41
Grip
"I don't want so much misery."
– Walking Around, Pablo Neruda
GRIP
The line from Neruda's poem Walking Around is a daily refrain. I wake up with it threading my thoughts like a needle, beaming through my windows with the morning sun. It has been nearly two weeks since Zoe came and went, and the grief is unrelenting, a deluge of despair. It's the rainy season, a monsoon that never lets up. Like drenched clothes, I'm heavy and dripping everywhere I go.
But at least I go.
Not much, not many places, but I've left the house. Bristol can't. She won't, and she won't see anyone. She's turned away Kai, Jimmi, my mother, calls from Charm. No one has gotten through, and everyone's worried about her . . . about us.
And they should be.
I keep telling myself this is to be expected, but it freezes my blood when I look into Bristol's eyes that have always shone with vibrancy and spirit and find them lifeless.
I prop the door to our bedroom open with my back, balancing a tray in my hands. I can't remember the last time I saw Bristol eat. Knowing she loves this lemon coconut French toast from a place up the street, I grabbed an order of it, hoping I can tempt her to at least try. I set the tray down on the bench at the foot of our bed and settle beside her with my back against the headboard. I placed the huge bouquet of flowers Mrs. O'Malley sent beside the bed, but even that hasn't coaxed a response from her.
We didn't tell many people what we were dealing with during Bristol's pregnancy, but we released a statement later. The pregnancy was common knowledge. We walked red carpets together, were photographed out walking, living. People assumed everything was normal, which at the time, was simpler for us. Now nothing is simple, and awkward questions about how we're doing with our newborn will only make recovering harder. So, everyone knows what happened, but no one can really know what we're going through.
I bend to the pillow where her head rests and push the tumble of hair back from her face, surprised to find her eyes wide open and tearless, staring vacantly as she lies on her side.
"Hey babe." I touch her chin, waiting for her eyes to meet mine. "I brought you some breakfast."
She shakes her head, her eyes drifting away from my face again.
"Not hungry." She rolls over, giving me her back and huddling under the comforter.
"You should eat."
"Said I'm not hungry." She pulls the pillow over her head. "Could you close the blinds on your way out?"
I stuff my frustration and general rage at the world down another inch. I'm afraid of what else is down there, buried beneath the thin flooring of my civility. It feels like some wild animal will leap out roaring and clawing and baring its teeth when I least expect it. There's a pack of feral beasts caged in my belly, in my chest, and I'm not sure how much longer they'll stay stuffed away before they come out raging.
"I'm not closing the blinds, Bris. Some sun would do you good. It's spring."
Her head makes a slow rotation until she's looking at me over her shoulder.
"It's spring?" Her eyes spark with the first emotion I've seen since the hospital. "Well whoop dee fucking doo, Grip. Now all's right with the world because it's spring. Who do I look like? Fucking Mary Poppins?"
I wanted emotions, yeah, but not the bitchy ones.
"Okay, Bris," I say as patiently as I can. "I'm hurting too, but-"
"Are you?" The naked misery in her eyes breaks my heart in places I assumed were already broken. "Yet you somehow manage to go for long walks and zip to grab breakfast and eat food? And tolerate light?"
"I won't let this happen, Bristol," I say. "You know I won't. It's been ten days and-"
"Oh, I'm sorry." She snaps to a sitting position, the T-shirt she slept in bunching up with the covers, her hair tangled and matted and disorderly. "Has it been ten days already? Am I late? Was I supposed to be all better by now?"
"I get it. The only thing that drags me out of bed every morning is you." I lean over to cup her cheek. "I love you too much to let this go on. Ten days is no time in the grand scheme of things, but you can't not eat."
I lean closer, catching a whiff of my T-shirt she's wearing, which could probably launder itself by now.
"Damn, babe." I screw my nose up, hoping she'll allow me to tease her some. "You can't not bathe for ten days either."
Her lips don't twitch. Her eyes don't glimmer with humor or interest or life. She just stares at me unblinkingly.
"I can't do this, Grip," she whispers, her anger fading as quickly as it came. She presses her cheek deeper into my palm. "You keep thinking I can do this, that I'm stronger than I am, but . . ."
She shakes her head, helplessness loosening a tear from her lashes and spilling it over her cheek.
"I'm not strong enough either, baby." I dip to press my forehead to hers. "Not by myself, but remember what I promised you?"
"What?" she asks.
She doesn't remember? I console myself with the reminder that she was exhausted and on drugs before her C-section, but my heart still winces that she doesn't remember what I promised.
"I said-"
"That you would love me for the rest of your life," she whispers, eyes closed. "And that you believed we could survive anything together."
There's my girl. Hope flares in this dark room that is our life right now. It's the smallest thing, her remembering those moments, our hardest, but it's the only thing I have.
"Yeah, that's it. The only way we get through this is together." This one thing encourages me to broach a topic I know we need to address. "I, uh . . . was talking to Dr. Wagner."
Her eyes narrow.
"I just had the checkup and was okay," she says, slowing her words as if she needs to process them. "I'm not due back until my six-week appointment."
"I know." I nod my agreement. "But I called her office and we talked-"
"About me?" Her words come fast and outraged. "Without me?"
"Bris, just listen." I sigh, dreading this. "She thinks you should reconsider the prescription she suggested."
"For the milk?"
Dr. Wagner mentioned a prescription that would expedite the milk drying up, but Bristol refused. I wish she would take it. Nature is cruel, preparing Bristol's body to nurse and nurture even though her arms are empty. It's a constant reminder of what we've lost burgeoning in her body.
"No, not those." I clear my throat unnecessarily. "The, um . . . the antidepressant."
"I don't want that." Bristol tosses the comforter back, throwing her legs over the side with more energy than I've seen. It's a shame the only thing that seems to enliven her is anger. "It hasn't even been two weeks."
"True, but not only do you have the . . . grief," I say, the word getting snagged in my throat. "But all the hormonal changes that come with having a baby, too. When Dr. Wagner heard you weren't eating and were sleeping all day-"
"And she ‘heard' this during your secret conversation about me behind my back, right?" Bristol stands and faces me, arms folded under her breasts.
"I'm not going to watch you get worse. Don't ask me not to help, Bris."
"You can't fix this. Pills won't fix this."
"Neither will not eating or lying in bed all day with the curtains closed." My voice comes out sharper than I intended, but those are the words I meant to say, ones I'm not taking back. I notice for the first time that she's wearing my Dave Chappelle T-shirt, HABITUAL LINE STEPPER. I can't help but think about that night, years ago, when she wore it while we ate on the roof, before we made love. My eyes wander over the long legs and tangled hair. Even grimy, bitchy, depressed, and despondent, she's the only woman I want.
"Is that why you want to fix me, Grip?" she asks, scorn curling her lip as she watches me watch her. "You wanna fuck? Is that what this is about? Popping some pills in me so I'll be in the mood to suck your dick again?"
"Dammit, Bris!" The words combust in my mouth, and I roll off the bed to face her, a king-size sea of rumpled, unwashed sheets separating us, a chasm of shared pain somehow keeping us apart. "How could you . . . why would you say that to me? You know it's not true. Are you trying to push me away?"
"If that's what it takes for you to stop poking and prodding and trying to medicate me out of this, then yeah, I'll push you away."
She drops her head forward, the mass of dark waves obscuring her face and rioting past slumped shoulders.
"You can't fix this," she moans, twisting her head from side to side and cradling her waist with folded arms. "None of that will bring her back. You can't bring her back."