,” I tell her, and she quickly steps away, wiping under her eyes.

“I know things are shit with us right now, but it still hurts knowing you spend almost every night there.” Damn. I didn’t even realize that she knew where I was, much less that it hurt her. “If I’m being honest, it worries me.” This is by far the most we have spoken since the day at the doctor when I tucked my tail and ran. And the fact that we are talking now is shocking the shit out of me, but Emma continues. “I feel like you are sliding backwards in this relationship. When we first got together, you were so ready to move on and start a new life, but now…I think you are using your past as a way prevent yourself from dealing with us—the present.”

She’s not right, but she definitely isn’t wrong.

“Emma, the past is safe. It already destroyed me once. It can’t hurt me anymore. Unlike you, who has the ability tear me to shreds over and over again. I go numb when I sit at her grave. The feeling I so tried to avoid all those years is the only thing keeping me sane right now.”

“Right,” she whispers, and I know that wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear, but it’s the only explanation I have.

When I first started going there, I told myself that it was nothing unusual. I was just visiting Manda. However, as the days passed and I spent more and more time sitting on the ground blankly staring at her name, it began to shut me down. And God, that was a welcome change from the emotional upheaval I have been in recently.