“What? Nate, I—” I feel like he just punched me in the gut. How did this all go so wrong?
“I thought maybe you were different than all the other girls I've fucked, but you're not, OK? From now on, let's just smile at each other politely from across the room at family events, like normal stepsiblings do.”
“No, no! We are different, we are.”
“You're just attached because I was your first. Don't worry about it, you'll get over it soon. You were nothing special to me, Brynn,” he says and walks through the garage's side door. I stand in shock as I watch the garage door slide open and his Wrangler come speeding out. I watch him head down the driveway, then disappear around the corner.
I hear the front door open behind me, and Eileen approach me. “I'm so sorry, Brynn, this is all my fault.”
“No, it's not,” I reply, biting my lip to keep from sobbing.
She puts her arm around me. “He's just angry. He'll come to his senses.”
“No, he's just as stubborn as I am. It's really over.” I collapse against her, burying my head on her shoulder as I begin to cry.
“First love always hits the hardest,” she murmurs as she rubs my arm. “Come on—your parents won't be back for a while. I'll make you some tea.”
After Eileen leaves and I've hidden away in my room, I can't help but marvel at her kindness. It's been a long time since my own mother has taken care of me and comforted me the way she did, even though the afternoon might have gone even worse for her than it did for me. She told me that she's learned not to get her hopes up for a reunion over the years, though it does still hurt.
I keep picturing the anger on Nate's face as he ended our romantic relationship. I could tell he really meant the things he was saying. My body aches at the thought that I won't get to touch him again, and feel him against me. Already I feel like it's been ages since I've seen him.
I hear my mom and Pierce come home in the late afternoon, and I glance at my locked door. I don't want to see them now, or anytime soon, for that matter. I think of how Nate begins to resemble his father when he gets angry, but his mother in his kindness. Even though she was only in his life until he was eight or nine, she must have had some influence on him in those early years, in addition to whatever good traits she passed down to him genetically. I suppose I wanted to tip the scales in her direction, to make sure that Nate keeps listening to the side of himself that his mother has passed on to him. But clearly, I don't have the power to make such a thing happen.
Mistake. He referred to what happened between us as a mistake. My body curls around myself as though I've just been punched in the gut. I can feel the pain reverberating in my bones. I thought maybe you were different than all the other girls I've fucked, but you're not. You're nothing special to me, Brynn. His words keep echoing around in my head, and I can't make them go away. I don't know if I've ever felt so completely hollow before.
Eventually, I fall asleep, my body finally giving in to the exhaustion I feel. When I wake up, it's almost ten at night. My mom didn't even try to wake me for dinner, I realize. I feel a surge of anger against her. Mothers are supposed to protect their children, but of course she's taking Pierce's side. She thinks he's some kind of savior, rescuing her and her abandoned daughter from some lonely life. I want to scream. I want her to be stronger, to be there for me like I've been there for her countless times. But I know my anger is useless; I've long ago realized that I can't change her, can't expect her to be any different from the way that she is.
My stomach grumbles, reminding me that I've skipped a meal or two today. I don't even feel like eating, but I know that I'll never be able to get to sleep again tonight without a little something in my stomach. I sigh and get out of bed and head over to my bureau, pulling a sweatshirt on over my t-shirt. I cautiously open my door and listen. I think I can just hear the sounds of the TV from my mom and Pierce's room. Should be safe, then. I tiptoe down the hallway, pausing at the open door to Nate's dark room. Still out, I guess. Probably drinking somewhere.
How long can this situation last? I wonder as I walk quietly down the stairs. I feel like we're all tightly-wound strings, and one of us is bound to break sometime. I know I for one can't keep creeping around the house like this, avoiding everyone.
In the kitchen, I fix myself a grilled cheese sandwich, feeling the need for some comfort food. I'm just turning off the stove top when I hear the door to Pierce's study open. I hurry to grab the spatula and slide the sandwich onto my plate before he comes in, but I'm too late.
“Brynn,” he says from the doorway. “We missed you at dinner.”