I check the stairs again, check to make sure we're really and truly alone. I know Cliff knows this story, but Solène … she doesn't need to hear it.
“We stayed together until I was twenty-one,” I say, my eyes glazing over as I remember the ring Gill gave me, tucked it right in my hand while we were taking a walk. He didn't even say anything, just looked at me with that love in his eyes and … I was his. Of course it was a yes. It was always going to be a yes. “But then one day … one day he just left.” I fight back the pain, kick at it and shove it until it falls away and leaves the emptiness. I don't like that either, but it seems to fade more quickly, so I'll take it. “He left a letter telling me how much he loved me, but how we wouldn't work. Said he was going and that he wouldn't be back, that he'd asked Cliff not to give me his number or his address, that maybe one day we could talk but it wouldn't be anytime soon.”
I feel my jaw clench, that old anger rising up to bite me in the ass.
I want to stand up right now and throw my wineglass at the wall, scream and shout and curse his name like I did that day. But I don't. I won't allow myself to get that caught up in a memory.
“I … had something to tell him, but … when I tried to contact him …”
My stomach twists when I think about how I begged and pleaded Cliff, how I browbeat him into giving me Gill's temporary address at that hotel, how I went there, how Gill refused to answer the door. I knew he was in there though, so I rented the room next door and went onto the balcony. That's when I saw him, sitting in one of the chairs outside, staring into the night sky with tears on either side of his face. I knew then that he wasn't going to talk to me, that no matter what I said, it wouldn't change things. “I got Cliff to tell me where he was anyway, went and banged on the door to his hotel room.” I sigh at the sad, miserable person I was then. I feel for her even now, but I promised myself that I will never, ever let myself become her again. “He didn't answer, even though he was inside.”
“The thing you went to tell him about …” Aveline begins and I nod. She's perceptive enough, smart enough, that I don't even have to say anything aloud.
“The day I found that letter, the day he left, I spent the morning walking around the city with some girlfriends of mine, shopping for the future we'd never have. I remember feeling so much love for him that I thought my heart would burst from my chest.” My fingers tighten around the stem of the wineglass. “That letter was the last thing I ever expected to find, and it nearly killed me.” I swirl my wine around and take another drink. “My love for Gill very nearly killed me.”
Before Aveline can respond, there's a knock at the front door and she gets up to answer it, sliding off the chains and flicking the deadbolt before Gill steps inside. When he looks over at me, blue eyes sparking, I feel a little thrill of fear inside my chest and can only wonder how much of my story he managed to overhear.
“Ooh!” Solène exclaims as I turn the page in the magazine and her fingers trail across the sea of colorful dresses. “Je les aime tous.” I love them all.
I shake my head.
“Nope,” I say, leaning my head against hers. “You know the rule. You have to pick one.” I sit up and laugh as she pouts her lips and shakes her dark curls out. We're almost a full week into this mess, but at least we've got the basics back—underwear, pajamas, toothbrushes, a curling iron for Solène. I can't believe she's nine and already curling her hair, but I roll with it. I suppose I really don't have any room to talk. I snuck red lipstick to school when I was her age and got in trouble from the teacher. My mom, though, she didn't mind. No, I don't think she wanted her nine year old wearing grenadine red lip color, but she smiled softly and showed me how to put it on properly, and then she explained that I was still a kid and that I should enjoy being one while I could.
I miss her so bad it hurts and find my fingers unconsciously drawn to the diamond pendant hanging around my neck.
“This one. Don't you think it would bring out my eyes?” Solène blinks her long dark lashes at me, showing off those pretty cornflower blue eyes of hers. “Papa, don't you think I'd look pretty in this?” She lifts up the magazine and shows it to Cliff. He immediately takes his eyes off the TV and gives Solène his full attention, reaching out to grab the magazine between his fingers.
“Oh, that one is beautiful,” he tells her, examining the page with true interest. “The skirt's a little short though.”
“Papa!” Solène whines, laying her head back against the couch. I take that moment to glance surreptitiously towards the formal dining room where Gill sits, watching us. Our eyes meet, but he doesn't look away, challenging me with that sharp gaze of his. For the past week, he's been avoiding me, and when I track him down to ask questions, he gives me vagaries that make my teeth hurt. I'd think something was wrong if I wasn't so sure that he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. How much of that conversation between Aveline and me did he hear? I feel like it must've been more than just a word or two.