The tears burn like kerosene, but I refuse to close my eyes. What would I miss? Her eyes flickering open for a last glance? Her mouth pulling into that tender just-for-me smile one final time? I won't look away.
"You need to get some rest, darlin'."
Aunt Ruthie's voice sneaks up on me from behind. I drag my eyes from Mama's face, pale against the faded floral pillowcase long enough to glance over my shoulder. Aunt Ruthie leans into the doorjamb, which I think is the only thing holding her up. Fatigue and weariness have made themselves at home in the deeper crevices around her mouth and eyes. Running Glory Bee, the best little restaurant in our small town, Glory Falls, by herself hasn't been easy. She may not be blood, but she is family, and she's been there for Mama and me through all of this.
Mama was the cook of the operation, and Aunt Ruthie, her best friend since third grade, was the business mind. It's so ironic that as far as I can tell, my Korean mother makes the best Southern food this side of the Mississippi. She's known nothing but Georgia though, so her Korean heritage is not so much lost as never found. My grandparents, a Southern Baptist pastor and his wife, adopted her days after she was born. They brought her home from their mission trip, much to their congregation's confusion and then delight. That little, odd-looking girl, so exotic among the farmers and simple, hard-working folks became the sweetheart of Glory Falls Baptist Church. And when Grandpa finally retired, his young assistant pastor was the natural candidate for his replacement and Mama's husband.
A hurt so old it's cracked and fragile, threatening to fall apart if I think on it too long, lies heavy on my heart. Daddy should be here. He should be the one holding Mama's hand and crying and loving her until the end. No telling where he is, but it sure as hell ain't here. He hasn't been for many years.
Son of a bitch.
Mama would tap my wrist for swearing. Aunt Ruthie never really cared about the bad words. Her hand on my shoulder reminds me she wants me to rest, but I'm not sure I can leave Mama's side.
"Go on out to the front porch for a bit, Kai Anne. Grab some air." Aunt Ruthie's Southern drawl is even slower than usual, exhaustion dragging at the words.
"No, I don't want … I can't … "
The words fade like my hope.
"A few minutes won't hurt, honey."
I look up and over my shoulder, snagging her eyes with mine, trying to see if she actually believes it. And if so, how much time do I have left with Mama? A day? Two?
"You really believe that?"
"I'll call you in here if … " Aunt Ruthie's words follow the same trail mine do, and I wonder if her hope is as faint. "I'll call if you need to come."
Mama's still as a tomb. Her dark hair fans out behind her. Her eyes are closed, and it's been days since I've seen them open, but I remember those eyes. They tilt more than mine. They're darker than mine. My skin is a fainter gold. My faith is not as strong. She always said I was the brightest thing in this town, but I am a shadow of her in every way that counts. And when she's gone, what will I be then?
I settle onto the front step with its loose board that Mama never got around to fixing. Daddy promised at least once a week to replace this board that wiggles beneath my bottom as I wait here for the sunrise. I was eight when he left, and always wondered if Mama never fixed that board because she'd be admitting Daddy was never coming home.
Arms around my knees, shivering against the cold, bare feet on the next step down, I wait. I wait for Mama's favorite time of day. Mama loved … Mama loves the sunrise. A new day means new mercies, she'd always say. God's mercies are new every morning. I search the sky now for mercy. For respite. For light. For a stay of the death hovering over our little house tucked down a dirt road. I wait for the sun to stretch up over the horizon, but right now, I only see dawn; that limbo that hangs between night and day. If I can only see the sunrise.
God, give me one more day. One more day of Mama's fresh mercies.
And just as I'm sure the light is coming to brighten the smudgy hue of dawn, the screen door behind me creaks open. Aunt Ruthie is standing there, face lit by the porch light.
"You better come." She thumbs at the tears sliding down her hollowed cheeks. "Come on say good-bye."
This is the break I could never be ready for. Mama breaking free of this world. Free of the pain. This disease has pressed her like a flower between pages. I look back to the sky, but there is still no sun. Still no mercy.
Only dawn.
When I go to Mama, it feels like the room holds its breath, as if it's waiting for something. Everything is so still. I don't know how much of my mama is left in this body, frail and stiff and paralyzed, but whatever part of her remains would hate this. She's fastidious. She'd hate the fact that she cannot control her own drool. That someone else tends to her most intimate needs. When Daddy left, there was a span when Mama was so broken, truly on her own for the first time and unsure if she would manage. For the most part, she recovered. The fiercely independent woman she became would hate all the ways she can no longer take care of herself.
She twists and jerks under the sheets. Even with her eyes closed, a frown puckers her otherwise slackened face. She's not at ease, and yet I see why Aunt Ruthie called me. At any moment, she may be gone. I wonder why she lingers. Mama believes so deeply in the peace beyond this life. As much as I'll miss her, as much as I already feel the black hole spreading over my heart like an ink blot, I want that peace for her. I want her to go.
And then it occurs to me. Maybe I know what Mama's waiting for. I pull back the covers, pressing my fit body to her frail one, laying my warmth against her, and I say the words she used to comfort me countless times. The prayer that many a night she'd say to send me on my way.
"Now I lay me down to sleep." As soon as the words leave my mouth, tears leak down my cheeks. "I pray the Lord my soul to keep."
I lean closer, absorbing as much of her essence as I can before she leaves this world because there will never be another like her. I wrap my arms tight around her tiny, fitful body fighting for peace and whisper in her ear.
"If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."
And like my words turned a key to the door she needed to walk through, her body stills. I swear the room around us sighs. Mama draws one last labored breath and then no more.
Chapter Two - Kai
"You'd be late for your own funeral, Kai."
The words in my head, as clear as if Mama is rushing off the L.A. Metro bus behind me, pounding alongside me on the sidewalk, jar my thoughts. Even as my heart pinches in my chest, my mouth pulls into my mama's smile. The one her little bits of wit and wisdom always squeezed out of me growing up. The ones that still do.
"I know, Mama." I adjust my backpack and quicken my steps. "I'm working on it."
My phone squawks from my pocket. I know it's Santos, my roommate and best friend, texting me. Bugging me. Worried about me, as usual. Not breaking stride, I pull the phone out, and sure enough.
Santos: What the hell? This is not the day to be late. U OK?
With my head lowered, I rapid-fire my thumbs across the keypad and barely miss walking into a tow zone sign. I stand still to finish the message. I don't care if it's Cher waiting at our voice coach's house. Even she's not worth a concussion. And as much as I love Cher, that's saying something.
Me: Up the street and on my way. Missed my bus. Audition was a joke. Can't wait to tell. Who's Grady's mystery guest?
Santos: Hurry your narrow ass up and see for yourself.
I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be less impressed than Santos, which doesn't take much. An unabashed celebrity whore, he even gets the autographs of obscure reality stars. Really? Excuse me for not being impressed that you are just like me, only you get paid to shop, eat, and act the fool on camera. That isn't talent, and I don't need you to sign anything for me. But thanks.
I stomp the last few blocks to Grady's bungalow. Every time my foot slams into the sidewalk, I envision that vile man's face from the audition I just left under it. Any audition that ends with an invitation to suck a man's dick is suspect, wouldn't you say? I'm tired of being propositioned and objectified and pressured to sleep with these predators who assume I'll set up a drive-thru between my legs to get a record deal. I know girls who do that. Some days, I wish I could throw off my principles and take the easy way. On my back and on my knees, but Mama's voice, even six months after she passed, is still strong in my ears. Strongest in my heart.
Grady's bungalow is deceptively simple. I haven't been in L.A. long, but even I know anything in Arcadia costs a pretty penny. At least more pretty pennies than I have to rub together. Grady houses a small studio in the back of the bungalow where he teaches voice and music. He and Santos have been my saving grace in this town. One my longtime friend and lifeline, the other a mentor of sorts who has grown into the closest thing I've felt to family since I moved here from Georgia.