“I’m sorry,” he said. And damn, he hoped she could see the truth in his face, because the words felt inadequate. Apologies didn’t fix the past. He couldn’t make amends with words.
“I hated you for a while.” She glanced down at her hands clasped tight in her lap. “But it doesn’t feel good to hold a grudge against the man who left to hunt down terrorists. It’s like wishing rainstorms on the people standing on the shores to welcome the refugees.”
“You have every right to hate me for not coming home after they released me from the hospital.”
“True.” She looked up, but didn’t return her gaze to his face. She stared out the sliding doors and into the night. “But I’m starting to realize . . . fear isn’t easy. It’s not something you can set aside at bedtime. I wish I could most nights.”
“I wasn’t afraid,” he said. “I was stupid.”
Now, she turned to face him and raised an eyebrow.
“OK, maybe a bit of both,” he admitted. “To tell you the truth, I’m still scared.”
“Of the dark?” she asked in a tone that called BS to his claim.
“No, honey. I don’t mind the dark.” It was his turn to look away. He hadn’t shared his feelings with anyone in a long time. The military shrink he’d tried to convince that he was fine and ready to serve again—that guy didn’t count.
“I’m afraid I’ll never be of much use to anyone,” he continued. Why hide the truth from her? She deserved to know why he couldn’t stay here staring at the pieces of his previous life. “I feel too damn broken. I thought I knew what my future held. I walked away from this place, from you, determined to make that sacrifice matter. And to suddenly be out of the game? I feel like a fucking failure, Lil. And I don’t think that will change if I stay here.”
He waited for her to envelop him in a hug and shower him with comforting words. And hell, if Lily shoveled on the pity now . . . it sure as shit would erase the last trace of his desire.
“Well, I’m scared of the dark,” she said as if he hadn’t just poured out his heart and soul. “I’m afraid to close my eyes. Even when I’m in the shower, I’m terrified to wash my hair because I’ll have to close my eyes for a split second. And that’s all it takes. He could get into my house and . . . I know he’s out there. It wasn’t a random attack.”
Oh, Lily. His heart broke for her.
“I’m afraid to go out alone. And I’m terrified to stay in by myself,” she said, the words pouring out one after the other, faster and faster. “You want to know how I feel? Paralyzed by fear. And I hate him. Whoever he is, I hate him for doing this to me.”
I’m going to kill him. When I get my hands on the man who did this. . .
She let out a bark of laughter. “Hate and fear. That’s my life. Is it any wonder that I want to add an orgasm to the mix?”
“No, it’s not surprising. But I’m not your guy.”
She shook her head. “There’s never been anyone else. Not for me. And that scares me too.”
Reach for her. Pull her close. Kiss her.
His mind issued the commands in rapid-fire succession. His body responded to those words. And his hands moved. He set the coffee mug on the table and . . .
No, he couldn’t touch her. She was hurting and broken—and so was he.
“Sounds like Ted’s a good guy,” he mumbled as he lowered his hands to his lap.
“He is.”
Shit, those two little words reawakened the monster. Big. With green eyes. Hell, it was the stuff of her nightmares. And his too, when he thought about it long and hard. The idea of Lily with another man would leave him screaming with rage in his sleep. If he ever bothered to close his eyes long enough to dream . . .
“But he failed the ‘keep me safe from the dark’ test when he didn’t think to camp outside in his car,” she added.
“Sometimes all those fancy teaching degrees don’t translate to real-life applications.”
“No.” She cocked her head. “You’re not laughing at me. Or telling me there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“I told you. I believe you.” He reached out his left hand and clasped her right, the one still resting in her lap after holding her dress down to tease him—or just plain drive him crazy. “And, Lil, don’t ever let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn’t fear.”
He gave her hand a squeeze. Then he released her and pushed to his feet. “I’m going back to my post in the car.”