I finish the rest of the dinner trying to engage in the conversation, but knowing that I'm often forcing the smile on my face. Allison and Miriam do their best to raise my spirits, and I try to act excited about classes starting on Monday, but my mind, and my heart, aren't quite in it.
After I pay the bill, Allison and Miriam volunteer to walk me back to my room, but I demur, feeling like a walk by myself before bed. After I hug them goodbye, I stroll along the edge of campus, watching all the action unfold as everyone enjoys the last weekend free of homework.
It's not long before I realize my feet are leading me past the crew house. Just a quick look, I tell myself. I begin to walk more slowly as I see it up the street. The lights are on inside the house, and I can see some people hanging out on the front porch. The late summer night has just darkened, and I stand under a street light peering up at the house. I can see several of the crew guys up there, and a petite blonde leaning on the railing with her back toward me.
The front door swings open and I press my lips together as I see Nate walk out with two bottles of beer in his hand. He's so close…just across the street and up the hill, and yet I can't be with him, this person with whom I've shared such intimate moments.
My heart stops as he smiles at the blonde. It can't be…he can't have moved on already. But there he is, offering her one of the beers, and sitting down next to her on the railing and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. A chill comes over me despite the warm air. I really am a fool.
I jump as a bottle crashes on a campus path just behind me. I glance up to see the denizens of the porch also looking at the source of the sound, and freeze for a moment as Nate stares right at me. Fuck.
I turn around, cursing myself for walking this way. I walk quickly down the street, turning right onto a path to take me into campus.
“Brynn?” I hear him call out behind me, and the sound of footsteps coming down the steps. I pick up my pace, hoping to lose him in the darkness. I can't let our first meeting after breaking up be him finding me spying on his house.
“Brynn!” I hear a woman's voice yell behind me, and almost trip over my own feet in surprise. “Brynn!” she calls again, and I turn around.
“Eileen,” I say in surprise as she emerges out of the darkness, slightly out of breath. “Was…was that you up there? With Nate?” She nods, a wide smile covering her face. My eyes dart over his shoulder as I see Nate stop by the entrance to the path.
“I'm down here visiting him for the weekend,” she says happily.
“Oh, oh,” I murmur, covering my face in embarrassment. “I'm sorry I ran…I thought…I mean, from the back, I thought you and he were…”
“Oh!” she exclaims. “Well, I suppose I'm flattered…I mean, I do put my time in at the gym.” She steps forward and takes my hands. “I'm so glad to see you Brynn. If you hadn't gotten involved, I wouldn't be here with Nate today.” I try to blink back tears, but they roll down my cheeks anyway. “I'm so sorry for everything you've been through—Nate told me—”
“Mom?” Nate says, stepping forward. “Mind if I talk to Brynn alone for a minute?”
“Of course!” she calls over her shoulder, then turns to me. “It's so nice to hear him call me 'Mom,'“ she says, then leans forward and whispers in my ear, “Don't give up hope.” I blink at her in surprise as she pulls away and walks back toward Nate. They share a smile and a few murmured words before she continues back toward the crew house and Nate approaches me.
“Hi,” he murmurs as he walks up to me.
“Hello,” I reply, a bit more stiffly.
“I found her number where you left it,” he explains. “We met several times while I was still up in Maryland, but it hardly seemed like enough time, so she drove me back down here and is staying for a few days.” He takes a deep breath. “When you told me you loved me—”
I raise my hand to stop him. “You don't have to explain. You told me from the beginning that you didn't do relationships…that you didn't lead girls on. So I should have known. I shouldn't have expected—”
“Brynn, please. Just give me two minutes, OK?”
I nod, shifting from foot to foot as I wish I could just run away, all the way back to my room and pull the covers over my head. Anything so that I don't have to hear all the reasons why he doesn't love me.
“When you told me you loved me,” he resumes, “I felt empty.” Tears spring to my eyes—oof, that was worse than I thought. “No, not like that!” he says, seeing my reaction. “I mean, I felt…inadequate. Like I had nothing inside me to give back to you. Here you were, so strong, and smart, and intelligent, and I felt like such a failure.” I'm shocked to hear his voice break. He clears his throat before he continues. “I had failed you. I felt… I mean, everything my dad had ever told me was a lie!” he exclaims, his voice rising. “In that moment, I don't think I knew if I was capable of love. What my father had shown me for years wasn't love, I don't think, it was control. I felt so undeserving to be loved by you, and for me to even tell you that I loved you, it wouldn't mean anything, because it would be from someone who was empty.”