It's strange, guilt inducing, when I know he's bleeding rivers inside. He's just too proud to show it. However weak he is about calling her out, he keeps a shield around his own agony. The only times I've ever seen him cry are at funerals.
“Dad, you haven't done anything wrong here. It's all her baggage, and she has way too much of it. I'm surprised you want to keep fighting it...isn't the writing on the wall?” I'm too gentle.
Another lump forms in my throat. I can't bring myself to take him by the shoulders, shake him, tell him to divorce this fucking woman.
It's his decision to make. But it's also dishonest for me to want her gone when I have a very handsome, painfully emotional conflict of interest.
Chris keeps running through my mind now, even when I shouldn't be focused on anything except dad's screwed up relationship with his mom.
“I can't give up yet,” he says coldly. “The only thing worse than a middle aged executive whose name gets dragged through the mud every time the airline cuts costs is a middle aged executive with mud on his face and two divorces behind him.”
“I just want you to be happy,” I say softly, and I really mean it. “I'm serious. You've done so much for me, and I'll never forget it. Not as long as I live.”
Dad gives me a big smile and wraps his arms around me. “You're so sweet, Cordelia. Thanks for being my rock, like always.”
I slowly let go, feeling him pull away. He looks past me, staring down the hall.
“Well, I guess I'd better go see if she's going to keep me locked out tonight. Or she would, if I hadn't had the locks removed on our bedroom door while she was in rehab.” He shrugs. “They said it'd be a long road to getting all the junk out of her system. Please don't be too hard on her, honey, whatever nonsense she says. She's not in her right mind. She can't tell right from wrong, fantasy from what's real. It's my job to help her out.”
My fists tense at my sides, so hard my hands start to shake. He doesn't even look back as he walks away, and I let out a heavy sigh, offering him one more burst of encouragement.
“Whatever makes you happy, dad.”
Happy. There's that word again.
It's like a bullet to the heart. My happiness will never be compatible with his – not when he finds out about Chris and I. And he's going to, sooner or later. I'm going to slip up and spill it, or Chris' SEAL courage will get the best of him, and he'll march right up and tell our parents himself.
I'm not ready for that. I'm not sure if I'll ever be.
Fuck. What does that mean?
It's like I've just stepped out of a time machine. Marnie insisted on costumes and formal wear for the mid-summer party, and the entire house looks so elegant. Bows and bells are all over the place, orange-white stripes and red-white-and-blue, the wholesome décor of a simpler time.
The staff helped me set things up only hours ago, and the guests are already filing in. Dad's going to be away over the weekend at his conference, just as planned. I struggle not to step on my long, flowing blue dress that reaches to the floor.#p#分页标题#e#
I'm anxious to see what Chris looks like. He's supposed to wear something military, and I'm sure he'll be dashing. Of course, the finery and pretend manners won't last once the dancing starts and the liquor flows. I expect it'll be about thirty minutes before people start to lose the costumes and disappear across the property, filling every little nook and cranny with their own private fucking.
It's my last year of college. I'm almost ready to move on from this wild, free spirited stuff, but going out with a bang a couple more times won't hurt, right?
There's a loud chime as I'm taking the stairs gingerly, one at a time, careful not to trip on my skirt and break my neck. I get to the door ahead of any staff.
When Marnie shows up with her tangerine man, she throws her arms around me, wearing something that looks it belongs in a lounge from the roaring twenties.
“Delia, darling!” she says in her best aristocratic accent, pecking me on each cheek. “Where's that handsome soldier boy of yours?”
The warm smile I greet her with vanishes. She's still eyeing my sexy, badass stepbrother a little too close for my liking, and tempting me to pull the big secret out of the closet too.
She knows we're doing more than just having drinks and taking walks as siblings. I force my sweetest smile, greet the gorilla next to her, and then lean in.
“He'll be by a little later, Delia. Why don't you go mingle with everybody else and get your man a drink for a change?”
“Fine, we'll do it your way.” She rolls her eyes, walking past me without so much a second glance.
I'm about to head after her, hoping I can change the subject and smooth things over, when somebody grabs me by the shoulder.